Punchline

You're Lilah?

Arnold?

What's the password?

Romeo sent me.

He must like you.

Did he say that?

He sent you to me.

He knows I'm desperate.

You came to the right man.

So, how do we do it?

You have money?

I didn't know how much I should bring.

Five hundred.

Jesus.

They're 20 bucks a pop.

I can sell you a package of 25.

This is prime stuff, guaranteed fresh.

Could I see them?

No free samples.

Look, this is my cookie jar money.

I've got to see what I'm buying.

Never let it be said.

What does a Polish girl get that's

long and hard when she gets married?

Where's the punchline?

That's what you pay me for.

Speaking of marriage,

I'm married to a Polish man.

I don't know if you know Polish men,

but he gave me something long and hard

when we got married.

You know what?

Yeah, a last name.

Oh, you heard that one, huh?

I hate Wilma Flintstone.

I want to talk about it.

I think she's a fucking bitch.

I'm from right here in New York,

from a large family.

There's 10 kids in my family, man.

That's a lot of kids.

My father has stretch marks.

They're the punch of us.

I know you're all staring at me

thinking my God, look at this girl.

She looks so much like Diana Ross.

I can't get over it.

I'm going to do an impression

of Gandhi's mother.

Sweetheart, please, just a sandwich.

My wife bought alligator gloves.

I said "What are you gonna do

"with alligator gloves?"

She said "I'll put them on,

"I'll tell them I got a skin condition."

Have you tried Leech Off?

Leech Off? Yes.

Leech Off works naturally

with hydrochloric acid.

Just a few drops in each eye,

you can kiss those leeches goodbye.

We were making love the other night.

I felt he was holding back.

So I said, "Sweetheart,

"we've been married for 15 years.

"When we make love,

"I don't want you to hold back.

"I want you to do

"whatever you want to do."

So you know what he did?

He threw up.

The thing about being married

to a Polish man

you'd think that it would be

like being married to anyone else.

The first physical contact

I had with a woman

came very early in life.

I saw this girl dancing,

and I went up and bit her on the chest.

Slaughter, huh?

They're saving the whales.

They're saving the seals,

but nobody gives a shit

when they kill a baby polyester

just to make a goddamn...

Hollywood's newest concept for

a wax museum comes from an ear doctor

who treats the stars.

I don't want to argue with you.

Please, with the stereotypes.

Chinese people are excellent drivers.

Fine, a lot of Jewish people

pick up a check, fine.

A lot of Japanese tourists

have no photo equipment.

They have big dicks, fine.

Listen, you'll like this.

It works in my history class.

Okay, Nathan Hale

who said "I only have one life."

Listen, I can wait, I'm waiting.

I have all the time.

Asshole!

Excuse me, I'm Steven Gold.

Mr. Gold.

How nice of you to drop by.

Sorry I'm late.

You know, I was up studying all night.

That's all right.

Certainly seems to be paying off

for you, doesn't it?

Sir?

On the written portion you got a 98.

It's the highest grade in the class.

I did?

Yes, that's quite an accomplishment

for a student who's been

on academic probation

for the last half year.

Thank you.

I'd call it incredible.

Wouldn't you?

Trace the path of digestion, Gold.

Label everything along the way.

Was this on the prep sheet?

No, but for a man who scored 98

on the written test

this should be no problem.

Labels please.

If I could just say

a word about labels

I think that to truly function

in today's society

a doctor has to have an understanding

of the human being as a whole.

Do you not agree?

Oh, I would, uh-hmm.

So I could stand here,

and I could name things.

I could name the hard palate,

and soft palate, the pharynx,

the epiglottis, the oesophagus,

the stomach, the spleen,

but that doesn't really begin to

touch on the fact that

the gastro-intestinal system,

which is your specialty,

Doctor Wishniak, indeed, the field that

I hope to go into

is really responsible

for keeping the whole human being alive.

The heart, the lungs,

everything pales by comparison

because man

is motivated

in everything he does by hunger.

Popular belief has it that

man is motivated by sex, Mr. Gold.

Let me tell you something.

You show a starving man

a beautiful woman and a pizza.

What do you think he's going to choose?

Make it an ugly woman and a pizza.

Name the parts, Gold.

If you can't get 100 percent,

you're not the man who took that test,

and if you sent someone else in

to take it for you, you're out!

Splenic flexure of

the transverse colon.

Greater omentum.

Vermiform appendix.

The intestine.

What part of the intestine?

The large intestine.

What part of the large intestine?

Well, look...

Do you know it or not?

Yes, of course I do.

Then what is it?

The poop chute.

I call it the poop chute

because I don't believe

in shrouding our organs

in a bunch of mysterious names.

This is why people are

afraid of doctors.

We're washing you out, Gold.

Dr. Wishniak, please.

I've been under something

of a time problem this semester.

I've been working nights.

Can I be frank with you?

There are people with real talent,

and dedication waiting for

a spot in this school.

Now one of them is gonna have yours

because it serves no purpose to

let someone like you become