David Spade: Dandelion

Nice. Denver, good to see you.

- - Thanks for coming.

Yeah.

Love Denver, haven't been here for a while.

Quickly, does the altitude affect your peeing?

Because last night, I could pee so far off my bed.

More than normal. Local bits.

All right, anyway, um...

I think a lot of you drove here.

I drive a lot in L.A. It kind of sucks.

Obviously, I have a little bit of road rage, but...

I will tell you one thing.

If I'm driving and I let you,

I give you the gift of merging in front of me,

you better wave.

Yeah.

There will be problems.

I'm like a psycho because I think of it as, like, a bigger favor than most people,

so if I look over and I'm, like, "Go!"

If I give you that,

I want to see this...

I want to see at least this in the window.

I'll take this.

I'll even take the cigarette-- deesh-deesh-- with an ash.

I'll take scraps.

You can't do nothing. You can't do nothing.

If you do nothing,

I will follow you for a minimum 100 miles.

I will go to your house, I'll put an air tag on your bumper at midnight.

Other than that, I'm pretty chill, but...

Sorry.

By the way, just quickly, off the record,

um, in 1998 they invented the cordless mic.

Now let me just-- Listen.

Now, listen, Paramount Theatre, let's not jump on trends.

I don't mind dragging 42 feet of fucking cable around

that weighs 16 pounds.

It's throwing out my clavicle, and we're on joke four, all right?

Jesus Christ, let's not hop on fads.

They have a sweetheart deal with fucking RadioShack at the mall.

No, actually this is Amazon, okay, so this is...

This is Jeff Bezos getting a fifth private jet,

and then he gets my dog shit mic off a fucking Black Friday deal.

Amazon Prime, whatever they call it. Yeah.

- Thank you. -

On the only night that matters. Great.

Stick your hand in there.

Goddamn. I love that Amazon gets it from Amazon.

That's...

All right, well...

Oh, shit.

Flew out here, um...

The pilot when I get on says, "Hey, welcome to our 737.

We just got our door back."

Now...

why are you mentioning the door that flew off

because I don't know if it's the real plane?

Don't talk about it, I just forgot about it.

Do you remember when the door flew off the plane?

You remember how terrifying that was?

Then they showed a video of it. I go, "Oh, my God, they have a video?"

This must be pandemonium.

No, no, no, if you saw it, it was dead silence.

People, like this...

Like it was, like, some M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong movie.

I'm, like, "Guys, the door is off, it's night time, even scarier,

tornado-like winds," and they're, like...

Wh-- If it was me,

just the noise of my diarrhea hitting everyone's forehead on the way out.

Deesh-deesh-deesh.

I'd be wailing on that call button.

A-bung-bung-bung-bung- bung-bung-bung-bung.

"Hey, um, was there a door when I got on?

I don't even check anymore. It's kind of a given, um..."

And then the people in the way back, they go

"We didn't know what was going on."

What do you think's going on?

Dude, I'd be popping up like Meerkat Manor.

What do you think, it's the blower's broken? Pssst!

"Goddamn, that's strong."

Shunk! "There goes my chain!"

Shunk! "There's my baby! Turn this off. Fix it!"

When I get on, they give me the Pepsi scam too.

No offense, dog-shit Pepsi, but you know what, when I get on there,

I always go, "I want a Diet Coke."

It happens everywhere. This is like a weird phenomenon.

I was at a casino gig.

I'm in the restaurant and I go, "Hey, um, Diet Coke."

They go, "Nah, we only got Pepsi."

I go, "Well, I saw a store walking in here, maybe I'll just go grab one."

He goes, "No, we're a Pepsi casino."

"Wait, all effing, fucking 40 acres of this place, that's all, all Pepsi?

I don't know if this is legal." And he goes, "But you know what?"

He helps me out.

"There's a 7-Eleven a couple clicks down the freeway."

And I go, "Mm. Are you going? I'm not going, are you going?

