American Housewife

Hey, Mom, look what I made you at school yesterday.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Give me a minute to figure out what it is

and I'll tell you how much I love it.

It's a plastic-bag dryer.

It's so you can wash and reuse plastic baggies.

What prissy mom came up with that idea?

Dad.

We had fun making them.

You know what else would be fun?

If you stopped coming up with stuff

that makes more work for me.

Katie, I'm head of the school's green committee.

It's important that we up our recycling game.

Am I still supposed to pretend recycling is real

in front of Anna-Kat?

She's 10, Greg.

- Hey, Mr. and Mrs. A. - Hey.

I'm here to pick up Taylor for school.

Now that it's my second senior year,

Taylor and I are in the same class.

Fingers crossed I don't end up with Anna-Kat.

I love your hair today, Mom.

Thanks, Taylor!

Look at that.

She gave you a compliment and didn't ask for money.

I know.

We might finally be entering

the mother-daughter friend phase.

We could go to Mardi Gras together.

But she's not gonna get more beads than me.

I have great news.

I got an interview at Teen Help Line.

What's Teen Help Line?

Oh, it's this volunteer organization

where teens call to talk to peers about their problems.

It's a great way to impress Harvard

- now that I can't do ballet. Huh.

Don't you need empathy for that?

- - I've gotten this far without it.

- - Plus, they give you a script,

and if anyone starts to cry or something gross like that,

I'll just pretend I got disconnected.

They'll be lucky to have you.

She wants me to wash out plastic bags.

What the hell for?

I barely have time to wash my own damn self.

Ugh. Marigold wants me to wash out those bags, too.

It's really caused a rift between me and the housekeeper.

She just thinks

the rich lady has found another way to torture her.

Just give the woman her passport back.

No.

The only kid not bugging me is Taylor.

She even complimented me for no reason this morning.

- Mm. - Uh-oh.

What?

No kid is nice for no reason, Katie.

She's clearly hiding something from you.

You think?

Marigold told me I smelled nice the other day,

so I flipped her upside down

and shook five Pixie Stix out of her pockets.

A mother knows, Katie.

You're right.

I'm going to search Taylor's room.

Okay, you're going about this the wrong way.

You should be the kind of mom she'd want to come to.

The last thing you should be doing is snooping.

It's a complete breach of trust.

No, you're right.

It's the wrong thing to do.

Angela's wrong.

Snooping feels absolutely right.

It's a good thing her room is so messy.

We don't have to put anything back.

This is suspicious.

- What? - A book.

In Taylor's room.

Oh.

- Oh, my. - What "oh, my"?

Well, it's a prescription for birth-control pills.

In her name.

Oh.

I feel sick.

What are you doing?

If there are drugs in here, I'm gonna find them,

'cause you could really use some right now.

What are you in the mood for today, Franklin?

The mac-n-cheese looks good.

Well, I'm allergic to dairy, cheese, and pasta.

Is there any of that in there?

Hey!

The lunch lady's using disposable plates.

Excuse me...

Mac-n-cheese or fish sticks?

Mac-n-cheese, please.

He'll have the fish sticks.

And also, why aren't you using washable plates?

The plastic ones are just gonna end up in a landfill.

Tell somebody who gives a dink.

You can't talk that way. There's a lady present.

What are you gonna do about it?

Eat mac-n-cheese, break out in hives,

and throw up all over your floor.

Knock yourself out.

Dad!

- Yeah. -

The lunch lady won't use real plates.

She uses plastic ones

and then just throws them away.

What?

Not in my school.

I tried talking to her, but she won't listen.

This is a job for the recycling committee.

Bill Doty and I will take it from here.

Sounds like the lunch lady just needs to be educated.

Yeah, and if that doesn't work,

we'll recycle her face!

You get more like your mother every day.

Hi, Mom. I like your shirt today.

Liar! You don't like anything about me!

I found this.

Where did you get this?!

You went in my room?!

If we're talking about who's going in where,

I think there's a bigger conversation to be had.

Okay, Mom, calm down. We haven't done it yet.

But at some point, we will. Right, Trip?

I just came in for apple juice.

You promised me you were going to come to me first

when you were thinking of having sex.

- I never was really gonna do that. - Double liar!

Well, you're a snoop! I don't trust you anymore!

I don't know if I can trust you anymore!

I'm smelling some tension.

Maybe Teen Help Line can offer some support.

"Hi. I'm glad you called.

This is a safe place for you to express"...

Let me see that.

- - If you're ever wondering

where my lack of empathy comes from...

Give me back my prescription

that you stole from my room!

Well, your room is in my house,

so I get to do this.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I'll just get Angela to take me to the doctor again.

What?!

Angela took you?!

I played laser tag last night.

You ever been?

There was a 12-year-old who covered his target.

It's against the rules.

Get out.

Thank you.

I cannot believe you took my daughter

to get birth control without asking me.

Okay. You have to understand.

When Taylor came to me

and asked me to take her to the doctor,

I was afraid that if I said no,

she would start having unprotected sex,

and I knew you wouldn't want that.

But I should have been the one to take her.

- I'm her mother. - But would you have taken her?

- No! I am her mother! - See?

This is why Taylor didn't go to you, because you always shut her down.

But when Taylor came to you, you should have come to me.

She asked me not to.

She asked me not to go to school in my pajama bottoms!

You don't have to listen to a teenager!

Doris? You want to weigh in here?

Yeah, Doris, weigh in. Tell her I'm right.

I'll do what I always do, okay?

I'll side with each of you behind the other's back.

That way, I stay the favorite.

I've got to get to court,

where people argue and make sense.

This conversation is not over.

Angela, this conversation is not...

She can't hear me, but this conversation is not over.

Now, before we start the show, I'd like to introduce my friend

and the sunshine on my compost pile,

Mr. Bill Doty!

Let's get on with this.

- I on get a 48-minute lunch at Foot Locker. - Hmm.

Did somebody hire the two worst strippers in Westport?

'Cause I didn't.

Well, we're gonna do a little show for you

that will not only rock your world...

- But save it! - ...but save it!

We're gonna lay some knowledge on you about recycling

and have a little bit of fun along the way.

Join us now somewhere on an American coastline.

The beach is a perfect place to have my lunch.