Chalet Girl

- Whoa. - What a wild kickflip wallplant!

It takes me back to my boarding days.

Funny. Cos I feel like the only boarding you did

was with Charlie and Henry and the horrid biscuit game.

Oh, OK, yeah, fair point.

The competition has been amazing. The girls have been great.

But the one everyone is talking about, Kim Matthews, is still missing.

We've actually got some footage of her as an early skateboarding prodigy.

Kim started competing when she was seven.

She won the National Mixed Under-16s

when she was just 11 years old.

I mean, attractive girl even then.

- Really? Because I said 11. - Yeah, objectively.

Two years ago, aged 17,

she won the London Trials.

Mum and Dad supported her

with parental pride

and simplistic homemade signs.

Then nothing. We haven't seen her since.

There was an accident, Rick.

The car crash, when she lost her mum.

We're thinking of you, Kim. Wherever you are,

whatever you're doing, we hope you're riding high and living the dream.

And todayk special: two for one on onion rings.

Onion rings, two for one.

Please don't push.

- (Dad) I thought it was junk mail. - (Kim) Big red letters.

"Notjunk mail." It says "Urgent Demand" on it.

- They always say that. it's hardly... - it's nearly a grand.

Dad, you can'tjust ignore it.

But, hey, we're big hitters, right? We'll just sell the Bentley.

Oh, no, someone's stolen the Bentley. Plan B?

They're bluffing. I'll think of something.

How are you getting on?

No. Nothing yet.

- I'll talk to Les. Sort something out. - What would I do without you?

Fester.

Hmm!

My rota is... full.

Maybe if you're extra nice to me? Hmm?

Oh, Les, don't be a cock all your life.

That's your extra nice?

How did my summerjob become the rest-of-my life job?

A friend of my cousin's just got into this well-good scam.

Catering agencies. Serving champagne and tiny food to toffs. £12.50 an hour.

Hmm. Toffs and champagne or Les and... Urgh.

I can get the number if you want. You gotta be posh, though.

Posh? Trace, I can do posh.

- Hi, I'm Arabella. - I'm Henrietta.

- Isabella. - Petronella.

Kim.

White wine? Yes.

Red wine?

Yes.

Dessert wine?

No.

I ls it true what they say about posh girls?

I ls it true what they say about posh girls?

shit.

You're a lovely girl, but I'm just not sure.

Let me try. You're just not sure

I'm the right kind of girl for your clients.

It's hard to say why exactly,

but it's probably to do with the fact that I'm not called Arabella

or Isabella or anything-bella.

I don't have hundred-quid highlights, perfect nails

or, I'm just guessing here, expensively trimmed pubes.

So even though I'm the only person

with actual experience of actual work in the actual real world,

and you know I'd try really, really hard,

I'm just not the right kind of girl.

- Is that about the size of it? - About there, yes.

This is Bella.

She did what?

Oh, for God's sake, the silly cow.

Yes, it's the day after tomorrow. Everyone's booked out.

Wait there,

er,... Kim.

- (Dad) It sounds great. - I said no.

- What was the job? - Cooking and cleaning.

Same as I do at work. Same as I do here.

- Was the pay rubbish? - No, it's better. Double, plus tips.

But... But still...

But still what?

It's in a ski chalet. In Austria.

For four months.

- Right. Well, I'm sure I could... - You couldn't.

I'd come home and find a skeleton on the couch holding the remote.

That's a bit harsh.

- Totally the right decision. - You think so?

Yeah. What's a luxury chalet with hot, rich clients in a beautiful ski resort

got on this place? it's a no-brainer.

- Oi, I found this toenail in my... - Don't even try.

See? Would you get that kind of quality entertainment in Austria?

I don't think so.

Hi, it's Kim Matthews from yesterday. I was wondering if you're still...

Still desperately seeking a chalet girl? Yes, I am.

- You are? - Could you do it?

You have to be there tomorrow. It's ten hours on the overnight train.

Right. I'm making freezer food to last until April.

You know how the microwave works?

It's a magnetron that converts electricity...

- (Kim) No, no, no. Like on, off? - (Dad) Yeah, yeah.

What am I doing? I'm packing you off to some mountainous wasteland,

while I'm stuck here looking for a job.

it'll happen, as long as you keep trying.

