The Simpsons

Hubert, great work on the cafeteria gravy story.

Answered a lot of questions but raised a lot more.

I come bearing the thing you journalists hate most: news.

The Daily Fourth Gradian is hemorrhaging money.

Last month the paper lost...

$32.

But you can't put a price on the truth.

I finally got a source to go on the record about dodgeball concussions.

Bombardment, bombardment.

Bombardment.

I'm sorry, but I have no choice but to bring in a new editor.

The fifth grader who somehow turned the school poetry magazine

into a cash-blasting fire hose: Billy.

Preschool is over, news skanks.

Today is gonna be like Carrie Underwood

hosting the Country Music Awards...

we're in for a lot of changes.

You... I can tell you're a real talent.

Get out. You're fired.

See? No one's safe.

Fidget spinner.

What are you doing?

Hubert's a good journalist.

Good journalism ain't paying the pizza man, toots.

We are going online only:

pop-culture quizzes, sponsored lists,

headlines that grab you by the book bag:

"You Won't Believe What Milhouse Looks Like Now."

You bet your book bag I won't.

But you can't just turn the school paper into online clickbait.

We have a responsibility to...

Oh, my God, it's still talking.

I hate you so much I'm giving you the most important job

at this swipe rag.

- You're a what? - I'm a recapper.

Huh? What?

A TV recapper.

I watch every episode of a show, then write a summary,

followed by snarky comments and a letter grade.

Well, sometimes I do worry

I have the wrong opinions about what I've just seen.

Ugh. This isn't me.

What kind of person can just spew out an endless stream

of knee-jerk reactions?

They should hand out candy at Thanksgiving

and stuffing at Halloween.

Say, Dad, you sure have a lot of strong opinions.

Why don't you watch this show and tell me what you think?

Hey, yeah. Ah!

Ta-da!

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

The mouse and the cat hate each other.

That feels real to me.

It was quite a ride, and I was on board

until the shawarma screamed. Huh.

Very disappointing.

An instant classic.

Dad, you were born to describe TV at a fourth-grade level.

Ooh, well.

Would you recap The Krusty Show for my school paper?

All you have to do is watch TV and say things about it.

Just say things about TV.

Oh.

Krusty, a recapper is now reviewing your show.

Let me see that.

"Monologue seemed endless"?

"Pie clearly hits face of stunt double"?

"Overuse of comedic rule of three"?!

Why would I possibly care

about the opinion of this pathetic bottom feeder?

Huh? B-minus?!

C-plus?! Aah!

C-minus?

Ow!

Today's Krusty Show pulled out all the stops.

Which was a huge mistake,

as many of the stops should have been left in. D-plus.

I'll teach you to insult a thin-skinned Hollywood narcissist.

Oh, Tesla, your 900-pound feet

of silent, instant torque is the perfect killing machine.

Where do I know that guy?

Aah! Aah!

Vengeful clown!

"Krusty is trying to murder me.

"If he does,

it'll be the first time he's killed in years."

I'm not funny?

You want to see something really humor?!

"Running me off the road?

Clearly, a murderer out of ideas."

Like my show!

Why? Is it season four again?

Why, you.

- Whoa. - Whoa.

Oh, please be okay. Please be okay.

If anything happened to you, I-I don't know what I'd do.

Oh, give me a sign.

Let me know my world isn't over.

Don't look in my trunk!

But if you do, a Chinese doctor says I need it.

Oh, you're okay.

All right, tell me who assaulted you, and we'll bring 'em in.

Unless it's gangs or motorcycle guys. A motorcycle guy will whip you

right in the face with his chain.

He doesn't care.

Krusty tried to run me off the road!

But I'm still alive. C-plus.

Ah.

Don't worry, Krusty.

I know a place where the police will never find you.

Yeah, good luck, kid, but I'm a big-time TV celebrity.

The last thing I could ever do is blend in.

Hmm?

The circus? Why?

You're a clown.

I won't stand here and be insulted!

Y... Oh, right.

Kid, I'm a TV clown

not like these trapeze-sucking tent-fluffers.

Circus clowns don't talk,

while I perform to camera with finely honed subtlety.

Hey-hey!

Easy on the "hey-heys."

The cops are looking everywhere for you.

I can't go to jail.

I just quit smoking. What do I do?

Huh?

So, what do you call yourself?

- Soggy. Soggy the Clown. - Thought we already had a Soggy.

Nah, nah, you're thinking of Moisty.

You're hired.

So, Soggy, uh, what's your act?

Well, I can introduce cartoons,

pretend to enjoy children's breakfast cereal.

Oh, and I completely blow my stack

when someone takes my parking space.

You sound like a... TV clown.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I hate TV clowns from how you just said that.

TV clowns. Riding four to a car like royalty,

eating their stew from a bowl instead of cupped hands.

And you know who's the worst is that white-faced Judas: Krusty.

Wait. Circus clowns hate Krusty?

Don't you?

In my way I've hated him all my life.

Yeah, you get it, Soggy. You're a good kid.

Anyway, this is where you eat, this is where you sleep,

and this is where you sweep up the elephant crap.

So, all three in this cage.

Efficient, right?

Now meet the finest clowns

from the greatest closed circuses in the world.

Skitters, Bumpo, Wiggles,

Clabby, Dr. Pickles, Mr. Bindle,

Barrels, Drooly, Trembles,

Blitzy, Handsy,

Boobsy, Mr. Boobsy,

Baby Boobsy, the Boobsy Twins,

Ding-a-ling, Bing-bong, Ring-a-ling,

Flip-Flop, Fiddle-Faddle, Flap-Jack,

and Scene Blow.

Nice to meet...

Yeah.

It's him. It's really him.

A regular dork and a girl one.

It is an honor to meet the man whose recaps were so devastating

that the star of the show tried to kill him.

The secret is, say what happened.

Oh, it's like we're talking to Hemingway.

Or Shep Goldfein from TV Zorp.

How would you like to come recap for us

full-time at Culture Smash?

You'll pay me to watch TV?

God bless you, content-addicted clickbaiters.

We'll start you on 30 shows.

This month?

Uh, no, tonight.

Welcome to Peak TV.

This Is Us.

This is me.

C-plus.

Hey there, Soggy.

You excited for your first show?

Nervous? I'm not nervous.

Get this kid. "Nervous."

Nervous.

Well, you sure are saying "nervous" a lot.

Shut up, you nervous little punk.

I'm the king of 4:00 p.m. TV.

I can clown the pants off these losers.

Whoa, what is that?

That's what the clowns here drink before the tent opens.

- It's called Hippo Juice. - Do you even know what's in it?

I need my Hippo Juice!

Okay, Walking Dead.

Too much walking, not enough dead. C-plus.

Game of Thrones. Who is everybody? A-plus.

Stranger Things. Spielberg's back. C-minus.

Homie, you're watching so many shows.