Fresh Off the Boat

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Unprompted Mandarin?

What do you want?

I already told you we are not getting a monkey.

We already have to take care of your grandma.

Fine, but there's an autograph signing at the mall this week,

and it's during school hours.

No skipping school.

Even if the building's on fire,

you wait for the bell and die with honor.

But it's my new favorite basketball player... Allen Iverson!

A.I.?

"The Answer"? The All-Star for the Sixers.

Got a crossover so smooth, it'll put a baby in your sister?

Connie? Don't bring my sister into this!

Come on, Dad, please? You love hoops.

And you know how hard I've been working on this college stuff.

Sorry, but I'm with your mother on this one. No skipping school.

But I think you should leave if there's a fire.

You smell smoke, you run.

C'mon, Ma, it's just half a day.

This is so unfair!

Unfair?

Wimbledon requiring Pete Sampras

to play wearing a shirt is unfair.

Denzel having to act wearing a shirt is unfair.

Me having to complete a stupid academic practicum

in order to become teacher boss...

definitely unfair.

What's a practicum?

I have to spend 100 hours

shadowing a teacher at some school

in order to finish my degree.

Apparently, "practicum" is Latin for "waste Jessica's time."

Practicum?

We're talking about practicum? Really?

I'm in here trying to get an autograph,

and we're talking about practicum?

Practicum?!

100 hours is a lot.

For everyone involved.

Yes, but in order to achieve your goals,

you need to keep your head down and stay the course.

Look at your brother Evan.

He wants to be Doctor-President,

and he has never veered from the path.

He's predictable, reliable...

Aloha!

What have you done to your neck?!

It's ruined!

Evan, why do you have sea creatures on your neck?!

Oh, my puka shells? Geoff got me into them.

Geoff? Who's Geoff?

He's my friend from school.

He spells his name G-E-O-F-F.

Isn't that cool?

G-off?

Jeff.

- G-off. - Jeff.

How come you never mentioned him before?

I guess that's 8th grade for you, always moving.

Well, I better go, or else I won't get a seat

in the back of the bus.

Then I'll have to sit on the wheel hump.

Puka shells, back of the bus, single-strap backpack.

This is not like Evan.

What is going on with him at school?

How would I know? We don't go to the same school anymore.

I'm in high school now.

I graduated junior high last June?

There was a ceremony where you shouted out, "Boring"?

Oh, right.

That poor girl sang "The Greatest Love of All."

Don't try Whitney if you can't do Whitney.

Okay.

You're worried about Evan because of puka shells?

Puka shells lead to shady friends,

which leads to distraction, which leads to bad grades!

Next thing you know, Evan won't be Doctor-President.

I don't know, Mom.

Puka shells are just casual beachwear

that also work in the city.

Well, you know what else works in the city?

Institutional racism.

Nice form!

The sleeve helps.

It's good for my ligaments, and sometimes it's a napkin.

Well, sorry we can't let you skip school, but I am proud

of all the hard work you've been doing for college.

An A.I. jersey!

I know you're a fan of "The Big Response."

It's "The Answer."

Oh. That's catchier.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh. I've been thinking about how to help pay for tuition.

Four words... Basketball scholarship.

Okay.

I'm gonna put together a reel of all my hoop skills

and send it to Georgetown, Duke, Kentucky...

Oh, son, this is the hard part of being a dad

they never show on TV.

The truth is, you are unlikely to get a basketball scholarship.

You are a clumsy boy with a heart of gold.

Maybe if you hustle, you can get a cup of coffee

in some third-tier Euro league,

but even then, you'll just be a curiosity,

an Asian spectacle for the Slavs to jeer at.

I don't want that.

No.

No, you don't.

But what you do have

is a great imagination, intelligence, and personality,

and there's plenty of scholarships for that.

Thanks, Dad.

Wait.

They spelled "Iverson" with a "Q."

"Iversqn"?

Is this fake?

Explains why it was in the clearance bin.

That Michael Gordan jersey makes a lot more sense now.

Hunter, what kind of a child zoo is this?

You've let Evan slip through the cracks.

Evan?

He's got straight A's, a can-do attitude,

making new friends.

Aside from one little detention...

Detention?!

Well, the whole class got it for tardiness.

The whole class?!

How are you teacher boss

and I still have to take practicum?

Trust me, Evan's doing just fine.

You have nothing to worry about.

False.

I need you to follow him to every class

and report back to me.

Be sly about it.

Peek around corners. Use binoculars.

You know what I'm talking about.

I can't follow one child all day.

Who has time for that?

One last Huang, one more year.

You can do this.

Dad, I took your advice and found an awesome scholarship.

Oh!

"The Wesley Snipes Scholarship for Orlando Youth."

Smart. Channeling some of that "Passenger 57" money

into a charitable cause.

He must have a great tax guy.

The scholarship will be enough

to buy a dope-ass massage chair for my dorm room.

It's gonna be pimp.

Anyways, I have to write an essay about my biggest hero.

Oh. So, uh, who do you have in mind?

It was an obvious choice.

A man who's really impacted my life.

I'm listening.

Someone who embodies the American dream.

He came from nothing,

has a tireless work ethic and amazing hair.

That doesn't just happen.

That's that work ethic you mentioned.

My hero...

Allen Iverson.

That's great.

Great choice. Yes.

Alright, Geoff, is this your card?

No.

Is this your card?

Nope.

I'm such a bad magician.

Hey. That's my card!

Or am I?

Dude, how did you do that?

A magician never reveals his secrets.

That's why they're not in relationships for long.

That was awesome.

Hey, you should come to my Bar Mitzvah.

Really? Isn't that for close friends and family?

I mean, we are friends, right?

One question... how early is too early to show up?

Show up to what?

Mommy?

Good news, Evan. I'm doing my practicum here.

We're going to school together!

Now, which one of you bed-wetters is G-off?

- You're doing your practicum here? - Isn't it great?

Instead of wasting my time

following dummy teachers at some random school,

I can spend my 100 hours with you

and still get credit!

100 hours is a lot.

A lot of fun.

I guess we could carpool together.

And the field trip permission slip process will be streamlined.

Cards?

Are you playing poker?

Did you put him up to this, G-off?

Uh, it's Geoff,