Attenberg

- Oh, this is so bad. - (SIRENS BLARING)

Amy, this fire is amazing.

I cannot believe she did this. It was definitely Amy who did this.

_

Okay. Thank you guys so much for being here.

I know it's a bummer to give up part of your Saturday,

but the university now mandates conflict resolution training.

Okay? Now, with that in mind,

I think today is going to be very productive,

and I think it's gonna be a great way for us to bond as an RA group.

Uh, how late is this gonna go?

'Cause I'm supposed to be at a party at Rooster's house.

Oh, hold the phone! Whoa, wait.

The annual Cock Jamboree is tonight?

- Yup. - No...

(CHANTING) Glug! Glug! Glug!

Hey, Olivia, Doug.

Hey, I really think we should reschedule

because Cock Jam is the holy grail of chicken-themed parties.

Take a second.

Conflict resolution is one of the most important things we do as RAs.

We're taking people from different walks of life,

- and we're thrusting them into this new... - (AMY LAUGHING)

Because of thrusting, really?

No. You said, "Taking people," like aliens do.

You're like an alien.

Anyways,

the university has hired a wonderful consultant

to help guide us through today's training.

Her name is Constance Renfro.

She's an expert in the field of employee training

with a specialty in conflict resolution.

She has a BA from God's Glory University

and she has a major in theater and religious-based improv.

Okay. Constance, everyone.

Hi!

Thank you, Constance.

Oh, thank you so much, Olivia.

Okay, blessings, everyone.

I'm Constance. I am from Hodgdon, Maine.

And I have one question for you.

Who wants to win a pizza party?

- Oh! - Oh, great!

Because whichever dorm scores the highest on their evaluation,

at the end of the program today, will win a free pizza party!

Yeah!

Maximum eight pizzas, one topping each.

How cool is that, huh?

Uh, the cafeteria already has a pizza section.

I eat, like, nine pizzas a day.

Yeah, to piggy back off that, I work at a pizza place right now.

You'd be surprised what they put in the sauce.

- Oh? - I wouldn't be surprised.

How about a Band-Aid?

- Mmm. - Battery?

Cat tooth?

Hey! Can we please give Constance our undivided attention?

I'm sure she has a lot to teach us about conflict resolution.

You can say that again. (CHUCKLING)

Okay, now first, who here has encountered...

Um...

Oh, my God. (BURPS)

Oh! Oh.

I'm so sorry. (CHUCKLES) Um...

Oh, you know what, to be candid,

I actually grabbed a little bite to eat at, um, um,

a Mexican restaurant near here

and to tell you the truth, I am not feeling 100 percent.

Oh, Dr. Taco?

I work there right now too.

- Tell me you didn't get the carnitas? - Ooh...

The carnitas aren't good.

Um, well what happens if I tell you that I did?

- Oh, boy! - Ooh.

Well, this is going to be a very short meeting.

Oh. (SIGHS)

Um, you know, I think, I'm gonna just...

I'll be right back.

- Oh, boy. - Through the door.

- She's gonna blow... - And then... Oh.

She's going down the stairs.

Look at her go.

Okay.

Feeling better. (LAUGHS)

Admittedly. Thank you. Not as much better as I was hoping,

but, you know what, I'm going to power through this.

Okay, who loves riddles?

- I live to riddle. - Oh, great! Me too!

And I've got one that is going to teach us a lot about helping people get along.

Okay, on one side of a river bank,

we have our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,

Pontius Pilate, and a burlap sack

filled with manna from heaven.

And your job is to get each one across

to the other side of the river using a small canoe.

It's easy, right? Right? Right?

Not so fast.

Because you can only fit two of them in the canoe at a time.

Now, you can't leave Jesus with Pilate because, you know, well, duh! (CHUCKLES)

And you can't leave Pilate with the manna

because he is a fat, evil, greedy pagan who is gonna take it all for himself.

Oh, okay, I see. This is the famous logic puzzle

about the fox and the chicken and the bag of grain.

