Villorrio del Caudillo: Paletos y cuchillos

The Sun rises at Villorrio del Caudillo.

The rooster crows again like every morning, and the townsfolk open their eyes to the new day with the first rays of sunlight.

But today is no ordinary day at Villorrio del Caudillo.

Today is the eve of the big village festival, and all the locals get up excited for the preparations.

Good grief! Forgive my manners! I still have not introduced the townsfolk to you.

Let us go by parts.

Here is good old Rogelio, a most lovable character from this village.

He has just ran into his cousin Emiliano, who, for the looks of it, has brought some pieces of junk for good Rogelio,

since he's known as “The Collector”.

What Rogelio doesn't know is that every morning Emiliano sneaks into his house to pick up the very same stuff he gives to him later on.

Good old Rogelio happens to suffer from what the city folk call Diogenes syndrome.

The townsfolk, however, with a little bit of patience and these clever tricks,

manage to keep under some acceptable limit the eccentricities of their collector.

- Thank you very much, Emiliano. - You're welcome!

You really know the stuff I like!

And there he merrily goes.

This young girl shaking her hips around over there is Saturnina, a cousin of both lads.

To tell the truth, everyone in this village happens to be cousins, siblings, parents, grandparents and grandchildren...

Villorrio is somewhat of a big family.

Let's meet some more locals.

Here is Zacarías, who thoroughly watches over every detail.

In the background there are the official gossips of Villorrio: Calista, the widow, and Higinia, the old maid.

They are always arguing, but they are never seen far from each other.

There is Saturnina coming back, and she is with her brother Ausencio just like before.

This wonder of nature was gifted with an incredible strength, but the poor thing has as much strength as he lacks wits.

Let's follow them! It looks like they are headed to their parents' place. Let's go, let's go!

Here's Granny, the par excellence cook of Villorrio del Caudillo.

And behind her is Dolores, these two youngsters' mother

Both of them are preparing the cooking tools for the great feast of Villorrio del Caudillo's big festival.

But hurry up! Let's follow Ausencio.

I have a suspicion he will bring us to the most distinguished person of this village.

There he is: Don Herminio, the butcher,

but who also happens to be the doctor, the veterinarian, the herald... Oh! And the Most Honorable Mayor of Villorrio del Caudillo.

As usual during this time of the year, he is getting his knives ready.

What are you doing?

How many times have I told you not to take my knives away?

His other son, the younger one, has gone fetch the animals to sacrifice in order to provide the meat and cold cuts for the festival,

the ones he will keep, with great care and diligence, in the barn.

But let's look for another peculiar and charming character from this county.

Where is little Petronila?

She does not seem to be in the woods... Let's look around here... No.

Maybe she is at the old water tank... Too bad! She is not there either.

Where on Earth must this girl have gone?

I got it! She may be by the road. Yes! There she is!

My, my, Petronila! She really likes to get away from the grown-ups to play!

The clock is about to ring noon.

Tonight, as the bell rings twelve times once again, Villorrio del Caudillo's boastful festival will begin.

Nice scarecrow.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to have seen a white van passing by, would you?

Damn, they should already be here.

Fuck you, it was about time already!

What the fuck's this?

You are two hours late, with Nuts bleeding like crazy, fucking covered up in coke...

And where the fuck's Bravo?

- Don't worry for me, Boss, don't worry! - It's all the fucking newbie's fault, damn it!

Who the fuck had the great idea to meet up at such an obscure place and, on top of it, gets lost?

- You piece of shit! You touch me again and I'll rip your fucking head off! - Don't you dare to threaten me, son of a bitch!

Ow, it hurts! Ouch!

That motherfucking Bravo has double-crossed us, Boss. We have to treat Nuts' wound now!

You are a fucking amateur gang!

See? I bet that one already hides herself away to pee.

- Shut the fuck up, you sicko! - Told you not to call me names, you asshole!

You motherfucking fat ass piece of shit! I'm gonna rip your fucking head off and make myself a stew with it!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Shut the fuck up already!

We'll proceed this way.

We're lucky we're in the fucking back end of nowhere and no-one's going to come for us here.

We'll go to the closest village and try to treat this one's wound, since he must have already lost plenty of blood.

When he's ready to go, we'll carry on as planned.

Now, Josa, tell me what the Hell has happened!

You see, Boss: We got to the warehouse on time.

We snuck into the building without a noise. Then Fernandito went and... Whoa!

He went straight for the guard at the booth and he stabbed him with a knife! See, see, see...

Then, I went for the other one and I made him go “crack”! Broke that one's neck.

Then he stormed for the other guy and...

Bamm! He smashed his melon against the wall.

Once we got the feel of it, we closed in very quietly.

Fernandito gave us the order, pah, pah, and we came in.

What do we have here? I'll need to search more thoroughly...

- You, give me the bag! - Fuck yourself!

- Give me the bag! - You take it!

In a moment we had everything under control. Under control, my ass!

All of a sudden, I heard right here a voice that told me:

Well, thanks for everything, folks. Now, drop the guns.

- What the fuck are you doing, you son of a bitch? - Shut up!

Drop the gun!

What's with you? Are you crazy?

- Fuck you, Bravo, you're a son of a bitch! Bastard! - Shut up already!

- Drop the guns! - Drop the guns! Drop the guns!

