Diary of an Uber Driver

- (HORNS HONK) Come on!

You're very ugly. Did you know that?

Um...

... that's not good news.

Extremely.

OK.

Um, is it...

Is it my pores?

Well, you already know that they're a part of the problem.

- They're too big. - Yeah.

You could carry water to the village in those pores.

Oh, well, that's upsetting.

Oh, no good?

- Your, uh... - My what?

- Oh-oh. - Ears.

They're too small. How do you hear stuff?

- I honestly... I don't know. - You should return them.

- To the small ear store? - That's what I'm thinking, yeah.

- Don't blame your parents, though. - Oh, yeah. For what?

Well, I don't think you can test for annoying thin lips in the womb.

Wow.

Yeah. I guess I am lucky to be here.

We learn from their mistakes.

Yeah. You're quite articulate, but it...

- ... but it's undone by your voice. - A little shrill?

My aunt and uncle owned a dairy farm when I was a kid

and, uh, whenever they'd take the baby cows away,

the mothers would make this horrible screaming guttural noise

for days and days.

My voice is like grieving cows?

Oh, no. No. No. Sorry. No.

I was just thinking that to make myself feel better

after hearing you.

- Oh, my mistake. - It's OK.

I guess it wouldn't matter that you were ugly

if you had a good personality, but unfortunately...

- Terrible. - Off-putting is how I'd describe it.

- Well, I could change. - Can you?

Actually, I might just get out here. I need a coffee.

Alright, yeah, I can...

Yeah. Just a tick. I'll pull up to the side.

Thanks, mate.

Yeah. Don't forget to give me five...

- (DOOR SHUTS) - ... stars.

- Fuck you, Uber! - Whoa!

Thanks! Thanks for that, mate.

What is that, a kebab? That's a pretty weird breakfast food!

Kind of wasteful too, actually!

So, the environment, mate... Oh, good on ya.

Yep.

Hey, Beck.

Uh, just checking if you need a ride home from work tonight

- or anything else. - (DOOR OPENS)

- Uh, happy to drop by whenever. - Yeah. Yeah.

Whatever I can do, you know. Anyway, give me a call or a text.

No, that's... that's exactly what I said.

Sorry. Jodie?

No, I know.

- Uh, off to Glebe? - Oh, no, that's exactly right. Yeah.

No, I know. This is ridiculous.

OK, to Glebe it is.

We were driving to Jervis Bay

and, you know, neither of us are talking, as usual,

and we'd just got past Berry and it was pitch black.

And all of a sudden Martin started screaming

and he almost swerved off the road, right?

Anyway, I'm sitting there completely shell-shocked

and he says, "I think we've hit something."

So we stop the car and get out

and there's this poor little possum

wriggling around on the side of the road.

And it's bleeding and it's not dead

and I started crying and Martin, he couldn't even look at it.

(ON PHONE) Oh, God. Did you put it out of its misery?

Well, that's what I said to Martin.

I said, "We're going to have to put it out of its misery."

So he goes round to the boot and he comes back with this kind of...

I don't even know what it was, actually.

It was this metal bar thing and, you know, I thought,

"There is no way that he's going to be able to kill an animal,"

- you know, Martin. - Yeah, I know.

Anyway, all of a sudden, throws his arm in the air

and he just starts pummelling this thing in the head.

No.

And honestly, Kate, I lost count of how many times he hit it.

The blood going everywhere.

I'm standing there, crying, completely useless,

and he's swinging and swinging and it felt like it went on forever.

But it was probably actually only, you know, a moment.

Anyway, even after all of this,

the possum is still twitching in the dirt.

Oh, yeah. Because of the nerves.

Well, yes, that's what Martin said: the nerves.

Anyway, he finally kicked it under some leaves on the side of the road

and we got back in the car, and I'm... I'm looking at him

and he's... you know, he's breathing very heavily

and he's wiping sweat from his brow

and, Kate, I don't know what it was about the whole thing,

but seeing him like that,

I just... all of the blood in my body just went whoosh between my legs.

- Oh, dear. - I know.

And I... I said, "Martin," and he looks at me.

And I just took my hand and I unzipped his shorts

and I just started masturbating him.

No.

And I thought he was gonna stop me, because Christ knows

when was the last time we were intimate, but he doesn't stop me.

He just looks at me.

So I say, "Martin,

would you like to take your T-shirt off?"

And he just shakes his head and I find this incredibly erotic

because he sometimes... he's a bit funny

about getting muck on his tops.

Right.

And all the while I am just...

... you know, I'm having these sort of flashes of him

swinging this metal bar thing

and honestly, Kate, I know should have been completely disgusted,

but...

- It was the initiative. - Well, that's it.

It was the initiative, thank you.

It was watching him take that initiative.

So I just kept, you know, I just kept stroking him

and he's making these... these noises and he's moaning

and sort of pulling his shorts further down

and he's kind of lifting his...

... his body off the seat and angling it towards me

but... and...

... it was so animalistic, that I just...

I knew exactly what he wanted

and I said to him, "Martin, do you want me to play with your bottom?"

Oh... my.

Anyway, poor thing, it must have been too much for him

because just hearing me ask that question,

he orgasmed all over and...

And, anyway, after he wiped off,

we just continued on to dinner with, um, Ian and Vicky.

But honestly, Kate, it's this whole new dynamic between us.

Like, he is sensitive, you know, he is listening, he's...

We've never been happier.

I was really dreading it, but it was actually...

... it was a really nice night in the end.

Vicky's started her glass-making.

Oh, I know.

Jesus Christ!

Just...

Come on!

Hey, it's Beck.

Leave me a message and I'll get back to you.

Just to Condell Park, bro.

No worries, bro.

Had a good day so far, Mohammed?

Call me Mo.

Yeah. I think this would probably be one of the best days of my life.

Can't believe I just finished my first job interview,

at the age of 25.

- I mean, how messed up is that? - Oh, no way.

That's not messed up. Sounds like it went well.

I killed it.

Honestly, man, like, every question, I studied my arse off, so...

That's awesome. Congratulations, man.

Yeah, the only problem is, uh, I kinda need a reference, eh?

Oh, yeah. It's crazy, eh?

They always want, like, three professional referees,

two personals and your dog.

Hey, man, can I tell you something in confidence?

Yeah, man. Anything.

Well, since I was 16,

I've kind of been a...

... a salesman of...

... a different kind.

And, um, I wanna change that.

I don't feel good making money like that, so...

And, look, not to make excuses, but, like, where I came up,

you kinda had to do stuff or you'd get your arse kicked.

A lot of my mates are in jail, so this job is...

... it's kind of like a... you know, a fresh start for me.

Oh, right.

That's, like, inspiring, bro.

So who'd you put down as a reference?

Greg Davies.

Oh, yeah. And who's Greg Davies?

Well, Greg Davies...

... is whoever answers this.

Oh, OK.

Yeah. I got, like, 10 of them at home.

Right. You gave him a, uh... a burner.

Yeah, a burner.

So, uh, how'd you get started with Uber, anyway?

Uh, well, some things changed for me.

Um...

Like, it's him.

- OK, you gotta answer, right? Yeah. - What?

- I got no one else. - Oh, no...

- Come on, man. - No, no, no. I...

You don't want me to do that.