The Death of Stalin

Radio Moscow. Director Andreyev. What is it?

Seventeen minutes.

Yes, of course I can ring back in 17 minutes.

Yeah.

Yes, I'm writing it down.

I can't get the...

One, five...

Sorry? Was that a nine, as in fine?

Or another five as in...

- Hive. - Hive?

Hello? Hello?

- Hive? - Who was it?

The Secretariat of the General Secretariat.

Of the General Secretary. The Secretary of the General...

Stalin?

Turn that down.

Put that apple down.

You're always eating bloody apples.

I'm to call him back in 17 minutes.

Seventeen minutes from when you picked up the phone

or from when you put it down?

Seventeen minutes from when I said I'd call back in 17 minutes.

- When was that? - I don't know.

Thirty seconds ago?

- A minute? - Well, which one?

- A minute. - A minute?

A minute.

- You sure? - No.

Well, well, well.

Oh, I put Shteyman on the list, the writer.

- I know you like his work, but... - No, leave him on.

And Shteyman two, his wife?

On.

They're a couple, ain't they?

We're talking about Stalingrad, how cold it was,

and we would do anything, anything, to warm ourselves up.

We'd throw live grenades to each other.

We'd pull the pin, throw it to the prisoners.

They'd be jumping around like drunken whores.

What was the grenade?

- A grenade. - Georgy.

- A grenade... what do you... - No, no, no.

You're obstructing the story. Let him tell it.

So, ten past, the call came in.

- Seventeen minutes... - So call back 10:27?

- Yeah. - You don't seem confident.

Well, I wasn't the one on the phone.

And it was definitely a nine, wasn't it?

- I wasn't the one on the phone. - You keep saying that.

- It's not helping. - I wasn't though, so...

A grenade in his mouth!

- Always cracks me up, this one. - And then boom!

I'll have these dispatched.

That's how you turn a Prussian into a bowl of soup.

Oh, there he goes.

Yes, we see your list, Beria.

Shoot her before him, but make sure he sees it.

Oh, and this one...

Kill him, take him to his church, dump him in the pulpit.

And I'll leave the rest up to you.

Let's go!

First three names on list. Top name, apartment 15. Go.

Go, go.

Come on. Where are you going? Get round here. Get on the bus.

Comrade, it's the greatest honour.

He can't see me bow.

- Comrade Director. - Oh, shit.

Five... nine.

Hello.

This is Stalin.

Bravo!

Sorry. It's really noisy. I'm sorry about that.

How are you? How is it wherever you are?

Sorry. Sorry again.

- Are you there? - Receiving you.

I want a recording of tonight's performance.

I'll send someone to pick it up.

I think you split a couple of notes.

You cheeky bugger. I did not.

- How was it? Was it good? - I thought wonderful.

Was the concerto recorded?

Was it recorded? Please say yes.

- No. It went out live. - Stay. Stay.

Okay, nobody leave! Nobody leave! Lock the doors! Lock those doors!

If you wouldn't mind just taking your seats again.

That would be fantastic.

Take your seats. Take your fucking seats.

Don't worry, nobody's gonna get killed, I promise you.

This is just a musical emergency.

Take your seats. That's it.

Nobody be alarmed. It's fine.

Sit down! Do not defy me!

Sit your arses down!

Top me up. Everybody drinks.

As I was saying, we had this 12-year-old scout.

His whole family was wiped out by the Krauts.

But before that he taught us this trick. He taught us this trick.

He taught us this trick. If you stick somebody's little finger

in a glass of water while they're sleeping,

they wet themselves.

Here, what next?

You stick a bar of chocolate

in their pocket, they shit their pants?

But it's biology, Chief. We did it to Polnikov in Stalingrad.

But, anyway, shit your pants, that's great.

Whatever became of Polnikov?

You wanna know where fucking Polnikov is?

You wanna go there?

I love that grenade story.

- Oh, is there one in your pocket? - No, no, come on. No, not again!

No, don't you...

God damn it!

Caught red-handed.

Well, I would die for the Motherland!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Take this, you bastards!

All right, let's get going.

Time for a cowboy movie. Who's in my posse?

Here we go. He rides out, he gets shot off his horse.

Adios.

Thank you very much. It's gonna be okay.

Sit where you sat before.

Right, what do you think?

Well, half the audience have gone. The acoustic will be very lively.

Go and get some more people in off the street.

Fat ones, so we don't need as many.

Really? How fat?

I could get my wife. She'd deaden the acoustic.

Comrades... Comrades, shut up!

I have wonderful news.

Comrade Stalin loved tonight's concerto

and would like a recording of it right away,

which we don't have, for reasons that are myriad and complex and...

But meanwhile the concerto we just played will be played again.

And this time we will record it and we will applaud it.

Yes. Yes.

Brilliant. Okay.

Excuse me.

I won't do it.

Come on, through here. In you come.

Sit down. Sit down.

You, Joan of Arc, do you want to get killed?

Like my father got killed, my brother? Like that?

- But they would want you to live. - I won't do it. You can't force me.

- Can't we just get another pianist? - That would be ridiculous.

The sound would be completely different.

- Even Stalin could... - Even?

- I didn't mean... - Even Stalin?

I hope this office isn't bugged.

Of course Comrade Stalin would be able to tell the difference.

He's a great man with a great ear.

- Two great ears. - Sharp. They're sharp.

- The sharpest ears in the... - In the Soviet Union.

Maria Veniaminovna, you have to play.

I didn't... I didn't mean what I said.

So you said it then?

As God is my witness, I won't do it. The Lord will see me through.

10,000 roubles.

20,000.

Done. Let's go.

What the fuck?

What fucking brainless fire-safety fucking idiot put that there?

Now we need a new conductor. Let's go.

Which one's your father in?

Thank you. You've been very helpful. Follow me.

Open up!

Let's get these on the bus.

Keep it moving! We've still got things to do!

Come on, move!

I love you. I love you.

Now, you say whatever you have to say to them. You say it.

Oh, God.

Hello. Hi.

Deepest apologies, sir.

Radio Moscow requests your presence immediately, please.

You're Moscow's finest and nearest conductor, so we must hurry.

I rather enjoyed your reference to Polnikov this evening.

Stalin looked like he was gonna split your head open.

What became of Polnikov and Trotsky? I was a huge fan of his.

I miss the Tsar.

I'm exhausted. I can't remember who's alive and who isn't.

Georgy, when you go home, make sure your wife writes down

everything you think you said tonight.

All right, this way in the morning you know what you're dealing with.

That's Khrushchev's Law.

Good night, comrades. Long live the Communist Party of Lenin-Stalin.

Long live John Wayne and John Ford.

Goodbye, Molotov, old friend.

Goodbye forever.

Yeah. On the list.

It would be simpler and cheaper

if they just drove straight into a river.

Sweet dreams.

Good night.

Night.

People in off the streets.

Just this way.

I don't think any of these people have ever heard of Mozart.

I made a joke about the farmers.

- Did Stalin laugh? - Yeah.