Dear Dumb Diary

My name is Jamie Kelly.

I'm an artist and a writer

and an expert on all things beautiful.

Inner beauty, outer beauty- you name it.

I go to Mackerel Middle School.

Hey, you'd think they named it after a fish

because so many of the kids are working below a "C" level.

Okay, bad joke. Forget I ever said that.

My best friend is Isabella.

Isabella is probably one of the nicest people you'll ever meet,

even though you can't tell by looking at her

or meeting her or knowing her your whole life.

Okay, Isabella is my second-best friend.

My best friend is...

well, my best friend is someone I can tell anything to,

even the really weird things that keep happening to me.

Is it just me,

or is it possible that everything in middle school is a weird thing?

- (fireworks explode) - To answer that question,

I need to figure out the meaning of life.

But until then, my best friend is my diary,

my dear dumb diary.

# Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah S

# Yada yah yah yah yah #

Jamie's voice: If I didn't give you permission to read this diary,

you better stop reading right now.

If you are my parents, then yes,

I know I'm not allowed to call people idiots and tools

and trolls and all that.

But this is a diary.

And I didn't actually call them anything,

I wrote it.

And if you punish me for it, then I will know that you read my diary,

which you did not have permission to do.

Now by the power vested in me,

I do promise that everything in this diary is true.

Or, at least as true as I think it needs be.

# Are you sure you're supposed to be #

# Reading someone else's diary? S

# It might be time to stop and think #

# 'Cause I wrote this down in poison ink #

Poisoning somehow seems wrong.

# If you read a little secret about Isabella #

# You really shouldn't know it, so just don't tell her S

# Just let your mind flip into a comfortable numbness #

# But never underestimate your own dumbness #

# Idiots and fools and goons and half-wits #

# It's not my fault I know everything #

# Information is revealed on a need-to-know basis #

# It's all in my dear dumb diary #

# Read it in my dear dumb diary #

# If this is you, freaky beauty queen #

# Otherwise known as Angeline #

# Don't you dare take another peek #

- # 'Cause I won't turn the other... # - (sighs)

# Idiots and fools and goons and half-wits #

# It's not my fault I know everything #

# Information is revealed on a need-to-know basis #

# It's all in my dear dumb diary #

# Read it in my dear dumb diary #

# Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah S

# Yada yah yah yah yah #

J' Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah J'

# Yada yah yah yah yah. #

Jamie: I know, I pretty much rock.

That's why all the dudes are crazy about me.

Dudes like Hudson Rivers.

He knows I got it.

Hey, Jamie, check it out.

New dance I'm working on.

It's called the Choke.

Did you say something, Hudson?

Yeah, the box you made me for my birthday, for my arthropods--

I was up all night labeling. Doesn't it look cool?

I'm sorry. Here, let me help you with that.

I've dropped things before and I know how much trouble droppage can be.

Bugs don't bother you?

Each of these beautiful invertebrates

has their own special role in nature, you know?

Every creature has its place.

And my place-- it's next to you.

We're like two Swallowtail butterflies meant to flap their wings together,

side by side.

Yep, two Swallowtail butterflies

with their pet unicorn

who has his own pet, which is a koala.

- (record dies down) - What?

I said I thought I had more beetles. Did you see any more of them?

No. You know, Hudson, I've been thinking--

- Hey, Angeline. - Jamie's voice: See, dumb diary,

there's one small problem.

The universe has afflicted me with a girl of such genetic superiority

that my own personal awesomeness,

which by just about any standard is sufficiently awesome,

is made to look sub-awesome.

Is that your lip gloss I smell?

Watermelon Splash? It's great.

Good news, Hudson-- you could be a professional smeller if you wanted.

Yeah, you sure smell a lot.

Jamie's voice: And just like that, Hudson followed Angeline

like my dog Stinker following a pork chop.

Watermelon Splash?

Angeline just stole my signature lip-gloss flavor.

This could get ugly, kids.

Normally I hate seeing my best friend Isabella angry.

But now she's mad at Angeline, and I can live with that.

Miss Bruntford would like to remind students

that Tofu loaf--

But more difficult to live

with was having to sit through Mr. Vandoy's class.

He's famous at Mackerel for a historical fact of his own.

He was born with no personality.

When the doctor spanked him, he just said...

Mr. Vandoy's voice: "Really?

Is that absolutely necessary?"

- (Jamie sighs) - In other news,

Mackerel Middle School is proud to announce

the first district-wide Jump-A-Thon.

When you're that pretty, you can't tell right from wrong.

She's blinded by her own beauty.

That's not fair.

Angeline completely throws off the attractiveness curve.

I could be gorgeous and we wouldn't even know it.

- (rock beat playing) - Jamie's voice: Dear dumb diary,

I'm having a brainstorm of gigantic proportions.

What if all the average-looking people in the world banned together?

Seriously, isn't it time we took a stand against the effortlessly beautiful?

# On behalf of the 99% of us #

# We won't bow down to the 1% of the populace S

# We're not going to drop down and take it, now are we? #

# Just because they look like Ken and Barbie #

J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'

J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'

J' All the problems of the world will vanish #

# When the freaks of nature are rounded up #

# And banished #

J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'

# Your sweet-smelling symmetry is starting to sicken me #

# I'm gonna puke my guts in your perfect hair #

# You're so wonderful, flawless and joyful #

# We're gonna ship you to an island #

- # And leave you there... J' - (models screaming)

J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'

Men: # Perfect people #

J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'

J' All the problems of the world will vanish #

# When the freaks of nature are rounded up #

# And banished #

# Perfect people of the world, you've got to go... #

I hereby declare the need

for an equal playing field for all humanity.

Here is my proposal- hair tattooed on the legs of the pretty people,

permanent unibrows surgically implanted

on the foreheads of the effortlessly beautiful,

super stinky pit stains embedded in the shirts of the overly confident.

I do solemnly swear that we will once and for all

put an end to your sickeningly cute injustices,

- now and for all eternity! - (all cheering)

J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'

Men: # The perfect people #

J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'

J' All the problems of the world will vanish #

# When the freaks of nature are rounded up #

# And banished #

# Perfect people of the world, you've got to go-o-o #

Men: # Perfect people #

J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'

J' All the problems of the world will vanish #

# When the freaks of nature are rounded up #

# And banished #

# Perfect people of the world, you've got to go-o-o #

Men: # Perfect people... #

You're beautiful and you smell great and you're nice to be around.

But I'm sorry, you've gotta go!

Mr. Vandoy: Jamie

Jamie?

Your hands are raised.

Do you want to sign up for the Jump-A-Thon?

Angeline was the first to sign her name.

Hmm?

Come on, Jamie, it's for a good cause.

- What have you got to lose? - (grunts)

Hey, I came prepared.

- So did I, Dad. - (bell dings)

Nice.

Mrs. Kelly: Ta-dah!

Jamie's voice: Mom is up to her usual hijinx,

committing dinner against the entire family.

-1 heard that, Jamie. -1 didn't say anything.

You should be grateful. There are plenty of children...

"all over Where-the-Heck-istan..."

...who would love my casserole.

Casserole! That's what that is.

Mmm, yum.

It seems to me that the kids in Where-the-Heck-istan

have enough problems without dumping Mom's casseroles on them too.

- (goats bleating) - (phone ringing)

- Hello? Carol! - It's Aunt Carol!

- No, Carol, it's a fine time. - Let me talk to her!

- (both overlapping) - (door closes)