The Worst Film Festival Ever

Why do you interfere.

Jo, why do you fight me?

We're allies.

- Patrick, you are a sad, strange little man.

And you have my pity.

Complete and utter shit.

Solid gold shit.

Tugg Speedman. I'm...I'm just not the biggest fan.

- A father with money and an idiot with an expensive habit.

The transition from drugs to movie making

has been glorious for us.

- The problem with Tugg Speedman movies are his endings.

- Well, it's not just the endings.

We even got shortchanged on the nudity.

Esme Presley used a body double.

Hmm.

I've just had a thought.

What do you think if I asked you to present the awards?

- Oh, Gabriel, let me stop you there.

I'm not presenting these awards.

Well, that would be a mistake.

A missed opportunity for you, Will the farmer.

It's on brand.

- Gabriel, your little festival. It's a low rent nightmare.

Whatever bullshit you've done

to get this accredited by the academy, it's a win here.

Honestly, I don't want to be part of it

when it all goes tits up.

It's all showbiz, Will.

And you are one of the greats.

This is an opportunity that should be

grabbed with both hands.

Gabriel, please.

Please don't bullshit me.

Put on a show, Will.

Razzle dazzle 'em.

It will be you that they'll remember.

- I don't want to present an award

to a shit Tarantino wannabe, Tugg Speedman.

- Truth is stranger than fiction, Will.

Look, um.

Why don't you stay?

Listen to the key speaker talk and then see how you feel.

Do you know what?

I don't feel well, Gabriel.

It's funny, isn't it?

If you've got a tractor, you're a farmer.

If you don't, you're just a gardener.

Do you know what?

I am not sitting here listening to that.

Oh,

Gabriel? Are you all right?

Hello.

Well hello, Giggles.

I didn't know we were gonna be a threesome tonight.

- What's the point in having a phone

if you don't read your messages?

Oh, shit.

Sorry. No, I've been avoiding my dad all day, so.

Urrgh, phone.

I'm breaking up with you.

- Okay. - It's not you.

It's your dad.

Huh?

Not in that way.

Just the way he controls everything you do.

Uh.

I'm waiting for the punch line here,

but I'm sensing it's not coming.

Look...My dad is just my dad.

Like I'm my own boss.

Okay, but that is five unread messages,

which I'm not going to read.

I'm with Giggles.

Caroline.

I thought we were going to make a movie together.

- I think we're both done with that.

You know...You know what?

I think I'm just gonna...

Oh, God. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Dad!

Where have you been?

He's having a heart attack.

Will the farmer?

And a cow jumped over the moon.

No, dad.

- Gabriel, everything's gonna be okay.

Alan's here now.

Listen to me, son.

Do you want to make it in his business

or fold shirts at the Chinese laundromat?

Pledge.

- Um, how sure are we that this was a heart attack?

Uh, it's not... the film festival.

The film festival goes ahead.

You're in charge.

- Gabriel, talk about this at the hospital.

Where is this ambulance?

Ambulance is on the way.

No! Dad! Dad!

Cancel the film festival.

Alan,

I am not willing to donate a kidney,

but I am willing to watch you die slowly

if you're looking for that kind of thing.

Huh.

Um.

- Any idea what you're going to do?

Uh, no, no, Will, I don't.

- Well, good luck with everything.

Um, Will the farmer to present best picture.

Oh.

- You know, think I'm gonna faint if we don't eat soon?

- There's a Costa, Starbucks back at the station.

I can get those anywhere.

I need authentic Edinburgen food.

I don't know if it's an actual word,

but it is now anyway.

- Um, there's a greasy spoon three blocks from here.

Authentic Scottish cafe it says.

Perfect word.

I'm gonna use it in a sentence.

I just did.

- Where are all these Scottish brutes have been told about?

- You're going to cop a flower pot

if you don't move them trotters?

At her butt. Oh my God.

Are you sure?

Of course.

she's got no reason to lie, has she?

Can we go home then?

Alan's sorting it out.

That can't be good.

Come on.

How's it going?

Uh, a few technical issues.

Uh, but then again, it's an old laptop,

so it probably needs replacing.

She means your dad, Alan.

Oh, God.

Um, yeah, better, I think.

Uh, he left me a three-page text message this morning

that he signed off with, "And don't mess this up."

So, safe to say he's bet the farm on this festival.

It'll be fine.

See, it's working

and gone again.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

He's fucked.

Will.

- Gabriel's on the mend. That's good.

- Look. Will, I still need a key speaker.

It's check-out time for me.

- No, Will, please. I'll give you anything, okay?

I have a kidney you can have.

It's barely been used.

- When you get chased by a pack of taxidermists,

don't play dead.

- Uh, is there no one here to meet us?

- It's fine, we'll just grab a taxi.

- Did you not order a car service?

Oh. I'm sorry.

I'll just bung it on my credit card, shall I?

There's no budget for this trip.

Seriously?

Good news or bad?

- My father would say this is a challenge.

- So bad then - Yeah, it's not good.

Uh, one of my key speakers has pulled out.

He's got the flu.