Pete versus Life

This week on Pete Versus Life, the semi-professional sports writer

faces a deadly combination of youth and experience.

There's self-made millionaire Barry.

He does a lot of work for charity,

but he won't allow unions in the workplace.

Long-standing adversary Anna...

as a child she sacked her imaginary friend,

because she was underperforming.

And Mum and Dad - they once met Neil Diamond after a concert,

but found him dull and uninteresting.

Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.

Welcome. I'm Colin King.

And I'm Terry McIlroy.

You join us with Pete about to watch the big game...

flat-screen TV, big sofa, free quality lager.

It's the dream scenario, Terry.

Well, it would be if Anna wasn't there, but then it is her flat.

But she's making an effort to join in with the lads.

Let's see if she can keep it up.

Bunny, can you get Pete a coaster, please?

'Oh! No, she can't.'

Sorry, Anna.

By the way,

you haven't got any crisps, have you?

No, but the radishes are delicious dipped in a bit of natural yoghurt.

No, you're all right, thanks.

'Yes, they're not the sort of snacks a young lad wants when he's watching the footie,

'but then they are more for Anna's dad's benefit.

'Two months ago, Barry underwent a heart transplant

'and has been advised only to eat zero-fat foods

'and drink prescribed energy drinks.'

What's with all the denim?

Oh, it's all I had clean.

Interesting fact about denim.

The cloth originally comes from a French town called Nim.

So you get denim... of Nim.

Really? Yeah. De Nim, you see, denim.

Actually, Barry, I think it's from Nimes.

What?

I think it's from a town called Nimes.

It's down in the south somewhere.

I don't think so, Pete. I mean, then you'd get de nimes, wouldn't you?

No, I'm not sure there is a Nim.

Pete, here's that coaster you were after.

Blimey, the standard of education these days!

I'm an employer - this is what I have to put up with.

Oh, it's half-time. I'm off to the loo.

Nimes... bloody hell!

'Well, the game over, and as we can see from the sulk-o-meter,

'Pete's still quietly fuming about that de Nim incident.

'In fact, he's withdrawn into his iPhone.

'Isn't technology marvellous, Terry?'

Do you know, Colin, if someone had told me when I was a lad

that one day we'd all have phones with talking cats on,

I'd have said he was mental and called the funny farm.

Indeed, although mental illness... not something to be made light of.

Oh, no, exactly.

So her visa's run out. It's the only way she can stay in the country.

Yeah, whatever, fine.

Really? That's great, Bruce. She'll be over the moon.

Sorry? Who'll be over the moon?

Minikin. She'll be a UK citizen at last, what she's always wanted.

What? Hang on a sec...

Can't wait to tell her someone's agreed to marry her.

What?! You gotta be kidding. I'm not marrying anyone.

But you just said. It won't be for real - it's a marriage of convenience.

No, I'm sorry, Kurt.

Forget it.

Look at this, it's a talking cat.

It's a talking cat.

Go on, have a little go.

Go on, have a little go.

I'll tell you what, since I've had this heart transplant,

I've had some really weird things happen.

I get a really strong sense of deja vu and I like different things now,

like Schubert or spare ribs.

So what do you think's going on?

Well, I was looking it up on the internet. Apparently, it's quite common.

The thinking is that the new heart brings with it some of the memories of the donor.

That's amazing. So how would that work, then?

Well, in the past,

the heart was considered to be the receptacle of the emotions.

Maybe there's something in that.

Yeah, but now we know it's not, don't we? It all comes from the brain.

Yeah, but how do you know that? Who told you that?

Well, doctors and scientists.

Doctors and scientists don't know everything, do they?

I mean, do you know how electricity works? I certainly don't.

There's a whole world of things out there we don't understand.

Yeah, but they do know quite a lot, don't they?

And in all fairness, it was a doctor who put your heart in, not a druid.

Oh, I see. You're one of those. One of what?

Closed off, narrow-minded, can't see the big picture.

Well, that is one way of looking at it, and the other one is that

you're on very heavy medication, and it's affecting your thinking.

Listen, son, when you've discovered the mysteries of the universe,

give me a call. Till then, button it.

Calm down, Daddy. It's annoying, isn't it?

You get muppets like this with no spirituality giving it all that.

No, I'm just saying there might be other reasons for it.