- (Dad) But you're only 19. - (Kim) Exactly! I'm 19.

Lt% Austria. Hardly a wasteland.

Austria. Famous for "The Sound of Music", breaded food

and the invention of psychoanalysis. You join the dots.

You Te such a freak. No wonder nobody will hire you.

- And you won't forget to have a bath? - (Dad) Every month.

I give up.

And what exactly am I supposed to do with this?

- What is it? - You can't live on beans on toast.

We won two world wars and one World Cup on beans on toast,

so don't knock 'em.

I've set it up online, so you'll get a delivery every week.

Lexi, this is my health-freak dad, Bill. Bill, this is Lexi.

I'm trusting you to keep him alive till I get back, OK?

- (car horn beeps) - Shit.

My pay goes into the mortgage account.

I'll send any tips back. Any envelopes...

Big red letters. I know. Now hurry up, you'll miss your train.

- Maybe this isn't a great idea. - Go, now.

- I love you, Kimberley. -I love you, William.

Bye, Dad.

- See you later. Auf Wiedersehen. - (door shuts)

Oh, my God, I'm never doing that again! I can't remember the whole night.

Honestly.

Oh, my God, did you see that guy staring at my tits the whole night?

It was so awkward.

He was such a perv. And he had a hairy chest and everything. Can you imagine?

Yeah.

Can I call you back, babes?

- Seriously? - Yep.

OK, let's go. Put your bags in the back and get in.

Shit.

Oh, my God, they're huge.

Yeah, they're mountains. Huge is part of the concept.

You don't even ski, do you? What are you doing here?

- it's a job. I need to earn money. - Earn? What, as in, like, "save"?

- Oh. - Thought I recognised that arse.

- Alright, ugly. You coming out? - Yeah. Just dumping the new girl off.

- The new girl! Let me see. - Kim, Jules. Jules, Kim.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'll see you later, babes. - See you later, babes.

it's a bit poky, isn't it?

So is this guy head of some evil criminal empire?

- He's a banker. - That's a yes, then.

- You don't get it, do you? - Get what?

This is the best job in the Alps.

They use the place to entertain clients plus a few family weekends.

Apart from that, they're hardly ever here.

I had 30 girls texting me after Milly broke her leg, begging me for the job.

But the agency said it had to be someone they'd seen.

You know what's really funny is, I wasn't going to take it at first.

OK, maybe not really funny but...

Do what I tell you and if you're not up to it, I will tell them.

Listen, a week ago I was mopping up puke in a burger bar.

No, you listen, little Miss Essex no-coat, non-skiing freak show.

I'm not actually from...

The Madsens fly in at five. They expect perfection from the start.

Now, if you screw up or, more importantly, if you make me look bad,

then clearing up puke will be a fond memory of the good old days. Got it?

Oh!

Got it.

So I'll just make myself at home, then.

J' Farmer in my own farm

I In, out and far

I From the high ceilings

(yodelling on TW

- Look out! - Hey!

it's a total nightmare.

It's not like you've got to spend the next four months

sharing a room with her.

- Oh, no, wait, you have. - I'm serious, babes.

It's like she's never seen snow before. it's like she's from Africa.

A chalet girl who can't ski. That's classic.

- Tell me about it. Later, babes. - Later, babes.

The three golden rules of chalet-girling.

One, no friends up in the chalet.

Two, party all you like, as long as breakfast is on the table at eight.

- You oversleep, you pack your bags. - Friends, breakfast, check.

Three, no sleeping with the clients.

Unless they're fit. Or minted. Or hitting on you.

- Basically, there's only two rules. - Basically, yeah.

We're just going to get the essentials for now.

Right, so shall I go and get the veg?

Six tins of caviar, please. Beluga.

Caviar, right. Of course.

I'm more front-of-house type, you're more back office.

Because I know how to talk to them.

Yeah, I don't speak much posh. Dropped it after GCSEs.

- Do you want to prep the veg? -I live to prep veg.

Right, carrots, we've got a big game coming up.

I want to see each and every one of you giving 110 per cent.

Are you done?

Yeah. I thought you said they landed at five.

I did. But the pilot called. They ran into some headwind.