I'm gonna kill you, motherfucking traitor!

You, the bag. Give me the bag.

Give me the fucking bag!

Give him the bag.

Fuck you, Nuts, give him the fucking bag!

Fucking bitch!

Cold mind in corpore sano, Boss. Cold mind in corpore sano!

Fuck, fuck. Fucking shit! I'm tired of all this crap!

And to Hell with those two!

I love the smell of coke in the morning!

Then I turned around with Fernandito to grab all the stuff when we heard a...

Go, go, go, move! Let's get the Hell outta here! Let's go! Go, go, move already!

- What the fuck has happened in there? He's bleeding to death! - Turn it on, fuck you!

Start the fucking car, jerkass!

Fuck, fuck, fuck! What the fuck has happened there, guys?

I'll like to know it too. What the fuck have you done to Nuts? The boss is gonna kill us all!

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fucking damn piece of shit! Make him shut it now!

Fucking damn bitch!

She broke my nose! I need my fucking Ventolin!

No!

- Shut the fuck up, fucking fat ass! - Want a piece of me or what?

Goddamn it, shut up or I'll kill you!

Are you threatening me? Are you threatening me?

- The fuck, you motherfucking piece of lard! I'm gonna blow you up! - What do you want?

- Wanna shoot me, fucking asshole? - What do you want?

- What's with you? What's the matter? - Easy, easy!

Fuck it, I'm fucking fed up with your fucking shit!

- Take the wheel, I'm gonna kill him! - Wanna shoot me? As if you got the balls!

Police! Police!

Are you serious? Did Fernandito blow up a police car with a can?

Yeah, Boss. These Ruskies are some serious badasses!

That wasn't the usual thing, Boss!

Look, there's the village. Let me do the talking and stay put.

Not every situation can be solved with a gun, so put them away and don't take them out until I say so.

You've already screwed it up enough for today.

We've already screwed it up enough for today...

The inhaler... The inhaler...

Good morning!

Hello. Excuse me, do you know if there's any doctor nearby? We've had a hunting accident.

Don't you say! My, you weren't pulling my leg!

Pulling your leg... Seems like I started off with the wrong foot.

You should keep your eyes peeled, lad! Come on, get off the van! Come with me, we've got plenty o' stuff here, come on!

- Kiddo, you stay here! - Fuck!

Hey, gorgeous...

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die!

- You can't put the old wine in new bottles. - Here, here, here!

Wine's the answer. What was the question?

A meal without wine it's called a breakfast!

I like'em! I like'em! And all of 'em in different colors!

- See, Paquito? Classy people. - I say!

I can tell your village is pretty nice these days. Are you in the middle of some celebrations?

- Yes sir, you've got a really good eye. - Fucking bitch.

The festival begins tonight, and everyone's busy with the preparations.

If you may honor us with your presence, you'll enjoy the best festivities you've ever seen.

Come in, come in. This way.

Granny! Granny! Come're!

Look, I brought you some good-looking lads!

- What a surprise! - Good morning, Granny.

Hello, madam.

Those are real hunks!

Oh my, look at these arms... And he's so handsome!

Granny! Don't stick too much to him. We may get jealous and things might get bad... 152

Enough, Granny! Stop being a pain.

Wait a minute, my dear.

Hey, you over there, take a picture of me with this lad...

Of course, Granny. But you haven't taken a picture with me since I was little!

Come on!

Take the picture, kid.

- Come on, come on. - See you later, my pretties.

- This way. - Later Granny!

Nice, huh?

Awesome, Fernandito.

Now, what are you doing still here? Let's go see my husband, come on!

Hey, Josa.

Go with Timoteo and hide the cars outside the village.

We'll be staying for the night.

Ha! I'm gonna cut it off! Closer, closer... get a little closer...

Ha! Watch out your hands! There, just a little more... Ha! I'll get ya!

Here, come on!

Come on, a little more... Ha! I'll get ya!

Oh! We have some visitors here! Why do I have the honor?

You see, Herminio, looks like these gentlemen got involved in a hunting accident.

Kid, go and fetch this lumber to your aunt.

Easy, easy...

He's just not used to foreigners.

- Hello, how are you, sir? - Come here, my new and dear friend!

The case is one of the lads has shot himself in the foot. And we were wondering what to do with him now.

You are quite well-dressed to go hunting...

Of course they are, Herminio! Well-dressed and smart.

- You can really tell they are city people. - Blessed be the drunk men,

- for they will see God twice! - The best wine is that a body drinks of another man's cost.

What's drinking?

- Just a pause from thinking! - Olé!

- What's the matter? - You brew such a good wine...

Give me more, give me more!

This looks really, really bad.

I'll have to cut it off.

Well, you're the learned man, doctor.

Well, don't you worry. My wife will set the barn up so you can have a good night's sleep.

Let's heal this kid. And y'all an get ready to enjoy

our festival while he recovers, all right?

Thank you very much.

Fuck, the van's fucking filthy as Hell. Piece of shit! You're a bunch of useless idiots.

It won't be going anywhere soon.

Go and leave the weapons in the boss' car.

Gonna take a piss.

Me too.

This scarecrow is lacking the eyes.

Come on, man. Leave her alone.

What's with you and this girl?

Let's see, are we thieves or kid murderers?

You're lucky I'm not one.