Two and a Half Men

* Men.

No... No, Charlie.

It's mine.

What?

Give it back.

Ow!

Mom! Charlie hit me!

Oh, okay.

Consuela, Charlie hit me.

Ow!

Mom, Consuela hit me.

God. Here we go again.

I'll run away, then you'll be sorry.

Ow! Mom, Charlie's making me hit myself.

Hey. What are you doing up?

Your brother's talking in his sleep again.

No kidding. what about?

Some childhood dream about you making him hit himself.

What childhood? That was last week.

Sports Center?

Yeah. I'm making my picks for tomorrow's games.

Really, Charlie?

Taking the points against Georgetown?

No.

If you want to throw your money away,

why don't you just get married without a prenup.

You know something I don't?

So far this year, Georgetown's covered the spread

eight times out of ten.

Wow, you bet college basketball?

Only idiots bet college basketball.

No offense.

Then how do you know all this stuff?

I worked for a sports book in Vegas.

Then I opened my own little business

in the back of a candle shop in Sherman Oaks.

I always wondered how those places stayed in business.

Yeah, so did the IRS.

So they nailed you for running a book?

No. They nailed me for running a candle store

that made a quarter of a million dollars a year

without selling one freakin' candle.

Okay, so no on Georgetown.

Does Alan know about this?

He knows about the candle store.

Let's just keep the other part between us.

Yeah, he's kind of prissy about moral stuff like gambling.

Yeah, he is.

And drinking.

Well, that's only because when he drinks,

he gets all weepy and then he pukes.

And whoring.

No, he doesn't have a moral problem with that.

He's just cheap and he likes to cuddle.

Well, don't worry-- your sordid gambling past will be our secret.

I'm glad to know I can trust you. Well, of course you can.

Hey, I never told him about your little soft-core film career.

Oh, God.

You saw Cinnamon's Buns?

Not all the way through.

Although I am very familiar with

the bakery shop scene in the middle.

You know, with the frosting gun?

I was 19, I needed the money.

They promised me it would be tasteful.

It looked very tasteful.

And delicious.

Yum, yum.

Glad to hear you enjoyed it.

Oh, yeah. Although I don't think you were well-served

by the screenplay.

What screenplay?

There was just a greasy little guy behind the camera

saying, "Do this, do that. More frosting."

It's kind of weird. In some way,

you and I have more in common than you and my brother.

All right, let's take something off the table right away.

What's that? My ass.

That's not what I was getting at...

Seriously, Charlie, in spite of my past,

I'm just a nice little Valley soccer mom now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, soccer mom?

Your kid's a babbling pothead.

He played soccer when he was ten.

He scored two goals.

In one game?

In one season. Shut up.

The point is,

I am way past guys like you.

What do you mean guys like me?

I mean guys that I have to dip in ammonia

before I'd let them anywhere near me.

Oh. Those guys.

Well, as long as we're being honest,

I'm perfectly happy with the way things are between us.

Besides, you're really good for Alan.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, no,

y-you're, you're smart, you're strong,

you're self-sufficient, and he's, well... not.

I think you underestimate your brother.

It's not an estimate. I already got the bill.

You'll see, one of these days he's gonna surprise you.

And one of these days I'm gonna die of liver failure.

Want to lay odds which happens first?

Good night, Charlie. Good night.

Ammonia?

Am I that skeevy?

Yes.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Morning. Morning.

Did Lyndsey leave yet?

No. Why?

No reason. Just trying to keep track of who's in my house.

Don't worry, she's leaving very soon.

I'm not worried.

You not so much.

Thank you.

That never ceases to be funny.

Ah, cinnamon buns!

How did you know?

I bought them.

Oh, right, cinnamon buns.

Who doesn't love cinnamon buns?

Charlie!

What, what, what?

Alan bought cinnamon buns.

With frosting.

Oh.

Yum.

All right, honey.

I'll see you later.

Oh. I'll call you after work.

See ya, Charlie.

Hey, Lynds, has your son picked a college yet?

Uh, no. Why?

Well, I was just wondering

if he were to choose between say...

North Carolina and Kentucky...

...which one would you encourage him to pick?

Keeping in mind that as an out-of-state resident,

Kentucky is two-and-a-half times more expensive.

I'd still go with Kentucky. It's a better school.

Interesting.

Well, I hope he gets in.

Thanks. Bye.

Bye.

What was that all about? Hmm?

Since when do you care about her kid's education?

Young people are our future, Alan.

I care about them all.

Oh, please. The only young people you care about

are sliding down a pole to grab dollar bills out of your mouth.

Those aren't dollar bills-- those are 20s.

And when did you become such a cynic?

And when did you become so interested

in the comings and goings of my girlfriend--

or what her kid's up to?

Whoa, whoa, chill.

No, no, I will not chill.

And what was all that about liking having her around?

Nothing. I like having her around.

Yeah, but around what?

Excuse me?

I think when you say "around," you mean under.

Don't go down that road, Alan.

Oh, oh, why shouldn't I go down that road?

Is it slippery when wet?

Are you out of your mind? What's gotten into you?

Oh, I think a better question would be what's gotten into you?

I mean, who have you gotten into?

Alan, Alan, listen to me very carefully.

I have not had sex with your girlfriend.

Oh, so it's still in the planning stages.

No. But you do want her?

No. Why not? What's wrong with her?

Nothing. She's terrific.

So you do want her!

Alan, believe me, when it comes to Lyndsey,

you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's what you said about Wendy Freidman

and Kathy Bell and Amy Driskell.

Who?

They're all girls that you stole from me.

What are you talking about?

I never stole anybody from you.

Wendy Freidman.

Sixth grade, Halloween party.

I went to get her punch. When I came back,

you were bobbing for her apples.

Innocent fun.

Oh... Kathy Bell, ninth grade.

I brought her home to work on our science project.

I went to the bathroom.