Moone Boy

In Ireland, nothing is more

celebrated than the ability. to banish snakes.

This is probably due to that dark period in Irish history

when we had that big snake problem.

Probably.

But as the rest of Boyle readied itself for the St Patrick's Dayparade,

the Moone house was instead being lashed by the serpent's tongue of a nervous,

heavily pregnant teenage bride.

I said rashers, what's this sausage bullshit?

You just had rashers, love...

You just had rashers, love.

You did kind of sound like that.

Okay, more rashers it is.

Can I have some rashers?

You're doing a very important job there, Sinead,

you don't have time to be eating.

What am I doing again?

You're monitoring the temperature of the curling iron.

Ow! For f...

Get ready, Deb.

Where's Martin?

This hairspray hasn't been tested on animals yet.

He's outside with his girlfriend.

Yeah. Martin's going out with a traveller,

Fidelma's marrying a holy Joe, so things are going great.

How come you have time to talk when I have no rashers in front of me?

I'm sorry.

How come I'm on burning duty and Trisha gets off scot-free?

Trisha had her fair share of injuries when she was making Delma's dress.

Is it not a little bit plain, no?

This is what brides are wearing now.

You don't want a meringue in your condition.

I'd love a meringue right now.

Yeah, more food is what you need. Seriously, Del, you're already huge.

A fussy dress with frills and bows would make you look like a barge.

You're just too massive to... Ow!

Your foot's on my hand!

Ooh, sorry!

Ah! Now both your feet are on my hand!

As chaos reigned in the Moone house, Martin made plans with Majella,

his new lady friend Or at least he tried to.

So this is a timetable for when you want us to hang out?

What can I say? Love to plan. Always have.

So, tomorrow at 11:30,

I have us down for some hand-holding before Geography?

Tomorrow? I don't know if we'll still be here tomorrow.

You're a tough lady to pin down, Majella.

How about you come to the wedding reception tonight, then?

Tonight? Maybe I'll be dead by then.

Martin!

Look, let's just try to keep things loose and carefree for now, yeah?

Okay. That's... cool.

Martin, wait.

Your laces are undone.

I won't be tied by petty conventions, Majella.

Did someone call me or is the banshee back?

We're up against it here, Martin.

Can you get your breakfast down you and be ready to go in 10?

No problemo. I'm versatile.

Is that a surplus bowl of Coco Pops?

Someone seems to think Coco Pops and Readybix are the same thing!

- Oh, Jesus. - Eejit.

Oh, Martin, before you eat will you go and grab Delma's dress?

I'm happy-go-lucky, right, Sean?

Hey, you're the happiest and the go-luckiest, buddy.

Don't worry about Majella, you know what women are like.

Do I!

Do I?

Well, I don't, so, probably not.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe I'm just too flippin' responsible.

Stupid bloody laces, they'll be the death of me.

They will now.

Oh, balls!

I felt like I almost saw it coming.

In a break with tradition, and rational thinking,

Dessie had given the job of best man to his priest.

Looking tense, Father. How's the speech?

All good. Still working on it.

I'm sure you're going to kill it.

- Got any good jokes? - Oh, yes.

I'm doing this whole bit on Dessie about

the way he always shows up for Mass quite early.

Yeah.

And...

That's it, really.

Right.

Do you know any good jokes, Padraic?

Well, let me put it this way, Father.

They don't call me the Joker just because I look like Jack Nicholson.

Is it... because you sometimes wear makeup?

It's because I know a lot of good jokes.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

Right, well...

You're on your own now, pal.

Come on, buddy. We can handle this.

But I'm sleepy.

You can get wine stains out with salt,

so what can you get chocolate milk stains out with?

Pepper?

That's my boy.

Using this laundry logic, Martin laboured to remove the Coco Pops

with pepper, remove the pepper with honey

and remove the honey with self-raising flour

What do we use to remove the flour again?

Erm, Toilet Drake.

Oh yeah, that's right.

I don't get it, it doesn't seem to be any cleaner.

Maybe if we put it in the washing machine?

Mmm, I don't know, that fabric seems a bit too delicate for a machine.

Yeah, we don't want to take any risks at this stage.

No, we don't. We're like one step away from it being totally clean again.

What should we use to remove the Toilet Drake?

Petrol!

You're a genius.

This is the biggest day of my life and I wanted you there as a part of it.

And now it's not going to happen.

No, it's fine. Yeah, I'll see you on the road.

Lookin' sharp, Desmo.

Daniel? Daniel!

Daniel, just the man!

Hey, you can read music, can't you?

Oh, like a gypsy can read palms.

Oh, great! I had this whole matrimonial setlist planned,

and I'm after losing my guitarist to shingles.

- Oh, the poor fella! - No, er,

Shingles are a skiffle band from Rooskey.

Listen, don't you worry about it, Dessie.

I'll grab my Spanish guitar,

and we'll be as tight as the Gipsy Kings in no time.

So, all of our petrol is on there?

It's just that... Well, the petrol looks like it's helping the flour soak

into the dress, which isn't ideal.

Unless you want to make a cake. Is that how you make wedding cake?

All we need now is icing.

All right, just before you do that, why don't we just check the label

to make sure that it's not machine washable.

Why are these things so small?

Do you have your magnifying glass?

Always.

That's my boy.

"This is a Trisha Moone creation. X-X-X-L.

"Please call for normal human sizes."

There's something about this situation,

maybe it's just the petrol fumes, but I feel uneasy.

Don't worry, Sean, I'm a man of science.

Oh!

Oh, balls!

Oh, God!

All right, stay calm. What removes fire?

What the hell... are ya...

Blame it on your dad.

Look what Dad's done!

But Mam, I was cleaning it!

If you'd just let the fire burn away the Toilet Drake...

Martin, shut it! I can't even look at you right now!

Apologise to your sister!

I'm really sorry, Delma.

She meant me, I'm the one who feckin' made it!

You having a clothes burning party or are you after some help?

Not unless you've got a spare wedding dress.

For a plus-size bride!

Actually, I was a bit more pregnant than you when I got wedded.

We might have to take it in.

Te amo. Te amo mucho.

Eres mi vida. La vida loca.

I had a very specific musical vision for this Mass.

Dessie, all that matters is that in a matter of minutes,

your beautiful, elegant bride will walk down that aisle.

And her simplicity and grace will make the music disappear.

You're the best best-man-priest ever.

She's here! She's here!

She's beautiful.

Wouldn't like to carry her over the threshold, though.

Good luck with that.

Sorry!

Got my meringue in the end.

Thank you, Dad.

Let go, Dad.

Okay, yeah, letting go.

Letting go now.

God, it's really hard.

It's okay, love, we'll always have Trisha at home.

Hey, I'm standing right here.

Just keeping it real, Trish.

Welcome, ev...

Welcome, everyone.

On this glorious St Patrick's Day,

to the wedding of Fidelma Denise Moone and Desmond Joseph Mary Dolan.

Now, I'm in the unusual situation of being both celebrant and best man.

When did that happen?

So let's hope I don't forget either the Bible or the ring.

Don't laugh at that.

Oh!

Don't worry, I've got better ones.

Oh!

Uh-oh. Either Fidelma's overdone it on the rashers or that girl is in labour.

Quick, what gets babies out?

We welcome Fidelma and Desmond here on their wedding day,