Not Going Out

You heard from Tim recently?

Yeah, his work placement's going really well.

He thinks he might not be back for a couple of months.

I can't imagine Tim in Germany.

With his blonde hair and ultra-conservative views.

He'd be better off in...

Actually, no, Germany's about right, innit?

You got a date? I wish.

It's dinner with a potential client.

Where are you going? The client's house.

They want to get to know me informally, out of work.

Well, bring them here. I'm very informal.

And out of work.

Why do you never bring your clients round here for dinner? I don't bite.

Exactly. You just sort of

mash the food around in your mouth like a cow.

This client's far too important to risk meeting you.

None taken.

The conversation would go over your head anyway.

Some taken.

Where's that spare change I left on the table?

All taken.

You're really nervous, aren't you?

This is a big deal, Lee. I really need this contract.

You'll be fine. And if all else fails, you've always got my gag

about showing him the elephant with the white ears.

Oh, no, that doesn't really work if you're a... Bye!

Well, thanks for coming round, Lucy.

That's OK, Paul. It was a pleasure.

Look, I'm really sorry I told that tasteless joke

in front of your little daughter, I don't know what I was thinking.

It's fine. I mean, to be honest, I didn't even get it.

I mean I got the "my dog's got no nose" bit,

but you lost me with the pockets for ears?

Sorry.

All the other pitches have been far too formal.

It's nice to have someone with a sense of humour finally.

I'm going to courier over those contracts tomorrow.

And if everything's in order, I think we can green light this.

I like green lights. Better than red ones.

Unless you're a prostitute, which I'm not.

Safe journey home.

Oh, and make sure to close the gate on your way out.

Button has a habit of trying to escape.

I thought your wife was called Karen. Ha.

Boo! Get off!

No, Button is my daughter's rabbit.

It's got a little pink button nose.

If he's got white ears I could do an impression of him.

You know, the pink nose is... Too much.

See you.

You beauty! Well done, Lucy Adams!

That was excellent!

You would have to do something pretty drastic to screw this up now.

THUD

Yes, that would be something.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello?

I've just killed a rabbit.

Whoa, whoa, slow down.

First, tell me what you're wearing.

I've just killed my new client's pet rabbit. With the car.

What, you ran it over?

No, Lee, I locked it inside

and connected the hose pipe from the exhaust(!) Yes, I ran it over!

So why are you telling me?

Because I need help. I don't know what I should do next.

I don't know - what other pets has he got?

I think I'm about to have a panic attack.

'Look, just calm down.'

First things first, are you sure it's dead?

Well, it's very still.

It looks like someone's paused Watership Down.

Actually...

SHE SIGHS

..it is slightly twitching.

'You've got to make sure it's not suffering.' Oh, God!

You're going to have to whack it with something really heavy.

I've got a torch.

Well, there you go. Hopefully it's got Duracell batteries inside. Why?

It's what the bunny would have wanted.

I'm a murderer!

Nice to meet you.

I'm a victim. Come in.

Look, you did the right thing.

I don't mean mowing down a defenceless animal with your car,

obviously, that wasn't the right thing. That was the wrong thing.

But smashing its head in to make sure it was dead,

that was the right thing.

I think.

Isn't there someone stood on a window ledge you should be talking to?

TELEPHONE RINGS

- SHE GASPS - Oh, my God. It's him!

The rabbit?!

The client. He must have worked out what happened.

Well, didn't you go back and tell him? No. I just drove off.

You didn't say tell him!

I didn't say do a hit-and-run either.

I didn't do a hit-and-run. I stopped.

All right, a stop-and-bop.

You should have told him, Lucy.

Look, just answer it and be calm.

Hi, Paul!

Yes, I got home fine, thanks.

Um... No, I didn't see anything.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah.

OK, then, bye.

How was that?

Well, he might not have you down as a rabbit killer, but he might think you're a helium addict.

He asked if I saw his rabbit on the way out.

He didn't accuse me of anything.

Good. No, it's not good, is it?

I'm not just a killer, now I'm a liar.

You're not a liar. You didn't see his rabbit on the way out.

That's why you drove over its head.

Look, just forget about it, he'll think it's just gone missing,

he won't know it's dead and buried.

It's not buried.

Well, how did you get rid of it?

I didn't. It's in the boot of my car.

Are you planning on making a stew?

Why did you put it in your boot?

Well, it would have looked conspicuous sat next to me,

plus I didn't have a booster seat.

I mean, why did you bring it home?

Well I couldn't get rid of it. It was too dark.

Yeah, and we all know the best time to get rid of a corpse

is in broad daylight.

Let's wait till the morning, we'll go down to the Westgate Centre

and nail it to the wall of the bathroom department in Debenhams.

- KNOCKING ON DOOR - Oh, my God, it's the police!

What kind of policemen are dealing with dead rabbits?

Cagney and Flopsy?

Actually Starsky and Hutch would have been funnier.

You're right, not now.

I've been to a netball tournament.

Catch!

GLASS SMASHES

At least we know what the C stands for.

Crap. Rude.

Could have been ruder.

All right, I said I'm sorry. It's not like I killed anyone.

Daisy knows! She can see it.

It's all over my face, isn't it?

What? Are you telling me you ate it now?

What's happened?

I hit a rabbit.

Why, what did it do to you?

In my car.

What was it doing in your car?

It wasn't in my car, I was.

And then I hit it and then I got out and hit it again,

with a torch, and now it is in my car.

Dead.

Wow, this must have been a really naughty rabbit.

She accidentally ran over a rabbit and now it's in her boot.

Oh. She's worried that the owner will trace it back here.

Oh, yes. Yes. The rabbit might have been chipped.

It wasn't chipped, it was mashed.

Oh, my God, I hadn't thought of that.

Oh, this is awful, I'm just going to have to go back to Paul

and tell him the truth.

He'll cancel the contract, but I haven't got any choice.

Unless someone else did it for me.

What do you mean?

Someone else could take the blame.

Say that Button had somehow sneaked out of the garden,

and they accidentally ran over it.

But who would confess to killing a rabbit?

A Catholic fox?

No chance. Oh, please, Lee.

It would be the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Look at me - I'm desperate, I don't know what else to do, Lee.

Oh, not the tears!

First you kill a rabbit and now this, you heartless bitch.

Oh, Daisy, can you get the rabbit out of the boot? I can't look.

Well, you don't need to look. You could do it by feel.

It'll be the furry, wet, squishy thing.

Oh, thank you so much, Lee!

If you ever want me to take the blame for anything you did, just ask.

It's funny you should say that.

I think you should know that earlier this evening,

you accidentally dropped your new iPad in the bath.

Did I? Well that was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it?

I can't believe I was even having a bath.

It's not even my birthday.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

You were only holding it in one hand.

Why, what was I doing with the other...?

Oh, yeah.

I don't think I've been properly following all of this, have I?

Don't worry about it Daisy, it's all sorted.

Yes, I know, but if Lee's taken your client's dead rabbit back to his house...

Yes? Then whose is this dead rabbit jammed under your wheel arch?

Oh, my God. That must be the rabbit I hit.

THAT'S Button. I thought that other one was a bit wild-looking.

So would you be if you'd just been clubbed to death with a torch.

Oh, no...

The wild one must have just been asleep.