Velma

Previously on Velma...

I like you.

That's hilarious.

Wait. Norville.

Your joke worked, you genius!

Keep making me laugh.

No, Velma, wait!

I'm here because I want you.

That book you gave me

opened my eyes to your inner beauty.

Hey, watch where you're going.

Gigi?

Hi.

Norville, I've definitely been here before.

I feel like all the answers to my questions

about my parents are in there.

The bathrooms?

Wait. I mean in there.

Okay, so you know that thing when you text your friends

and they don't text you back,

so it feels like you're gonna die?

Well, if my friend didn't text me back,

I actually was going to die.

Because Norville was ghosting me,

and my hallucinations had gotten so bad,

I couldn't even look at my murder board without having one.

Sure, Daphne could have helped me find my mom.

But when I was with her...

the only mystery I wanted to solve

was the case of the missing inhibitions.

Dad, I need a ride to school.

Norville's MIA, and my walking pace attracts vultures.

Sorry, no time. Baby's coming home tomorrow

so I need to clean...

before heading to the hospital

for Sophie's postpartum photoshoot with the nursing staff.

I'm gonna be there all night.

Hold up. You're leaving me home alone

with a murderer on the loose?

Even though I was voted most likely to be murdered before any of this?

You won't be alone, Velma.

You have the marching band sleepover in the school gym tonight.

The marching band sleepover?

Ugh, Norville really has abandoned me at my lowest moment.

This sleepover's gonna be so tight.

Wait until you see how much pizza I eat.

I can eat three slices.

Hey, sorry to interrupt, but have you seen Norville?

Tall, um...

Blue eyes, maybe?

Good morning, students.

This is Principal Rogers.

I'm here with Mayor Dave and the Sheriff.

Everybody, listen up!

We just learned someone somewhere is being intolerant.

Jesus, Ed.

Just say your thing before they stop listening.

Hello, students. This is your cool mayor, Mayor Dave.

So, uh, since assigning personal police details to the hottest of you,

we've been getting a little push back

on the police presence in school.

But fun twist! It's from the police.

Uh-oh!

I just rear ended a cop.

In fact, the officers on detail have all resigned,

citing unrelenting sexual harassment.

Now, in place of the police details,

we'll now be instituting a citywide curfew

at 9:00 p.m. tonight, for everyone.

You're caught outside, you'll spend the night in jail.

Be warned. Our deputy is working on his stand up set.

This also means

several school events will be canceled,

- including... - Band sleep over!

The track meet...

the Parent's Association's Find the Asbestos Service night

and the marching band sleepover.

Yes!

Okay, baby Daphne.

I'm going to the Crystal Mines, and I'm not coming back

until I figure out who I am and where I come from.

Or six. Our moms are home by six, so I'll be back before then.

Sorry, sign, but hot people are cut too much slack to heed warnings.

Ah, that's fine. Bats are just flying rats.

Ground bats, yuck!

Oh, hey, Fred, have you seen Norville?

I need him to help me investigate.

No, but I have found a way to make you like me.

Check it out.

And as if this isn't enough,

I will also win your heart

by proving I am a helpful ally, sister.

Look, I'm glad reading The Feminine Mystique caused a little growth.

Shush, a feminist is speaking,

and he listened to your theory

about your mom going missing at his house

and actually found something.

Wait, you did? And this isn't just

you thinking I'm related to your nanny again, is it?

No.

There were some papers in Father's special drawer,

where he keeps his men's work out magazines.

Turns out, our house used to be owned

by a woman named Dr. Edna Perdue,

Dr. Edna Perdue was a female neurologist.

You don't need to say female, Velma.

You can just say neurologist.

Ah! She died in the Crystal Cove insane asylum,

after conducting ethically dubious experiments?

Fred, your house was owned by a mad scientist.

Now I have to find Norville.

Oh, he's probably tangling retainers with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Norville! You have a girlfriend?

No.

And your girlfriend is Gigi?

Damn, this makes me think I could bag Don Lemon.

How did this happen? I thought you were missing.

It's all thanks to you, Velma.

I always thought I was just regular hot,

but you gave me the confidence to be artsy hot.

So you're not mad, Velma?

Sometimes it's unclear until I'm sitting on a thumb tack.

Mad? No, I'm so excited. Now you have Gigi

to talk about boring stuff like your swords and feelings.

So, when we're together,

we can focus solely on finding my mom.

- Speaking of, Fred's house... - Stop, Velma.

Look, Gigi and I have decided

that maybe I should spend less time with you.

Less time?

But I only see you when I need you as is.

Sorry, Velma.

But until Norville learns to stand up for himself,

he's gonna do exactly as I say.

I see.

Fine, great.

No sweat off my under boob. It's not like I need him.

Fred can help me not hallucinate by making me laugh.

Velma, give me the chance and I can help you with anything.

Uh, well, except filling in your ethnicity on a form.

I'm guessing Samoan?

Who... Who are you?

We're your parents, Daphne.

My parents?

Why are you so hairy?

Wait, are you Brooklyn guys?

Oh, oh! Sorry.

We should have explained that these are costumes.

We need to hide our identity until we can trust you.

Until you can trust me?

I'm not the one dressed like something pulled out of the shower drain.

Also, if you even are my parents,

you abandoned me.

You weren't abandoned, Daphne.

Your moms stole you from us.

What? No, they didn't.

They found me wrapped in a blanket in the middle of a cornfield.

Uh, okay.

But if you don't believe we're your parents,

look up the Crystal Mines gang on Netscape Navigator.

Netscape Navigator? Good Lord!

How long have you been in here?

Hello?

Hello.

Did you really just do an Irish exit?

Huh, maybe we are related.

Remember, tonight's curfew is at 9 p.m.,

and The Bachelor's brilliant finale is at 10:00.

So, no messing around!

So, we're going to the Hysterical Society?

Then why would you need my help making you laugh?

It's Historical Society.

Places like this helped Skip Gates

learn which white actors are descended from slave owners.

If there's any record of Dr. Perdue, it'll be here.

So, you're friends with our favorite docent, Norville.

We're so happy he's found Gigi,

especially after wasting years pining for that bossy one.

What was her name? Meatball?

I actually heard Meatball was really cool and beautiful.

Well, all we have are Dr. Perdue's old journals.

This is the one place she felt no one would ever find them.

99.9% of our visitors are people looking for a bathroom.

Huh?

The journals are missing.

Well, the last person to look at them was, uh...

Diya Dinkley.

What?

My mom was researching a mad scientist?

And then disappeared at her house? Why?

Oh, God! Fred, I'm hallucinating!

Quick, make me laugh like Norville would have.

I would. But all I can think of right now is the gender pay gap.

Is it funny?

Women make 20% less than men.

And women of color even less.

I can't stop laughing.

Ah, does anyone have a defibrillator?

Stop, you could lose a finger.