Just Write

Harold: When I was a kid, I asked a buddy of mine what his parents did for a living.

He had no idea, he thought they stole shoes.

I knew exactly what my parents did.

They ran a tour bus company, and my father had this tour bus cap,

and it was like a crown.

I used to give my super-special tour

to all the kids in the neighborhood. They loved it.

I didn't wanna go to heaven or hell like everybody else,

I wanted to go to Beverly Hills.

I wanted to roam through the mansions

and just see whatever movie stars do when no one's around.

From the time I was 6 years old, I knew what I wanted to do.

You know, I wanted to be a tour bus driver.

You know, and I'm pretty good at it.

Nice to see you, Governor. Welcome to Trolleywood Tours.

Excellent. I don't know if you're tall enough to go on this ride,

but please enjoy yourself.

We have a metal detector, so anything you're wearing

could be used against you in a court of law. Nice to see you.

Welcome to Trolleywood Tours.

It's an hour and 15 minute tour, everybody.

Well, there goes the music.

I guess we'll do the rest of the tour a cappella, everybody.

Welcome to Beverly Hills.

Your first attraction is here on your left.

John Travolta is actually adding a wing to his home.

And right next to him, Sharon Stone.

I think they may even be building a tunnel underneath.

Can only imagine what those pajama parties are like.

And right up here on the right, we have the home

where Gloria Swanson used to live.

You remember Gloria from the film Sunset Boulevard.

She played the actress that shot the young writer,

William Holden, in the back, but that was years ago.

Today we have the director for that...

Today-- Today we have the director for that.

Wow. I know this mic is on because I can hear you sleeping.

Right here on your left, I believe Zsa Zsa Gabor

slapped Cher's pool boy 16 times.

Ha ha! That's not true. Kidding.

If you look up to your left, ladies and gentlemen,

you'll see two wonderful tennis courts.

The Van Pattens live here.

You know, Dick Van Patten from TV's Eight is Enough.

Wonderful man.

Combs his hair from right here, throws it all the way over.

Everybody wins.

A little bit of trivia for you guys.

Uh, Spencer Tracy was brought out of retirement

by Katharine Hepburn to do one last film.

That film was Guess Who's Coming to Dinner,

starring opposite the pioneer in his own right,

Mr. Sidney Poitier, who happens to live right to the left of us.

Mr. Sidney Poitier.

Okay. I believe Jean-Claude Van Damme

made an offer on that home right there.

- -Woman: Where, where, where?

- -Okay.

We're gonna take this side street right here.

I'll tell you why. If you look to your left,

I believe Arnold Schwarzenegger owns the entire block.

- -Man: Yeah, he can afford it.

Oh, man, oh.

And right here is the home of Amanda Clark, everybody.

Probably the finest young actress around.

She's completed ten films in the past six years

and is rumored to be doing her next film with Brad Pitt.

A thriller.

She's quite an actress.

Now, coming up right here on your right

is a church where so many celebrities get married.

In fact, the church is so popular

that they keep coming back to do it again and again...

and again.

They can't stop doing it.

That's a joke about how many times celebrities get married.

All right.

My dear friends.

You have come together in this church...

for richer or for poorer,

preferably richer,

in sickness and in health,

from this day forward,

for as long as you both shall live and rock on.

Bride: Eh... that depends.

Y-You're supposed to say "I do."

Bride: Hey, I know what I'm supposed to say.

And what I'm saying is, it depends.

Okay. Eh, it depends?

Bride: Yeah. On what you plan on doing with the rest of your life.

Come on, you can't go on being just a tour guide.

I wanna be with someone successful,

a lawyer, a CEO.

Or a doctor.

I didn't go to college.

- -What?!

-Bride: You didn't go to college? -No.

Bride: Everybody who's anybody goes to college.

I mean, really, that is the least you could have done.

Now... hold on, I thought that we were in love.

-Bride: Oh, please! -

Bride: Don't hand me that emotional crap.

No. I want bucks.

Big bucks.

Come on, there's more to life than just money.

-Bull! -Bride: Like what?

-Like-- -Bride: And don't give me that love stuff.

All right, all right, what about movies?

-Bride: Movies? -Yeah, what about movies?

-Yeah, movies. -Bride: Movies?

-Yeah, I love-- -All you know about is movies?

No, I know about, I know about--

Bride: Oh, pally, here, you gotta forget this.

I am just so outta your league.

You see, darling, you should have listened to your mother.

You should have married your gynecologist.

Don't look at me, pal. I get paid either way.

What?

-What? -Can we go now?

Oh. Okay, here we go. We're moving on.

We're gonna move on.

Whoo!

That concludes another tour

of the rich and infamous. Thank you very much.

Seriously, you guys, thank you for choosing Trolleywood Tours.

See you later, ma'am. Enjoy your trip here.

Y'all come back now, hear?

Thank you. Enjoy your stay.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you.

We were wondering if you knew any place

that we could, like, go and see a movie star.

Yeah. They're all over the place,

but there are a couple places, but they're pretty pricey,

but I know you can see some folks.

That's fine, we're from Wisconsin and we're splurging.

Ah, there you go, okay.

Well, my friend Danny is a bartender

-at a place called Mandalay... -Mm-hmm.

Right down Hollywood Boulevard, left,

and it's right there on Melrose.

-Okay, good. -Great.

-Thank you. -Thank you so much.

-Maybe we'll see you there. -Maybe. See you later.

-Bye. Thanks! -Good luck.

Hey. Subway construction's still going on.

Cahuenga's a mess.

What's going on?

I was on the phone ten days ago

and they told me emphatically I had a 90-day extension.