The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin

Attend the tale of Dick Turpin,

the most "legendariest" highwayman Essex has ever known.

He bravely battled thieftakers, outwitted witches,

and became a hero to all who heard his name. Until...

he was revealed to be a big, wimpy coward

who hated Hempstead and hated all of you.

Especially the women and children.

Total lies.

Dick loved women and children.

And he never stood on us.

I miss not being stood on.

But fear not, for I, Tommy Silversides,

am a true highwayman of the people.

- Don't touch me. -

See?

Didn't take long for them to turn on Turpin.

They haven't turned on him.

They're just distracted by that stupid,

gorgeous, irresistible idiot, Tommy.

And it's your job to ensure they stay that way.

And if I do, promise me you won't kill him.

- Yes, yes. We've been over all this. - Or torture him.

Darling, it's a torture dungeon.

There's bound to be a little torture.

Promise me, Mum.

I promise not to torture or murder Dick Turpin.

- Happy? - Yes, thank you.

Oh, I do miss these mother-daughter bonding times.

- -

Oh, we should do a spa day.

- -

Guys, stop. You're embarrassing me. No more.

Three cheers for our heroic new highwayman!

- Hooray! - You are too kind.

Get out of here. Turn around. Seriously, I hate being touched.

Looks better already.

Oh, knickers. Not you again.

Geoffrey, you're my first visitor.

Have you brought me a cake with a file hidden inside it?

Not for the bars. Just my nails are out of control.

- - I'm your guard.

After all that witch malarkey,

I went into the private sector to get away from idiots like you,

so this is just my luck.

Geoffrey, I'm really glad you're here. Is this definitely the cell booked for me?

Not a more spacious one with an en suite?

There is an en suite. That bucket over there. Look.

When it rains, the ceiling leaks so, you know, that's basically a shower.

- Shower, just for me? - No, no. All the other lads as well.

What's the food like?

Ooh. Uh, there's a bit of dried moss on that back wall, if you fancy it.

Goody. I'll have a lick later.

So, I'm sure my gang are on their way to save me,

but just in case, is there an escape route?

Nah, nah. No, no escaping, Turpin.

That's why they call this place "Your Annoying Second Cousin's Wedding."

'Cause no matter how hard you try, there's just no getting out of it.

- Ta-ra, mate. - Where you going?

Oh. Ironically, it's my second cousin's wedding.

So...

Welcome to your first evaluation meeting.

I can see you all received your new uniforms.

You're gonna look superb in the background. Especially you, Nell.

Save it, Tommy.

You can flatter me all you like.

Yeah, you can bat those beautiful eyes.

You can even kiss me.

It won't work.

I dare you to kiss me.

Kiss me, please.

- Kiss me. Here. - Nell, that's weird.

Mr. Silversides. Tommy.

Mr. Silversides.

- Not that these uniforms aren't great... - Mm-hmm.

...but, uh, do you have anything more loose-fitting?

Dick always said clothes are a way of expressing your individuality, right?

Why on earth would I want you to express your individuality? No.

I want you to play your designated roles.

- - Moose, the violent heavy.

Honesty, the brainless psychopath.

And Nell, the woman.

Okay, I-I'm not brainless, and Nell's not a woman.

Well, I-- I am a woman.

But I'm not the woman.

You know-- Well, okay, technically, I am the only woman here.

So, in a sense, I am the woman, but I-- What does that even mean?

It means that you roll your eyes at the wacky, hilarious things the boys say.

Well, I won't be rolling them much then.

Yes, you will, so give it a try.

- Uh-uh. More. -

No. More. I want full circles.

If I do it any more, I'll detach my retinas.

Then detach them.

- What? - Please, Mr. Silversides.

This isn't how we did things with Dick.

He taught us to be kind and free and true to who we are.

Yeah, but I hate who you are.

- I mean, it's nothing personal. - Mmm. That does sound quite personal.

Oof. Are you missing him?

- Yeah. - You wanna leave?

- Mmm, little bit. - Okay. Off you go.

But how long do you think a stupid lump like you would survive alone out there

before being ground up into piggy feed?

Lump?

Look, Nell, say something.

Just do what he says, guys.

Tommy's the leader now, so...

Thank you, the woman.

Much better, Nell.

Okay, maintain eye contact.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Round! Work those hips. Feel the burn.

Keep pushing down.

Forward. Back. Forward. Back.

One. Double-time.

Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster.

- Hands in the air. - Don't move!

- This is a robbery. - Stand and deliver.

Come on! Projection! Enunciation!

This is a performance.

Give it some oomph.

It's flat. It's flat!

It's flat.

Can you not hear yourselves?

Again.

What are you doing? Guys, stop.

What are you doing? You're not robbing me again, are you?

Hey! I thought we were friends!

Sorry, Craig. Boss's orders.

Hey, don't go in that drawer! That's my private drawer!

- It's private! - Not anymore.

I've reported you to the Warlock Council for unlicensed enchanting.

Oh, yeah? No worries.

Say good night, my friend.

- Sleep bomb! -

Give it a little minute. It might still work.

- Get him out. - Moose! Honesty!

What am I gonna do for money?

You can't do this. Where's Dick?

Thank you for coming.

It's people like you who inspire me to just keep robbing people like you.

I've just found my next target.

I should've known when you became a highwayman, you'd end up behind bars.

Dad, am I really here?

Or am I hallucinating?

I've only eaten moss for a week.

You're dreaming, Son.

I'm just a pig-meat of your imagination.

Yeah, this must be a dream.

There's no way you'd eat a carrot in real life.

You let fame get to your head, Son.

Didn't listen to your gang when they warned you of the danger,

and now they're out there alone.

- I know. I'm a bit worried about them. - I wouldn't be.

If they really cared, they would've rescued you by now.

But it's not that simple. They don't know where I am.

If they really cared, they would've found out where you are.

Well, should we give them a bit more time?

- Yeah, but if they really cared-- - Yeah, all right.

They don't care. I'm getting it.

Listen, my gang will find me, and they'll rescue me,

and then Dick Turpin will ride again.

I mean, it'll be slightly harder.

I'm just a head now, but I'll find a way.

Carol and Sue.

Benny, what are you doing here?

This is the weird bit before you wake up.

The Ruin. Economic hub of Hempstead.

It is the perfect target.

High cash turnover, multiple income streams, run by a child.

Yeah, I mean, we can't rob The Ruin. It's the only decent pub around.

Plus, Little Karen is our friend.

Right, guys?

You were right before, Nell.

We should just listen to Tommy.

Tommy's a wise leader.

Wh-What have you done to them?

I've just won them round with my charismatic leadership.

And I don't let them sleep.

But Moose needs 16 hours a day to function.

He's like a basset hound.

No, he needs to do what I say.

What's this, Moosey? There's a good boy. Yes.

Ah. Gently.

- - There we are.

See that? I'm the big-boy leader.

Numéro un. That's French again.

Come on now, give in, yeah?

Let these Silver-suds wash over you.

No.

I will not be Silversudded.

We are nice highwaymen with panache.

Low violence, high pay.

Oh, my God. What have I become?

You know the deal, Nell.