Oh, I'm imagining it now, am I? Don't tell me I'm imagining it, because I'm not!

Who would like a cup of coffee?

I'm not saying you're imagining it - I'm just saying you're pumped full of drugs,

and they probably stopped the blood supply to your brain for a good five minutes.

You're not the best person to judge.

Oi! You got a glass of water, love?

Do you know what? There might be something in what you're saying, actually.

Oh, it's hot. Shall we just talk about something else?

That second goal was a bit iffy, wasn't it?

Argh! Oh!

Somebody call an ambulance! I'll do it.

Bollocks, I can't get the cat off!

Bollocks, I can't get the cat off!

Well, a truly appalling incident last night.

He's been going over it in his head and whichever way he cuts it, Colin,

he's a terrible, terrible person.

Kurt? What are you doing?

Just doing my isometric exercises. What's that?

Using my body's own strength to strengthen it further.

It's like my body...

is its own gym.

Oh, right, nice one. Listen, you know that whole marriage thing.

If that girl still wants someone to marry her, I'll do it.

Oh, Pete, that's fantastic.

All right, it's OK.

Men do not embrace enough, you know?

Absolutely extraordinary.

Aye. Normally, Pete wouldn't give him the skin off his rice pudding.

Stop it now.

And last night's events with Barry

also triggering this guilt-ridden visit to his parents.

And this is in stark contrast

to his usual reasons for dropping by.

He's seen that life can be fleeting

and is keen to improve his relationship with his own mum and dad.

Pete, what are you doing here?

I just thought I'd pop by and see if you fancied popping out for a bit of lunch.

Are you on drugs? What?

You can tell us if you are. We saw a documentary on crystal meth.

Never had crystal meth.

A-ha, so you have had... I've never had any drugs.

- Not strictly true, is it? - No indeed, Colin.

If we take a look at the latest government figures, we can see that Pete,

with his occasional recreational

use of every two to three months,

is exactly where he should be for a lad of his age.

So well done, Pete.

And he's taken his parents to lunch at Zorba's, a Greek restaurant,

as the name suggests, but interestingly, owned and run by Norwegians.

See? I mean, this is brilliant! I had no idea that my great-grandfather

was run over by the first tractor in the Northwest.

I think I've already told you that about half a dozen times.

Anyway, I'm just going to the... toilet.

So nice to see you.

Well, we should be closer, you know.

I mean, who knows how long you two have got left?

I mean, not you. Dad's more likely to snuff it first, isn't he?

Well, hopefully, we've both got a few years yet.

Yeah, definitely.

Well, Pete's certainly making an effort

to improve his relationship with his parents,

but not being entirely selfless, is he, Terry?

No, he popped into his mum and dad's house earlier to charge up his iPhone.

He's never been one to pass up the chance of some free electricity.

Going to have to stop you there, Terry.

Looks like Pete is quizzing his mum a bit too hard on something.

But she's your sister. Why don't you see her any more?

Just because you happen to be related to someone

doesn't necessarily mean you should live in each other's pockets.

Yeah, but this is what it's all about, Mum. Family's important.

Why don't you give her a call? Oh, leave it, Pete.

What happened, anyway? It's none of your business.

Oh, come on, tell me. What happened?

If you must know, we haven't spoken for seven years,

because I was very upset about her divorce and I...

called her a whore.

You called her a whore? Yes.

Oh...!

Oh, it's all right, Mum, long time ago now.

What's he said?

Nothing. Did you know that Mum called Auntie Margaret a whore?

Oh...!

Let's go.

Well, let's hope Pete

doesn't call anyone a whore at these rather traditional-looking tearooms,

where he's about to meet his citizenship-seeking bride-to-be, Minikin.

And he's looking surprisingly jolly, Terry.

Well, he's just heard that Barry's doing a lot better,

and the doctors have said it wasn't a cardiac arrest, it was a cardiac incident.

Well, that is good news. And here comes the bride.

Hello, Kurt.

Minikin... or should I say

Mrs Pete Griffiths?

Hello.

I won't kiss you. I've got a cold sore coming.

I'm just going to get some pieces of cake.

Isn't she great?

Yeah.

Look, Kurt, mate, I don't think I can go through with this.

What are you talking about? You were fine five minutes ago.