Wh-- A couple of clicks, am I Vietcong? What am I--? What are you talking about?

Is that an inch? A mile? How long's a click?"

"You think I'm walking down the freeway in the middle of the night?"

No, thank you.

So, I'm on the plane, and then I order a Diet Coke,

and they go-- They don't even bother telling you they don't have it, they go,

"Mm-kay."

"Let me get that for you.

Let me get your Diet Coke."

And they go back to that little apartment.

And then they come out, "Here's your Diet."

Vague "Diet," vague.

And then they go hide behind that little fucking bulkhead or whatever it's called.

And I'm like this...

I can tell already.

And they go...

"Ah, you caught me! It's dog shit, sorry."

No.

God forbid you ask for anything.

It's usually just, you know, some ratty hose water.

I'm, like, "Can I get some water?" Like, "Yeah."

Then she brings a big, nice fat bottle, and I go, "Ah."

And she goes, "No, no, no."

Here's your little, filthy little Dixie cup

that you wash your mouth out with at the dentist.

"Can I take that?'" "Uh, I'm not done yet."

Crunch. There you go.

Then she comes by later with a gerbil feeder,

I'm like this...

And right before we land, she's got the iron. Dooff, dooff.

I'm, like...

It's fucking steam, dude, I'm not gonna walk you through all of them.

All right, so...

I watch the movies.

Delta has the worst-- Well, whoever, no names, but they have the worst movies.

I'm looking through this, it's crummy movie, crummy movie.

It's like, "How about our new arrivals." Thank you.

Hey, Delta, I don't think we can count FernGully as a new arrival.

27 Dresses?

Don't make me Google it. Yeah. 2004.

So I settled on The Beekeeper and, um, The Beekeeper's fine.

I know what I'm getting, Jason Statham at his medium-est.

Uh, because he's the same in everything, but he's good,

but it's always the same, you know, he's got a scowl,

lot on his mind, few words.

But the problem with The Beekeeper is that it's--

Just writing-wise, 'cause I'm a writer...

...so I look at movies through a different lens.

Different prism, if you will.

And it's a little itchy because he's a beekeeper,

buzz buzz, you know, the whole thing with the hat on.

And the reason he's doing this because he escaped the FBI

where he was an assassin nicknamed "the beekeeper."

Folks, can he be any other profess-- I mean...

don't make it so easy to track him.

We're trying to make sure we get him in the first act. They're like,

"Hey, that guy's a beekee--"

You know, it can't be that easy.

Go work at Foot Locker, you know what I mean...?

So, they do catch him, shockingly, within like four minutes,

and then quickly kill everyone he knows. Then...

he gets mad, takes the thing off, and he goes...

"I'm the Beekeeper."

"I keep the bees,

and if I find you, you might get stung."

And I'm like, "That's a bee. Okay.

This is the problem. You're a bee or you're a beekeeper.

I didn't like that."

And then he goes, "And if I sting you, you die."

"That's a bee again.

And the bee dies. The guy doesn't die, the bee dies."

I was like, "I gotta get out there. It's too much, it's already off."

Anyway, let's hit the headlines.

What's going on with this Johnny Depp trial? Some of these are old.

I think he's gonna do it. I think he's gonna win it.

That Amber Heard's pretty. That's her problem, too pretty.

You know what they say, "Crazy in the head, poops in the bed."

Huh, who's with me? This guy?

- - You've said it.

That should be her merch. What is she waiting for?

That submarine, though, that went to the Titanic.

No! Listen!

I miss that crazy little sub.

I got attached, guys. Two weeks.

No, but the reason I'm bringing it up is because they're doing it again.

Some other dipshit billionaire is like,

"Let's go to the Titanic in a microscopic dangerous sub."

It didn't work! What does he need to know? I've got some data.

You don't go in an eight-- This is the problem with billionaires.

They want to go to the bottom of the ocean or Mars.

You know what, I'm rich, I find things to do on the surface of the planet.

I run around, I go to Cheesecake Factory. I find shit to do here.