'Til Death

I can't help it, Eddie.

She does this to me. She makes me nuts!

Listen, honey. Your mom visits us 3 days a year.

We're gonna get through this together.

That's easy for you to say. She doesn't make you nuts.

You weren't raised by her.

I happen to get a kick out of your mom.

You know, between the bigotry and the racism...

I'm a history teacher. It's like meeting somebody from the old south.

Or the new south, actually.

Please don't leave me. Ok? Back me up on this.

Ok. I'm with ya.

How do I look?

You look beautiful.

Skinny?

Hospital skinny.

You know what? It doesn't matter anyway.

She will find something wrong with me. It's her job.

I wonder what color her hair's gonna be.

It doesn't matter. The carpet won't match the drapes.

Oh, honey! She got rid of the carpet years ago.

Oh, God!

Stop. Ok. All right.

I'm here! Hi, mom!

Hi, sweetheart. Give your mama a big hug.

Come here.

Watch my hair.

I got hair extensions. You like 'em?

Just like paula abdul.

That is one cute little rug merchant.

Come over here, Eddie,

You great big giant jew, and give me a hug!

Coming at you, ya sexy dego!

How are ya?

I'm good. Eddie, could you take this upstairs for me?

Yeah. Sure.

I have my jewelry in there, and my neck massager.

Look at you. Are you sick, honey?

What?

You look like you just get out of bed,

And you're all yellow.

What?

And you're bloated.

And what are these doing down there? Pick 'em up!

Mom!

Where would you like your bags?

Anywhere but under my eyes.

Just put 'em over there. Drop 'em.

You didn't take anything out of those bags, did you?

Or put anything in them?

Raj, hey!

Yeah, right. What happened to the u.P.S. Job?

It's very difficult nowadays for a brown man to deliver a package.

No kidding.

The question now is what can brown do to you?

Don't have worry about raj. He's one of our buddies.

Rrraj.

What did I say?

You said "raj."

It's rrrraj.

You know, I gotta be honest. I don't hear a difference.

Can I please just have my money?

Eddie, just pay the guy. And no tip.

Because I know what they do with their money.

They buy monkey bars for their cousins to train on.

May I say what a delight it has been to serve you?

And if you have need transportation in the future,

Please do not hesitate to call somebody else.

All right. Here you go. That should cover it.

Not even close. I'm taking this book.

Eddie, can you do me a favor, sweetheart?

Just go down my blouse and see if that's a mosquito bite

That's making me crazy or a boil.

Go ahead. You can poke it. Go ahead.

If that things gets any bigger,

You're gonna be ringing a bell in a tower.

He is so funny!

Yeah, he's a riot.

You know, the humor comes from persecution.

The jews are just like the blacks.

Both persecuted, and both high-larious.

Mom, we live in a different world now.

Those racist views are obsolete.

I mean, remember... we do have a black president.

Yeah, who is just like his mother.

There's a lot of cream in that coffee. That's all I'm saying.

Whitey, help me out here.

What do you got?

14 across.

14 across.

An annoying older woman.

That would be an "aunt."

A-u-n-t.

That's only 'cause you you don't know her.

I don't know what I was thinking here.

Yeah. That's not like you to miss that.

You've got a lot on your mind, huh?

You know, you're very... very intuitive.

You really...you just know my feelings.

That's what friends are for, my pal from another gal.

You know, I just turned in my manuscript,

And I'm supposed to meet with the publisher later this week.

I'm just a nervous wreck.

Stop worrying, you know? I know he's going to love it.

You're a brilliant man, and I'm sure it's a brilliant book.

Do you really think so?

Just don't tell duffy I was praising you

Because sometimes she can be a real aunt.

Touché.

Hey, Donnelly.

Hi, fellas.

Today was a great day in gym.

I had this fat kid halfway up the rope,

And then I took the mat away.

He's still up there. Ha ha!

It was great!

Sounds a little mean mean and sadistic.

And funny.

I get the feeling you're not terribly fond of these kids.

I'm not. And you know why?

'cause I used to be one of them.

So I know how rotten they are.

I got teased in gym class, too.

Because I was fat, and I was pretty.

Like all the donnelly men.

In fact, my dad was a dead ringer for shelley winters.

The "poseidon adventure" shelly winters?

Is there any other?

Listen. I gotta ask you guys a favor.

Joy's mom is in from out of town,

And I need you to come over for dinner

And be a little bit of a buffer.

I was thinking, like, Saturday night. Are you guys free?

Is the food free? Absolutely.

Then we're free. Fabulous.

Joy Joy?

I'm in here.

Honey?

Hi.

I was going to ask you how your day went with your mom,

But I think I know the answer.

According to her, I need my hair done,

And my calves done, and my boobs,

My butt, my nose,

My eyes, my lips.

And then she got critical!

I'm essentially a teardown.

Well, when you rebuild, can we put in a pool?

Honey, I'm kidding. Mwah!

Eddie...

I don't know if I can survive the next 2 days.

Honey, I've got good news for you.

I invited donnelly and whitey over for dinner.

And I figure with Doug and Ally, she'll be distracted.

And with a little luck, she won't even know you're there.

You know what? That's a good idea.

I mean, she likes attacking new people.

And you know, whitey's weird.

Ally's skinny.

Donnelly's irish.

And Doug is...

Doug.

That's good work, babe. Thanks.

Yeah? Sure. Sure.

So, ok. We gonna get out of bed now?

No. I'm tired,

And it's late.

Honey, it's only 4:30.

Yeah, well. I've eaten 6 meals and put away half a pint of gin.

I'm done for the day.

Hey, guys. There's a "matlock" marathon on channel 32.

Ooh, look at that flat-screen television.

Let's watch it in here. Come on. Move over, you handsome devil.

Ok. All right.

Oh, that's good.

Who has the clicker?

Give her the clicker. Ok.

Oh, that andy griffith is yummy.

I'd like to show him my mayberry.

Well, I finished your manuscript last night, Eddie,

And, I um...Loved it.

Miles, I really appreciate this.

I put my heart and soul into this book.

Please. I mean, it shows.

I mean, if I was a zeppelin scholar,

This would be my favorite book on earth.

That is... that is music to my ears. Thank you.

Well, I can go further.

If I was a dirigible aficionado,

You, my friend, have written the bible.

I'm speechless.

Yeah, I'm not.

Let me ask you a question, Eddie.

Exactly how many blimp aficionados

Do you think there are in the world?

Wow. I don't know. 100,000?

27.

And I got that number from our research department.

12 of them are blimp pilots,

And the rest of them are lunatics.