Actually, it's not because this is about Jesus.

Okay, I got it. All right, check it out.

So, you put Jesus in the canoe, right?

And then he tells Pilate not to touch the manya

or else God will strike his ass down,

and then, you put Pilate in the canoe and then the manya in the canoe

and then you're good to go.

- Wait, I think it's "manna." She said "manna." - Manna.

Well, we like to say that there are no wrong answers,

but that is the wrong answer because

Jesus is love.

And he would never tell God to strike down Pilate, he would forgive Pilate.

As it says in Luke 6:37,

"Judge not and you will not be judged."

"Condemn not and you will not be condemned."

"Forgive and you shall be forgiven."

So you're wrong.

Well, if Jesus forgave Pilate, then why can't they just share the canoe?

What if you take the manna over, then the Pilate,

and then Jesus can walk over because he can walk on water?

- Water! - Oh, you got it!

Okay. No, no, no, no.

You're just failing because you're not even trying.

Oh, maybe we should put it in terms of the chicken and...

Okay, there's no chicken in this!

- There is no... - (STOMACH RUMBLING)

I'm sorry.

My stomach is really going through something here.

I shouldn't be taking it out on you kind people

because you didn't make me eat that carnitas, right?

Maybe the devil made you do it.

- (SIGHS) Okay, I got it.

Take Jesus over, return for Pilate,

take Pilate over,

but bring Jesus back with you, drop off Jesus,

take Monet, take him over, go back,

and get Jesus.

You know what, that's actually amazing

because that's like the fastest anyone has ever...

Wait. I'm sorry. Were you reading off of your phone?

All right. That's it. Confiscating phones. Let's go.

All right. This is ridiculous. Can I just go now?

No! You can't. Because we're going to get the best evaluation,

we're going to win that pizza party

and Dean Berber is going to know that

- we're running the best dorm on campus. - (CAMERA CLICKS)

I don't care.

The Cock Jamboree is the best party of the year, right, Doug?

(CHANTING) Hatch! Hatch! Hatch!

It is an insane party, okay.

So, two years ago, this guy fell off the balcony, landed on a Fiat,

walked away like nothing happened.

Got up, boom! Just kept going.

It was the coolest thing I've ever done.

- Wait. You're the kid in that story? - I'm the guy.

Hey, Doug?

Can we talk outside?

Yeah. I'll tell you how I did it.

Doug, as the oldest RA in the world,

the rest of the staff looks up to you whether we like it or not.

Oh. Love it! (CHUCKLES)

Can you please help us bond this team

so that we're the best RAs that we can be?

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, but it has to happen naturally. You cannot force it.

- I can force it. - No, you can't force it.

See, people need to be in a situation where they bond without realizing it.

Okay, I understand that.

But do you think, just for today, that you can help get us through this?

Please?

Yeah.

Thank you.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hey, it's... Ugh! These stupid computer-controlled doors.

- I swear... Oh, there we go.

And the residents are going to be okay while we're doing this, right?

Oh, yeah.

Whoa! Oh, uh, okay!

- This is my room. - No.

And, ew! You smell like melon and vomit.

This... this is my room.

- No! - This is my room.

Okay, he's drunk. I'm gonna call Sam.

Should I call Sam? I mean, this is a legitimate reason to call him,

but I don't want it to seem like I'm calling him just to call him, you know?

Like, I want to call him.

(YELLING) Call him! - I'm calling him.

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) - _

Now, we are going to do some role playing scenarios

and these are called "Behind Closed Doors"

'cause, uh, they're potential situations that you would encounter.

All right? So what about walking in on a resident smoking drugs.

- Mmm. - Okay, perfect, so...

We will have Sam as the RA and, uh, Tyler as the one smoking drugs.

Whoo!

Thanks, Doug. Thanks for the encouragement.

- You okay? - Uh, yeah, I'm great. Why?

You're sweating everywhere.