Minx

- Thank you, Pulitzer Committee,

for this joyous honor.

My good friend, Gloria Steinem, once asked me,

"Joyce, did you know that the magazine

"you created in your childhood bedroom

would change the world forever?"

No. No, I never dared imagine--

Show me your tits!

Show me your tits!

Come on, baby!

Shake them cans, baby.

Yeah.

Hi.

I'd love to discuss your use of catcalling

to communicate with women on the street.

I'm sure that this was acceptable

when you were coming up in the construction industry,

but times have changed.

So if you want to meet me,

you can introduce yourself with a handshake and a name.

I'm Mike.

And I'm Joyce.

Cool, Joyce.

So you gonna sit on my face or what?

All right.

- Welcome to the Southern California

Magazine Pitch Festival, where we connect

the magazine creators of tomorrow

with the publishers of today.

This year's publishers are a fine--

Do you mind?

- Oh, I--I'm sorry. They got some policy

about smoking cigars inside,

like it's a fucking hospital or some shit.

- Line up for whichever publishers float your boat.

Dazzle 'em with your three-minute presentation,

Hey, is that, uh--

first pitch fest?

- Yeah. Yeah, so I'm just

trying to listen to her.

I wouldn't get your hopes up.

- Excuse me? - Ah, it's just

that everybody and their mama's trying

to sell a magazine nowadays.

For every, you know, "Cat Fancy"

that finds its perfect niche audience,

there's about a thousand "Cat-Tastics"

that are gonna crash and burn, so.

- Thanks for the recap on the booming magazine industry.

I'm not "Cat-Tastic" or any other imitator.

I have been working on my idea for years.

- You say for years? - Yeah.

- Good. Do me a favor.

Come pitch it to me.

- You're a publisher? - I am.

I'll see you in there. Good luck.

- "Giant Juggs." "Milky Moms."

Ew. - Now go forth and conquer!

"Math is Hard.

When Back to School Makes You Feel Like a Fool."

"From Date to Mate: You Too Can Snag a Spouse."

"The Grapefruit Diet: Find Your Thin Within."

What do these articles have in common?

- They're cute and fun. - With pictures of pretty gals.

- The kind of stuff my old lady reads in the tub.

- What they have in common is they're the exact opposite

of the stories I'm gonna have in my magazine.

This country treats women like second-class citizens.

We're overlooked, underpaid, and overwhelmed.

We deserve a magazine that inspires us--

that shows us how to fight.

Gentlemen, this is your chance

to be on the right side of history.

"The Matriarchy Awakens."

Why is she so angry?

- Uh, I believe I covered that in my presenta--

Hey, "Cat-Tastic."

You need a hand? - No, I'm fine.

Suit yourself.

Hey, you forgot to find me today.

How'd it go?

- My pitch needs a smidge of work.

- Yeah, I overheard you at "Conde Nasty."

Hey, if it were me, I'd stop bragging

about how different I was from the most successful

women's magazines in, oh, I don't know, forever.

I would say that I was just like 'em, you know,

but--but with a twist.

- Yeah, well, maybe that'd work on you,

but I'm looking for a different kind of publisher.

- Oh, yeah? And what kind is that?

The kind that doesn't

fetishize lactating mothers.

Some mouth on you.

You know, for your information, I got 4 million

in circulation, I got 12 titles on the rack--

- Yeah, a dozen pornography titles.

- What, you think that's easy to do?

- Breasts, more breasts. Oh, look--bigger breasts.

If you have to do porn, at least be original.

- Mm. - Photograph naked old people.

Or, I don't know, make a magazine full of nude men.

You know what, maybe you could be the first centerfold.

See how you like being objectified for once.

You dropped something.

- I'm sorry, love, it slipped my mind.

- My parents already think you hate them.

- I don't hate your parents, Glenn.

Hate that they voted for Nixon, but--

- You know how my mom gets hung up on this holiday party.

- Well, that's what happens to smart women who don't work.

Still have these big brains,

so they use them on things that don't matter.

See, now that's a story idea.

- Right. Of course it is.

- What does that mean? - Your magazine, Joyce.

There are three people in this relationship,

and not in a fun way.

- Look, I know I've been preoccupied lately.

- Lately? You've been completely obsessed

the entire time we've been dating.

- Well, then so why does it suddenly matter?

- I guess I just thought it would be out

of your system by now.

Out of my system?

You've just been waiting for me to--

what, give up?

Joyce.

I love you.

The magazine's not working out,

and I don't get why you're still going.

- No, of course you don't get it,

because you rose through the ranks

of a national magazine writing

about houndstooth blazers and skinny lapels.

- Okay. - But my stories are political.

No one wants to touch 'em, so I have to do it myself.

- No, you don't. Just put all of that energy

into something else.

We could have a great life together.

Are you asking me to choose?

- Well, it's not much of a choice, is it?

No, it's not.

Hello?

- Yes, I did have a good Valentine's Day.

- We actually have a Valentine's Day special.

30% off if you order today.

That's right, just $9 a year.

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, that's the sweet spot right there.

You know, you should do this for your boyfriend,

get him good and hot.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Yes, ma'am, you can cancel at any time.

- You'll get the first issue next week.

Hope your daughter likes it.

If she's as political as you say, I'd recommend

getting a "Newsweek" subscription instead.

There's a revolution coming, and we're still publishing

puff pieces about David Cassidy.

Hey ya, honey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I came to kidnap you.

Nah, you put where you work in your magazine, dummy.

- You read my magazine? - I did.

What, you think I'm illiterate or something?

- Well-- - Look, it's not Proust.

It's pronounced "Proost."

Do people enjoy your company?

- Not really. Look, you've got to go, okay?

My co-workers are G-rated.

They wear sweater sets and pearls.

- Oh, come on, those sweater girls are all

freaks on the inside, you can trust me on that.

Hey, come to Mort's, 1:00.

Let's talk business, okay?

- You think I'm just gonna show up

for some mystery meeting in a diner,

like I have nothing better to--

So, we're up in Lake Havasu,

and we're shooting these two chicks

for the cover of "Asian Asses,"

and I got this really sexy kind of Vietnam rice paddy angle

and my makeup boy, Richie, knocks the bag of film

right into the water.

- Mm. - So we got to shut down

as he goes into town,

and the chicks start bitching, you know?

- They do that. - "Doug, how long

is this gonna take? It's so cold out here."

So guess what I did.

- Re-evaluated your entire existence?

I gave them the only thing

that I had to read in my car,

which was your magazine.

- Your centerfolds read "The Matriarchy Awakens"?

Also not illiterate.

Did they like it?

Not that it matters. I'm just curious if they--