Jenna Loves Pain

Copy that, Starbase 40.

Enterprise will enter transporter range in 10 seconds. Stand by.

Beaming to Enterprise.

Stand by.

Energizing.

Highlighting the urgent need for the kind of quantum stochastic models

of salvo analysis...

Pause.

Should be right...

now.

Resume.

Proposed in this memorandum...

Sir, Ensign Spock, S179-276SP, reporting for duty.

Welcome aboard, ensign.

-How was your trip out to Starbase 40? -Uneventful, sir.

No need to shout, Ensign Spock.

No, sir.

You've been on this ship exactly 37 seconds, ensign,

and you haven't asked a single question.

Not what I expect from a science officer.

I expect you to barrage every crewman you meet with questions,

starting with me, to the point you become an annoyance.

You have until I reach that turbolift. Go.

What is your name, sir?

Just call me Number One.

Sir, what is your opinion

of the Onafuwa model of combat salvo analysis

compared to the traditional neo-Wayne model?

I find it problematic.

Ensign...

how would you like to see the Bridge?

Bridge.

You had Onafuwa for Fundamentals of Quantum Stochastics

and Advanced, One and Two, and seminar, and received top marks.

Indeed. I found it quite...

Brutal?

Yes.

Onafuwa is a monster.

But such a brilliant monster.

And of course the subject matter is...

-fascinating. -Fascinating.

Computer error. Manual control unavailable.

Engineering. -Upjohn, this is Number One.

We have failure in Turbolift 6 and I can't get manual override.

On it, sir. Engineering out.

People don't talk in elevators.

I have observed that, sir.

This may take some time. Let's not waste it.

Keep up the questions.

What are the three most salient facts about Captain Pike?

One, his capacity for hearing out another point of view

is exceeded only by his willingness to change his own

once he's heard you out.

Two, even though

he is the most heavily decorated fighting captain in Starfleet,

he views resorting to force as an admission of failure.

And three...

he is utterly unsentimental.

Except when it comes to horses.

He is sentimental about large herbivorous terrestrial mammals?

Just stay away from the topic, is my advice.

You have made a most careful study of the captain.

Upjohn!

Sorry, sir, we’re isolating the problem.

It’s either the secondary induction coil, or a glitch in the path routing,

or the brakes. Definitely one of those three—

Which version of the 0.S. are the ship’s computers running?

Thirty-six-dot-eleven-dot-four.

I took a look at the bosun sampling of code .5.

In my opinion, it...

-Iacks elegance. -Lacks elegance.

Indeed.

Do the food synthesizers use the Gupta or the Katzman glucose matrix?

We use the Una matrix.

Essentially a Gupta-Katzman hybrid.

It's more reliable than either,

and the results are both more nutritious and more palatable.

-Your name is Una. -That isn‘t a question, ensign.

My name is Number One.

Have you ever considered that the Prime Directive

is not only not ethical, but also illogical,

and perhaps morally indefensible?

No, Spock, I have not, and for the sake of your own sanity,

might I suggest you cease doing so immediately. Next.

Have you considered that the ubiquity of mathematical constants...?

...such as "E" or the so-called golden ratio...

...decline of the universe was designed...

...perhaps an enormous simulation?

-Am I becoming an annoyance? -Just starting to get a bit heavy.

Do you like eggplant?

Give me a boost, ensign.

You know, hoist me up.