All You Need is Crime (Non ci resta che il crimine)

ALL YOU NEED IS CRIME

Here they are, the lowlifes.

- Selfie? - Selfie? What?

- Okay, a quick one. - Ok.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

You're welcome, have a good day.

Boys, this is no good. We're off to a terrible start.

It says here 10 o'clock. I've been waiting here two hours.

It was chaos on the roads.

I think you'll find that you're the one creating chaos.

Come on now, let's get the stand set up.

Look how you've spelt "tour".

Here you go. This is for you.

Join us, gentlemen, as we take you on a journey

through the city of Rome and its history of organised crime.

A symbolic tour

of robberies, kidnappings, killings committed by the Magliana Gang.

For you, for you.

I'm telling you, this is so embarrassing.

But we're "making money by the shovelful."

"Pijamose Roma." What does that mean?

"Let's take Rome." It's a catchphrase, advertising.

- A slogan? - Forget about it. Here, madam.

- Watch out, you're getting fined. - Look.

No!

I'm hardly running Colosseum tours! There I'd need a permit.

Can I see that gun, please?

- Let's go. - Oh.

This? This is a fake, look.

See? "Made in China."

Want me to show you?

I can shoot myself in the leg, in the stomach, in the head.

Come on.

I'll turn a blind eye to the gun, even though you shouldn't have it.

- What? - You shouldn't have it.

But you're running unlicensed tours,

illegally occupying public space and your car is in a no-parking spot.

What's the damage? 1054.32 euros, right?

Precisely.

And I don't even want to know what you have in that bag.

Oh, this?

These are very strong laxatives for my wife.

She has chronic constipation.

And this is very banal, an electronic cigarette.

I recently quit smoking.

- Here's your fine. - A fine.

- Have a nice day. - The fine.

- Same to you. - For me?

The fine.

You were supposed to get a permit.

Did the Gang ask for permits when it took Rome?

Anyway, I'm taking this off, I'm sweating.

Giuseppe, I forgot you were so ugly.

- You really are. - Says you?

Hey, would 1000 euros be enough to pay your fine?

- Who's that? - No idea. Who is it?

- It's Gianfranco Richetti. - Is it?

- It's the Sucker! - Don't call me that.

Irina, Markéta, come here.

- This is Moreno, Sebastiano... - Sebastiano.

- And Giuseppe. - Hello.

We were always together at school, I thought we were friends.

But they were just using me

to copy from me in lessons, to steal my ball...

That was him!

When I realised, I went my own way

and they stayed as they are now, poor blokes.

How dare you?

Calm down, they're Belarusian, they can't understand.

Do you really have three nipples?

"Da, da." Hear that?

- Get it? - Very funny.

- Good one. - What a bright idea I had.

Big Data.

I founded a start up

and sold it to Apple for 35 million dollars.

- Wow, 35 million dollars. - Come on.

Ladies, if it's ok with you

I'd like to take a tour with my three failure friends.

- Bye, bye. - Hasta luego chicas.

I've given you the money. You have to take me on this tour.

This is Via del Pellegrino where, on 2nd February 1990,

Renatino, the boss of all bosses, new leader of the Magliana Gang,

was stopped by two assassins on a motorbike.

He was on his scooter right here, outside number 65

and they shot him.

Moreno's good, isn't he?

Always obsessed with this Magliana crap.

- How is it crap? - Oh, come on.

What was it did back in school? Think fast!

Can you please quit messing around?

I have palpitations.

- And here we are. - Why are we here, Sebastiano?

- Why? - I don't know.

- This is the Sant'Apollinare church. - Yeah.

- The boss was buried here. - I remember.

- The boss, Giuseppucci. - Giuseppucci? No, Renatino.

What's in there, other than Renatino's remains?

"The Gang hid its treasure inside"

"until the sting on 12 July 1980, when they were all arrested."

And who tipped them off?

I'll tell you right away.

- The Worm. - The Worm.

- Of course, if you'd... - You're a moron.

Look, Gianfranco. Let's combine our intelligence.

Invent something! Import, export...

Exports... What will we export?

Olives! Roman stuffed olives. To Qatar.

With the money you stole?

You... Perhaps you don't remember.

When we were little

and you were jerking off to mail-order catalogues,

I was putting money aside to buy a Commodore 64.

I remember, it cost 970,000 lira.

And you stole that money from me.

Now, the 1980s' most famous club.

- Good, I can tell you studied. - Thanks.

What do you mean studied? He's reading it.

Well, he's doing a good job reading.

Unlike Sebastiano, whose reading is awful.

Alright.

It's said that the Gang laundered tons of money here,

drinking rivers of champagne and snorting dunes of cocaine.

Imagine!

- What did you say? - I said, "mozzarella di bufala".

We'll open a huge dairy in Cape Town, what do you think?

We'll sell contaminated mozzarella from Caserta.

Like the Gang used to say, we'll make money by the shovelful.

By the shovelful, very good.

This was the Gang's HQ.

Now it belongs to the Chinese, of course.

- Is there much left? - Ah, so you want more!

There's the bank, the bookies'...

What do you think? Coffee break?

My treat, seeing as you're all poor.

Thank you.

- When did he get like that? - I've always hated him.

Sorry, was it not always our fault?

- Four coffees, please. - Coming up.

Do you really think this tour can make you money?

Why not? Why wouldn't it?

I think it's a great idea, fresh, new, for the tourists.

I'm amazed. How has a business genius like you

not invested in this start up yet?

- Why don't you fund it? - Because it's a load of crap.

And who else is going to give you pity money like this?

I'm just going to the bathroom. Excuse me, are they down there?

- Yeah, down there. - Thanks. Be right back.

I'm going to wash my hands, too.

- The toilette. - Yes.

We're leaving through the back door.

- I love coffee. - I can't.

- Let's go. - Giuseppe, you were different.

Those two buffoons changed you.

I know, Gianfranco, you're right.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm just...

Weak. A chicken. The classic coward.

And in my opinion, you...

Giuseppe, where are you going?

Come on, we've lost the fat lump!

- What's in here? - Where are you?

We have a tour to finish.

- Look for a way out. - There's a window.

- Look. - What is it?

- Neon lights... bar? - Strip club?

Come on, let's try it.

Ouch! You stood on my foot. The shoes were enough pain as it was.

- Quiet or I'll thump you. - You're too jumpy.

- He's right, you're too jumpy. - Peppino, get lost.

- Go, the Sucker's coming! - Are you in?

Go or he'll catch us.

Go, in there.

Go.

Don't push me.

Where the hell...

Hey, come here.

It's pitch black.

- Are you there? Hey! - What is it?

- A door! - Go!

- Go through it! - Go, go in!

- Close it! - We've lost him.

- Close the doors! - Who cares?

He's handed it to me.

Can't you see it?

Hey!

Excuse me, hello.

Long live Italy!

Italy! Italy!

- Was there an Italy game on? - No.

Excuse me. Was there a friendly on?

A friendly? It's the World Cup!

We just beat Argentina.

The World Cup? We didn't even qualify this year.

Bruno Conti!

Bruno Conti? What are you on about?

Bruno Conti!

Is this a joke? Get lost.

- On your bike. - Hey!

- Look, there's no signal here. - Was there something in that coffee?

Either they slipped us LSD...