Everyone is Going to Die

You are not allowed to look away.

Okay?

You are the audience.

Let's start.

Daniel,

the air conditioning is now on.

Alright, I can take a hint.

Come on.

Be a doll, get up.

Join me?

If I had more time.

Why don't you stay downstairs?

Shame.

Oh, no.

-Shit. -Let me scrub it.

No, no, no. Quit stalling, come on!

I had a great night.

Come on.

So, I listened to your message.

Hilarious.

I'm not kidding.

Come on.

My hands are tied.

It's the signing of the fucking contract.

You have to be here.

It's ceremonial.

Money's already in the account.

You can handle it.

You are the ceremony.

You're the charmer.

They want to celebrate with you, not me.

My hands are tied.

Imogen's birthday?

I thought you said you were seeing her midweek.

She's been suspended from school.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I see.

What'd she do?

Who knows. Teenage shit.

And you choose this week of all weeks

to become a father.

What did you say?

I'm just...look, I'm stressed, alright?

Biggest deal of our life. You don't even show

for the handshake.

How very Daniel Crane.

In a week from now,

you'll be so rich, you won't care.

Now fuck off.

You owe me.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Bye.

Happy birthday, darling.

Eau de Malbec.

Mm-hmm...

Fuck you too, you cunt.

Oi!

Put those in your room, please.

I just sat down!

And you'll be sitting down all week.

Be a doll. Put them in your room.

There's a stain on your rug.

So, what do you want to do today, food-wise?

Let me guess. Italian?

I figured Italian.

What do you think?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Wear something nice.

Fuck off.

That's an interesting scent in your room.

Summer Sanctuary, if I'm not mistaken.

I wanted the place to smell nice for you today, like home.

Mm-hmm. Don't really smell it down here, though.

Alright, Imogen.

Nobody likes a wise ass.

Is she pretty?

That's enough.

I bet she's really pretty.

How old is she?

What, am I not allowed to have girlfriends?

Oh, so she's your girlfriend.

How long have you been dating?

Imogen...

No, tell me.

Is it love, do you think?

Are you gonna propose?

Should I call her 'mum'?

Shall we try something else?

Hm?

Oh, my God.

Don't like it?

It's a watch and a phone.

I have a watch.

-You do? -Yes.

And a phone.

But this is like... it's... it's the new one.

It's like mad tech.

Look, try it on.

No, I don't need a new one.

I like my old one, which isn't even that old.

I can't keep up.

I kept the receipt. Just... take it back.

Spend the money on whatever.

Clearly I messed up.

No, Dad, I'm...

Dad?

There's someone in the garden.

Imogen, stay here.

Can I help you?

Friend of yours?

You need to get out of my garden right now.

Do you hear me? I'll call the police.

You think I'm joking?

Imogen, go into the living room.

Dad...

Hello.

We're here for the party.

Excuse me?

The birthday party.

Oh, we just love birthday parties.

And look, we brought presents.

Imogen, come here now.

What, don't you wanna open it?

It's a surprise.

Get the fuck out my house.

Party pooper.

And what about you?

You wanna open your present, don't you?

Okay, so clearly the masks were a bad idea.

I thought they'd be fun.

We've gotten off on the wrong foot, haven't we?

We've been sent here to help celebrate your birthday.

Shall I open it for you?

Surprise.

Will you get that for her?

It's really cold outside.

What do you want?

We just wanna have some fun.

Oh, come on guys. Don't be so serious.

Door. Now.

What, was you born in a barn?

You didn't get too cold out there, did you?

Good.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The people are scared enough already.

She's crazy ugly.

Oh... sorry, how rude of me!

Three...

Two...

One...

Imogen.

Happy birthday to you.

Okay, stop now.

Why are you here?

We saw the balloons outside and we just love parties.

Please, just leave.

I know it seems weird,

with me standing here, holding a shotgun,

but we don't wanna harm you.

We just want Imogen to have

the most amazing birthday ever.

Is there cake?

This isn't funny.

Why don't we light the candles,

and then maybe we'll leave.

Get the fuck out of our house,

you psycho bitch.

Oh, come on, Imogen. Don't be like that.

I mean, life can be funny and life can be sad.

And we're here to help decide which.

So, why don't you go off into the other room

while I have a little chat with Dad.

No fucking way.

I'm not asking.

Wow!

She's intense.

She's scared to death.

What? And you're not?

There's no cake, is there?

It's your daughter's 16th birthday and

you didn't even get her a cake!

Well, have you got booze?

Yeah.

I bet you've got booze.

Bingo.

Oh, I see you're a spirits man.

Well, come on, then. Make us all a drink.

Chop chop.

Four glasses.

I'm gonna get that gun off you

and I'm gonna kick your teeth in.

There'll be plenty of time for that.

You're dead.

Well, we're all dead eventually.

That's showbiz.

Yeah?