Happy Endings

Here's to the one year anniversary of you running out on our wedding.

At least we're finally using the free honeymoon.

Yeah, not exactly what I thought we'll be using it.

Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary!

I'm glad you all could be here to commemorate the worst day of my life.

No. I thought the worst day was he didn't get pulled on stage at that Spin Doctors concert.

Or when your mom substitute thought our sex ed class.

what about the day when stopped making you wear your visorupside down?

I thought the worst day was the day you got the haircut you currently have right now.

Remember that time when I got my shirt caught..

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why am I participating in this?

- Who wants an oyster? - Me. - Me. - Me.

No. None for me. I'm extremely allergic to shellfish.

Ah, yes. She gets all puking and I gotta take care of her all night which I find very rewarding.

Wait, wait, wait, keep them away from Dave also because he's super allergic.

Yeah. Super allergic.

Why **? This is too much work.

Penny, you're sweet but so so dumb.

You want to eat your oysters as soon as they've been shuked.

Now, when shucking an oyster you really wanna make sure that you get in there.

*** ahh!

You stabbed me, dude!

I stabbed you, dude!

- Oh my God. - Guys!

What do I do? I got it.

G-get my epipen. It's in my purse. On the chair. Okay.

Somebody get this knife out of me! Oh, God. Ohh.

I got it! I got it!

I got it. What do I do?

Dave. Dave, Dave, Dave! You can't touch shellfish either.

Oh, right.

What do I do? I only have one shot!

Throat's closing up.

Oh, my God!

Aah! What do I do?!

Oh, all right! Okay! I'm not allergic to shellfish.

What?

D-- Oh, God. Here comes the puke.

Well, why did you lie?

When you do it, it makes me... I know. I know. I know.

I-I can't hear the sound.

Okay, everybody chill!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Ohh. Ohh.

Oh!

Oh. Ohh.

Should we order a movie?

"Lincoln Lawyer." I love these opening credits.

Ladies and gays, welcome to my new home!

Excuse me, but Max is the only gay aqui.

I don't know. A lot of people think you're on the low.

This is surprisingly nice. Hmm?

Agreed. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. It's two bedrooms,

2 1/2 baths, Italian marble countertops.

In a word, amah-zing.

- Oh, just gonna ride that into the ground, huh? - Again?

- No, please stop. - No.

Guys, it's always been my dream to be a homeowner,

and I decided, why do I have to wait to get married

to buy my first place?

We are so proud of you.

This is gonna be the year of Penny.

Who wants to twirl with me?

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

Hooray!

What?

Oh, now a brother can't twirl?

Dude, you psyched for movie night?

I got all the best black-and-white classics.

I got "Lethal Weapon," "Trading Places,"

"Beverly Hills Cop."

No, "Beverly Hills Cop" is black and white and white.

What about "men in black"?

No, that's black and white in black.

What about "Erin Brockovich"?

That's just white as hell.

"Royal Tenenbaums"?

Come on, bro.

That's white, white, white, white,

white, white, white, white, white,

black...

Brown...

Then wack.

- Damn, trick. - Listen, man,

I'm not gonna be able to make it to movie night.

Just gotta work late.

What? This is, like, the third time

you bailed on me in two weeks.

We never get to hang out anymore.

Dude, it's just getting crazy over there, you know?

Is this 'cause I stabbed you? I said I was sorry.

You did not say you were sorry.

I did say-- I said I was s--

No, you said, "comme ci comme ca.

"That was pretty cool how it went in your leg.

I thought there would be more blood."

That's my version of an apology, and it's pretty heartfelt.

Come on. Let's hang out.

Come on. I don't do well when I'm alone.

So... How's Penny's new place?

Oh, it's awesome, but you're probably allergic to it.

Listen, Al, I only lied to you because I didn't have

the heart to tell you that your jambalaya

is the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted.

- No offense. - Offense.

Guys, every couple has little lies they tell each other.

I mean, not Brad and me. We're perfect, but my point is--

Last year Brad bought a motorcycle, crashed it,

and then sold the parts to his cousin Randall.

Pfft. (Laughs) I knew that.

I mean, he is a... wild hog.

Anyway, you two have a chance to start over as friends,

- so why don't you just clean the slate... - Uh...

- And just be honest with each other from now on? - I guess we could try.

Trust me, you will feel better.

Okay. Um... Yeah.

I never really liked your goatee.

Oh. Didn't-- Was not really aware of that.

Um... okay. Uh, I don't really love your favorite perfume.

I hate your mom.

Oh, ho ho ho! Uh...

Okay. (Chuckles) Well...

Okay, I think that's a...

- No. No, no, no. - Good start for today.

She wants to play. I can play.

All right.

I'm not really afraid of dogs.

I was just afraid of what would happen to a dog

if you owned one.

Okay.

You know those stupid webbed barefoot running socks?

They weren't bad for your calves.

They were bad for my ability to want to have sex with you.

Ohh!

That's funny.

Okay. Richard Gere is not a hurricane Katrina denier.

- What? - Yeah.

I just said that to you so we didn't have to watch

"pretty woman" for the 74th time.

Well, you know your friend Glazer?

He didn't actually steal my bra and sell it on craigslist.

I just couldn't spend another Sunday

- watching you two play frolf. - Frolf?

Frisbee golf. Frisbee golf.

Okay, you know that thing under your mantel

that I told you was a tiny brick closet?

It's actually a working fireplace.

I was afraid you were gonna burn the building down.

Okay, well, I hated that song you wrote for me.

"Love to the power of love"? You said it made you cry.

It was 12 minutes long, oh, and terrible.

- Oh, you want to know terrible? - Yeah.

That stupid hula-hoop dance that you do.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah, this one here, where I take the hula-hoop,

and I put it on, and I do this,

and I shake it,

- shake it, shake it? - Still terrible.

Bring it up. On the neck. Look, I take it to the neck.

- Hey, let's-- Let's... - And you don't like this?!

- Hoop it on down. - You don't like this?!

Hoop it on down.

Wow! That was healthy.

God, now that you guys aren't together,

you are able to sing your songs and hoop around

and watch your Gere movies and play your frolf.

I mean, whew. You feel great?

Yeah. I feel great.

I might get bangs. Mm.

No, I'm not. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not. Jane, you crazy.

You know, I'm gonna go back to work.

Go to work!

Thanks for helping me pick out this lamp, Jeremy.

Thanks for your number.

Thanks for asking for it.

I'd say this afternoon has been il...

Luminating.

Okay, we're gonna quit while you're behind.

'Cause it's a lamp.

- Yeah. - See?

Year of Penny is firing on all cylinders.

I buy a condo to prove I don't need a guy

to get on with my life-- Boom!

I meet a guy I wouldn't have met if I hadn't bought a condo

to prove I don't need to get on with my life.

We get it. You have a condo.

Well, it's a pretty big deal.

What the hell?

What?

Brad said he was gonna be working late.

So?

So if that's work, then I should be considered one

of "Chicago business" weekly's top 30 under 30.

He's just hanging with some guys.

Don't make a big deal out of this.

Are you gonna make a big deal out of it?