Glee

So here's what you missed on Glee:

Rachel's got the lead in Funny Girl on Broadway,

and Santana doesn't know what she wants to do.

Bad Yeast goes scat with Yeast-i-stat.

The New Directions! are getting ready for college...

Artie's going to film school in Brooklyn

and Blaine auditioned for NYADA.

Kurt formed a band, but he's afraid Starchild's

trying to steal the spotlight.

Which is easy when you dress like

a glam rock Ebenezer Scrooge.

Thank you for your time, Starchild,

but it's not a good fit.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

¿Perdón? Perdón?

Señorita.

Esos huevos no esta caliente.

Excuse me?

Oh, you speak English.

I thought you were Mexican.

- I'm from Ohio. - Well, I didn't know

there were Mexicans in Ohio.

Okay. These eggs are cold. I need new ones.

There's steam coming off of them.

I happen to know that eggs carry salmonella

and I like them cooked extra hot

to kill any parasites.

Rápido, por favor.

Okay, I was certain that you were going to go

Lima Heights Adjacent and just throw those eggs

on that lady's face just now.

No.

I need this job.

I'm saving up to buy a noose

to hang myself with.

Hey.

Wait, what's going on? Talk to me.

It's not what I expected, you know? I'm awesome.

I thought I'd come here and everyone would see that, too.

Wait, what do you mean? You got a national commercial

within like a month of being here.

Yes, and now everywhere I go, I am known as the girl

with the raging yeast infection.

The other day some customers made me take their toast back

because looking at me made them lose their appetite

for any bread products.

I'm sorry I'm complaining. I'm fine.

No, you're not. Look, it's okay to complain to me,

It means we're friends.

I just have this weird guilt trip thing about being friends with you,

because I was so awful to you in high school.

Quinn and Brit hated you, too, and that's mostly

just because you sucked so bad and you walked with that weird

"feet pointing out" thing.

I made Quinn look like the boss,

but I was really running the "Hate on Rachel" parade.

It's fine, okay?

I forgive you, and you just have to forgive yourself.

High school's over and it's just me, you and Kurt here now.

Yes, and out of all three of us, I am crapping

the bed the hardest.

I may be on top right now, but one day it'll be you.

You know, what you need right now is some good old pampering.

Oh, are you treating at the Korean spa? Better.

I'm gonna be on the cover of New York magazine.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's awesome.

I'm totally pretending not to be jealous.

No, I'm just kidding, that's really cool.

Well, it's just something that the publicist for the show

set up to, like, introduce me to the world and I just,

I feel like this is my moment where I've really arrived.

I'm really, really happy for you.

But what does this have to do with me being pampered?

Okay, so there's gonna be models at the shoot and I think

I have enough juice to ask if you can be one of them.

And you can get, like, get your hair done and your nails

and your makeup and there's all these free clothes. Are you in?

- Hells yes, I'm in. - Yay.

Right after I spit...

in these eggs.

Heisten.

I really hope that I can be as cool as you

when the roles are reversed.

You're a really good friend.

I'm really proud of us.

- Why's that? - 'Cause even after you and I

broke up, we were able to stay friends

and continue our tradition of Tuesday lunch together.

It's also a good way to avoid the cafeteria on Taco Tuesdays

when they use Grade "D" prison meat that can legally contain

up to 5% insect larvae.

Still.

I'm gonna miss this next year when you're at Brown

and I'm at film school in Brooklyn.

I got wait-listed at Brown.

Oh, you'll get in. You know how many students

make it off the wait list?

Two percent.

The only other schools I applied to were Ohio State

and that dumb vet school.

I really wanted to get out of this place, you know?

Expand my horizons.

I don't think that's in the cards for me now.

Well, listen.

We have, what, a couple more Tuesdays at McKinley?

Let's make them count.

From now until graduation,

Tuesday lunch is about music that'll cheer you up

because the only thing you'll be doing next year

is knitting scarves for those chilly Ivy League winters.

That's a really flimsy segue, Artie.

Ugh!

Close the door when you sing crap like that.

Hey, Becky, can we help you with something?

Yeah, quit staring at my boobs.

Tina, Artie... Principal Sylvester

wants to see you in her office.

Stumbles.

Tina Warrior Princess.

Graduation is fast approaching

and it is time to award the title

of Senior class valedictorian.

Now, as you are, respectively, a loner Asian

who has trouble making friends

and a nasal, Muppety disabled kid

in a wheelchair, it should come as no surprise

to you both that you're at the head of your class.

In fact...

you're tied for number one.

Tied? How is that possible?

Identical GPAs,

extracurriculars,

and you both have perfect attendance.

Now, unlike some members of the Glee Club who come and go

for months at a time with no explanation,

you two losers are always in that choir room.

Even if, for an entire week, the only thing you have to do

is say something inconsequential, like,

"Kitty's right,"

or "Blaine, are you serious?"

Wait, we can't both be valedictorian.

Not in my world.

And that is why we're going to settle this

with a friendly little competition.

As you know, the valedictorian

gives the speech at graduation.

At the end of this week,

you will both deliver your speeches

to a blue ribbon panel of idiots of my choosing.

Whoever wins...

will be crowned valedictorian.

That sound fair?

No, actually, it doesn't.

Life isn't fair, Abrams.

Good, then it's settled.

Oh, and, uh, let this stand as a warning to you both.

If during one of your speeches,

you decide to abandon your prepared text

in favor of a musical number, because the emotions

you're feeling are just so complex

they can only be expressed in song,

I promise you I will dedicate my life to making sure

that every beverage you drink, until the day you die,

will have a just a...

tiny, little bit of my pee in it.

Oh, my God, can you believe all the amazing dresses

that they pulled for this shoot?

And all these girls are like the new up-and-comers

from Juilliard and Harvard and Yale. Mm-hmm.

Okay, that girl over there... look, but don't really look... Oh.

She just got the lead on AMC's new show

about Victorian prostitutes.

I'm so nervous, but I'm nervous because I'm excited

or because I'm scared, this is so amazing. Berry, Berry.

You look amazing. Okay.

Own it. All right.

You are exactly where you're supposed to be.

- Thank you. - Okay, good luck.

Okay, here I go.

- Tell me if I look good. - Okay.