Marry Me

Whoa! Major life changes coming through.

I can't believe we are moving in together.

And I can't believe we're helping you move in together,

So everybody's got their stuff they can't believe.

I can't believe white people still ask

If they can touch my hair.

- Church! - No.

- Ah. - Gil's right.

Aren't you guys a little too old

To be making your friends help you move?

Yeah, especially when two of your friends are girls,

And the other one's halfway through a food version

Of Leaving Las Vegas.

Well, excusez-moi me.

Need I remind you all that I was recently

Divorced within an inch of my dang life?

Wait. I know how to cheer you up.

Okay, how about we do that thing

Where a group of friends orders a pizza...

- Yes. - Right?

And then we put on some tunes,

And then we have a really great time

Unpacking all my stuff.

Unpacking his stuff!

Sorry, I cannot.

Every day I'm gonna do one thing

That Cassie would never let me do when we were married,

So tonight I got a date with two hotties.

- Really? - Let me clarify.

Hotties is what I call hot pockets.

Oh, it makes a little more sense.

Yeah.

Ooh, I'm out too.

I just got nip'd on Boobr, and I'ma go get it

And get it and forget it.

I didn't understand a word of that.

Boobr... it's a dating app for lesbians,

Like Grindr is for gay men

Or Tinder is for straight men and whores.

- Mm. - Peace out.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - Oh, no, don't go. No, don't.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Both: Gil. Gil!

No, no, no, no.

Hey, what about you, Dennah? Huh?

I can't think of a better way to spend a friday night.

Really?

That's so sad.

Bye!

- Well, I guess it's just us. - Yup.

Wow. You brought a lot of stuff.

Wow.

Where do we start?

I'll tell you where I want to start.

- I want to take off my pants... - Oh.

- And I'm gonna mount... - Okay.

That TV to the wall right there.

Wow. That was a real roller coaster ride.

Wait, why are you taking your pants off?

Because I'm hot, and I want to put on some shorts.

That sounds great, but I already have a great TV in here.

No. It's a great TV. Of course. Yeah.

Absolutely, for the bathroom.

See, I have this whole thing planned out.

We're gonna put my big TV up on the wall right there,

And then we put your little baby TV in the toilet.

Oh. A TV in the bathroom.

I never thought of that,

'cause it's my apartment and not a Dave & Buster's.

Ah-ah-ah-ah. Don't you mean our apartment?

- Of course I do. - Okay.

This is gonna be great, but the first thing

We need to do is relocate your knick-knacks, right?

And then we're gonna flip this couch around.

Then we probably need to move your karaoke machine

Over to where my karaoke machines are...

Wow. You have a real eye for changing stuff.

Living together is gonna be awesome.

It's like college, except my roommate

Has beautiful breasts instead of a dying ferret.

And my roommate has

Beautiful balls. Sorry.

No. No, please.

This is gonna be so fun!

This is so terrible!

Oh, I'm so sorry... do you want me to take it back or something?

Oh, no, I was talking about my fiance moving in with me.

This bisque is to die.

This bisque is bad too!

Ever since Jake moved in, I feel like I can't breathe,

And then I try to focus on my breathing,

But then it just feels like I'm not doing it right.

Like, does this sound right?

- Nope. - His stuff is everywhere.

He's got so many jackets.

It's like how many jackets does one person need?

Summer, fall, late fall,

Three winter weights, two versatile springs,

And a go-to-hell duster.

how many jackets does Jake have?

Well, one,

But it's really puffy.

You know, it's like, this is Chicago, buddy, not...

I can't think of anywhere colder than Chicago.

Last winter, I saw a bird frozen in midair.

That was a wind chime.

Seriously, how are Jake and I gonna be married

If I can't even handle living together?

What is wrong with me?

I mean, are we, like, doomed?

Well, my life is officially over.

I was at that shop with the super cute tops...

The one by the murder pond...

And that really popular high school girl

Who works there thought I was 40.

- Do I really look 40? - Kind of.

Um, Annie was just telling us that she's very worried

About her relationship with Jake, so...

Oh, god, sorry. You go.

Your thing is bigger, right?

I mean, unless you think that mine is...

- No. - No. You.

Sweetie, it's just an adjustment period.

You've never lived with anyone before,

And you were an only child.

We were really bad at teaching you

How to share your space.

Talk to Jake. Tell him how you're feeling.

Oh, so tell him that after freaking out

Because we weren't engaged or living together,

Now I'm freaking out

Because we're engaged and living together?

I don't want him to think I'm a crazy person!

Oh, sweetie. You passed that exit miles ago.

Look, I just... I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Well, when you got like this as a kid,

We always had you go into the bathroom alone and count to 30.

We called it Annie’s happy place.

You always came out feeling great.

Except the time you walked in on your aunt Karen

Having one of her sensual baths.

- It's your sister. - You know what?

Just talking to you guys

Is making me feel a whole lot better.

Like, I love Jake,

And I am excited about us living together.

This is so great.

The risotto? I know, right?

Totally.

I was talking about my outlook moving forward.

This risotto is garbage.

- Hey. - Hey, babe.

How about a little TV and takeout?

I wanted Mexican, but I knew you'd want Asian,

So I ordered Vietnamese

Because it's basically the Mexico of Asia.

That sounds great!

Give me one sec.

What is wrong with you? You love him.

You love TV. You love food.

You hate those briefs, but you love what's in 'em.

Just take a deep breath. Count to 30.

One, two...

I mean, hey, you.

- Is everything okay? - Yeah. All good.

- Let me help you. - You know what?

I'm just gonna grab my vacuum.

Oh, I threw that old thing down by the dumpster

Because I got a robo-vac.

It cleans by itself.

But I love my old vacuum.

I had it since college.

I lost my virginity to that vacuum...

To the sound of that vacuum.

I turned it on, so my roommate didn't have to listen

To me having sex with her brother.

- Ah! - You know what, let me grab it.

Oh, oh.

What's going... Annie, are you all right?

Totally, it's like women and their vacuums...

It's like men and their remote controls, am I right?

It's like there's not even a remote chance

You're gonna let me control that thing.

Okay, what's wrong? You're doing that thing

That you do when you're uncomfortable

And you ramble on and on about random subjects.

Sounds like bad '90s stand-up.

What? Everything's fine.

I'm not uncomfortable.

I'll tell you what's uncomfortable.

Airplane bathrooms.

Sorry. You've been great.

What? I love you.

Bye.

ooh, that's nice.

That's nice.

Hey, hon.

So good news: Found the vacuum.

Bad news: It's full of rats,

So I'm just gonna head over to the store

And get some new bags.