Mr. Mayor

- Okay. Have fun tonight, sweetheart.

Don't stay up too late. Don't do drugs.

And remember, Slenderman's not real.

When you thought you saw him in the woods,

that was just Jeff Goldblum going for a walk.

- I'll text you in the morning. - Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is this a co-ed sleepover?

- I told you Sage and Latisse were coming.

- Since when are those boy names?

When I was growing up, Neil was as crazy as it got.

We used to have to spell it on the phone all the time.

Hey, kid, come here! - Oh, my God!

Are you gonna be weird about this?

It's a Model U.N. sleepover.

- It's just--it's your first co-ed sleepover.

I feel like we should have had a conversation about it.

- We've had so many conversations!

- You know, Orly, you also have eggs.

But boys have magical worms.

Also known as tumescence, it slowly starts--

See how those dogs are stuck?

I take pride in my talks.

- Sure, okay, I'm just saying that just because

there's gonna be boys in the same house,

doesn't mean we're gonna do anything from that

Israeli coloring book that you got me.

- Well, these are your decisions to make.

But when you do make them,

I want it to be with someone special,

like it was with me and your mom.

Hearts before parts, I always say.

Nope, I just made that up, but I stand by it.

- Hearts, parts. I got it.

Hearts, parts.

Hey, kid. - Huh?

I see you.

- It seems like we're gonna be here late.

Should we get dinner?

- No, we gotta keep our momentum.

This budget's due Thursday.

If you're peckish, I've got a couple of hard-boiled eggs,

and one of those Tom's savory toothpastes.

- Or, we could duck out for din-din tonight?

I hear it's dollar chicken night at Porgy's.

- That's too cheap, Jayden. - We're not doing that.

I'm just saying, you know?

Sometimes it's actually faster to go out.

And the food's hotter.

And I get free dessert wings, 'cause it's my birthday.

- Wait, this is what you're doing for your birthday?

- Yeah, but it's okay. You know, I love my job.

I don't need to go out. I can turn 40 right here.

Now, roll me a birthday egg.

- Okay, fine. Let's go to Porgy's.

Yes, I'm getting a Sprite!

You think you're gonna be

needing the car again tonight, sir?

- Nope--yeah, just a lot of policy to read up on.

Very dry.

You go out there and have fun for me, Dan.

Sounds good, sir.

- Hey there, gorgeous. You up?

Okay, we did it, you're 40.

Jayden, maybe you get that to go?

What's up, Porgy's?

It's Professor Jax coming at you with all the facts!

Everybody grab a partner,

because bar trivia starts right now!

- This place does trivia? I pick Arpi.

Good choice, Mr. Tomás.

This brain is like a "Hoarders" episode.

Once something comes in, it never goes out.

The capital of Alaska is Juneau.

Cows have four stomachs.

I was wearing a blue sweater the day I saw a man drown.

- And I was on a TLC documentary

about child geniuses.

It actually ended up being more

about my dad's hidden clown life,

but still, you two are going down.

Tonight's winning team

gets this one of my son's soccer trophies.

Which three presidents died on July 4th?

- Jefferson, Adams, and Monroe!

- Correct! - What?

You guys didn't grow up with that placemat

of the U.S. presidents and how they died?

- Question two: how long did the Vietnam War last?

- That's a loaded question, Jax.

Conflicts in the region predate--

- 19 years! - Correct!

Well, that's a narrow view.

- Every boyfriend I've ever had wanted to be the first guy

to show me "Apocalypse Now."

Yeah!

These two robins--

- Kermit's nephew and Dick Grayson!

That is correct!

This man's got his learning on tonight, folks.

I liked "The Muppets."

- Morning. - How's tricks, Kwapis?

Tricks are bad, sir.

There's a picture of you trending on the Internet.

- What? Who took that?

Oh, must've been the driver from the car service I got her.

That used to be a noble profession, Jayden.

- Obviously, I wanna hear all the dirty deets.

How French were the kisses? Did you see her tummy?

Mmm.

Oops, somebody saw some tum!

But Mayor-wise, this isn't great.

- It's gross! The whole tableau is gross!

Look, guys,

Nicole is a very nice age-appropriate lady.

- She's young enough to be your daughter.

I'm rich, and it's L.A.

And besides, we've known each other for years.

We actually met--

I used to do this thing where I'd walk

into a Pilates studio and I'd say,

"Sorry, I thought this was the Bentley dealership."

Slick!

And I meet her in secret

because I don't want Orly to think that I'm--

I don't know, betraying her mom's memory.

Well, you're safe.

I'm sure Orly never looks at the Internet.

"Wow, Dad.

Nice photo, hypocrite."

Who's it from?

I don't feel good about

our trivia performance last night, Mr. Tomás.

- It was a fluke, a classic "Slumdog Millionaire."

Jayden only knew who Toscanini was because of a picture

on the wall at Buca di Beppo.

- Hey guys, I was thinking, let's split up the budget.

Just do it by seniority.

Everyone takes a section to proof.

I don't wanna keep doing late nights.

- Yeah, sure, sounds good. - Great idea.

And I know you two don't want another night like last night.

I bet it's driving you crazy

that me and Jayden beat you. - Jayden and I.

- 'Cause you think you're smarter than us.

- Only empirically. - You gotta admit.

You and Kwapis got pretty lucky.

Lucky?

Mikaela Shaw doesn't get lucky.

I got HPV from a pair of vintage jeans.

You guys think you're so smart? Let's have a rematch.

Porgy's, tonight.

Or are you dollar chicken?

Bock, bock.

Wait, was that a yes or a no?

- See you on the ice. - Porgy's again?

My birthday wish came true!

- Hey, sweetie. I was just about--

- I know you got my text. It says "read," Dad.

- Stupid phone! - I'm just confused.

I mean, yesterday, you said that my decisions

should always be with some--

- Someone special. And I meant that.

- Oh, so that was someone special?

The lady that you called an Uber pool for?

We share an account, Dad.

I hate these things!

Look, when I said that stuff to you,

I was-- I was thinking about Nicole.

She's very special.

- Oh, my gosh, Dad. Really?

Yeah, she's my special lady.

- If she's special to you, then she's special to me.

When can I meet her? How about tonight?

Oh--I--yeah.

No, I don't know if tonight's possible.

Yeah, Nicole is a busy professional work woman, and--

- Oh, actually, you know, I can't tonight, either.

Latisse invited me to his lacrosse team's pool party.

He goes to a magnet school for kids

who were emancipated from their parents.

- Actually, tonight's good. I just remembered.

You should meet Nicole tonight.

Let's meet Nicole, all right?

- May the most intelligent team win.

Meritocracy!

- Friendship! Yay!

- Tonight's prize is a big one--

a bassoon!

Brand new, still in the case,

guess how many times my son played it?

The correct answer is none!

The first question is in world geography.

This sub-equatorial country

is home to the yellow-tailed woolly monkey

and one marmalade-loving bear--

- Peru! 'Cause Paddington.

- Correct! - Yes!

- Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes,

and Gorgolzop the Elder.