Same Time, Next Year

Come on, damn it.

Hi.

Uh... hello.

That's a real sharp-lookin' outfit.

What time is it? My watch is on the bed table.

- Ten to 12:00? - No, no, it's 8:25.

The stem is broken.

It's three hours and 25 minutes fast.

Why don't you get it fixed?

I was going to, but I got used to it.

Doesn't it mix you up?

No, I'm very quick with figures. Oh.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Why do you have to look so luminous?

It would make things so much easier if you woke up with puffy eyes...

and blotchy skin like everyone else.

I guess God just figured that chubby thighs were enough.

Look, this isn't gonna just go away. We have to talk about this.

Okay.

Where you going? I wanna brush my teeth.

Dorothy, sit down.

Oh, by the way... No, please, sit.

Dorothy, in the first place,

I want you to know that what happened last night was the most beautiful,

wonderful, crazy thing that's ever happened to me,

and I'll never forget it or you.

Doris.

What? My name is Doris.

Your name is Doris? Yes.

I've been calling you Dorothy all night. I know.

Why didn't you tell me earlier? I didn't know we were gonna end up...

And then I did try and tell you, but you weren't listening.

When?

It was right in the middle of everything.

It was incredible, wasn't it?

It was... nice.

I mean, especially the last time.

I know, I'm an animal.

I don't know what came over me.

I mean, I was... what... Wait, what was wrong with the first two times?

Well, the first time was a little fast.

And, um, the second time...

Listen, I really feel funny talking about this.

It was a very beautiful thing, Doris.

There was nothing ugly or disgusting about what we did.

Then how come you look so down in the dumps?

Because my wife is going to kill me.

Well, how's she gonna find out? She knows already.

- You said she was in New Jersey. - It doesn't matter. She knows.

How?

Was it as incredible for you as it was for me?

Do all men like to talk about it a lot afterwards?

Why? You think I'm some kind of a pervert or something?

Oh, no! I was just curious.

See, I was a virgin when I got married. Well, at least sort of.

Sort of?

Well, I was pregnant, but I don't count that.

Doris, that counts!

No, I mean it was by the man that I married. Oh, I see. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right. See, Harry and me were gonna get married anyway.

That just speeded things up a little bit.

It turns out I get pregnant if we drink out of the same cup.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I-I-I-I'm fine.

I'm all right.

Doris? What?

I think I'm in love with you.

I mean, it's crazy. It's really crazy.

I don't even know if you've read Catcher in the Rye.

Oh, no, I didn't even finish high school. There. You see?

I don't even care, and I'm really a snob about education.

Of course, I should have known this would happen.

When it comes to life, I have a brown thumb. What do you mean?

I mean nothing I ever do turns out right.

First time... First time I had sex, I was 18 years old.

We were in the backseat of a parked 1938 Dodge sedan.

Right in the middle of it, we were rear-ended.

Oh. And you didn't have any insurance?

No, that's not exactly what I mean. I mean...

Oh. Look, take last night.

You know what the radio was playing while we were making love?

No. "If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked A Cake."

So? So that's gonna be our song.

Is it? No.

I mean, other people would have gotten "Be My Love" or "Some Enchanted Evening."

Me, I get "If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked A Cake."

What is it?

I really want to take a bath now.

Oh, I'm so... Oh, I see. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, sure. I'll... I'll wait out... I'll be out...

Wow!

We're in big trouble, Doris. Huh?

I really think I've fallen in love with you.

- You wanna know what kind of luck I have? - Yeah.

I'm happily married!

Are you Jewish?

No.

Then how come you feel so guilty? Don't you feel guilty?

You kidding? Half my high school became nuns.

I guess the Catholics have rules about this sort of thing.

Oh, yeah, we have rules about everything.

That's what's so great about being Catholic.

You always know where you stand.

I tell you, Doris, I feel like slitting my wrists.

- Are you Italian? - What's with you and nationalities?

Nothing. You're just so emotional.

I happen to be a C.P.A. Oh?

I could be as logical as the next person. Oh.

Well, you don't strike me as the accountant type.

It's very simple. My whole life has been a mess.

Figures always come out right.

What are you? Oh, I'm Irish.

Well, they're emotional. Why aren't you yelling or crying or something?

I did all of that before in the bathroom.

Crying? Nope. Yelling.

I didn't hear you. I stuffed a towel in my mouth.

I'm sorry. It's all right.

No sense crying over spilt milk.

Yeah, you're right.

How come we feel so terrible?

Because we're two decent, honest people, and this thing is tearing us apart.

I mean, I know it wasn't our fault, but I...

I keep seeing the faces of my children and the look of betrayal in their eyes.

I keep thinking about my marriage vows,

the trust my wife has placed in me...

and all the experiences we've shared together.

And you know the worst part of it all?

What?

While I'm thinking all this,

I have this fantastic hard-on.

I really wish you hadn't said that.

I'm sorry. I think we should be totally honest with each other.

It's not that. It's that I have to go to confession.

You know...

W-We're both crazy. You know that, don't you?

I mean, this sort of thing happens every day to millions of people.

You don't use actual names in confession, do you? No.

Doris, may I ask you something?

Sure.

Would you go to bed with me again?

Oh, George, I can't.

Why not? 'Cause we'd just feel worse afterwards.

Oh, no. I'm over that now. I just remembered something.

What? The Russians have the bomb.

We could all be dead tomorrow.

George, I think you're clutching at straws.

Doris, don't you understand? No.

We're two grown-up people.

We have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or afraid of.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

Uh... Coming! My hat. My bag.

What? My hat! My bag!

Be right there.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going?

Okay.

- Don't go in the bathroom. - Why not?

That's the first place they'd look.

Oh!

Oh, hello. Oh, good morning, Mr. Peters.

- I've got your breakfast. Did you have a good night? - Yes. Fine, fine.

Uh, y-you know, I think I heard an owl out here.

I'm a C.P.A. When you work hard all year, it's great to get back to nature.

I really loved it. That's right.

Well, thank you, Mr. Chalmers. You're welcome.

Have a nice day, now. Thank you. You too.

- Enjoy the view. - Yes, I will. I'll just wander around by myself.

Doris?

Doris?

Have you got a woman in there?

It's okay. It was old Mr. Chalmers with my breakfast.

I was very calm. He didn't suspect a thing. He didn't ask about the girdle.

- What? - Girdle.

Oh, great!

Now he probably thinks I'm a homo. Oh, well.

What do you care? I stay here every year.

Oh, yeah? How come?

I have a friend who went into the wine business near here.

I fly out the same weekend every year to do his books. From New Jersey?