The Simpsons

*THE SIMPSONS*

*THE SIMPSONS* I got a few days left!

D'oh!

Haw-haw!

*THE SIMPSONS* Season 31 Episode 11

Episode Title : "Hail to the Teeth"

Sync corrections by srjanapala

Hey, little lady.

You'd be a lot prettier if you smiled.

What? Who are you?

I'm a man.

So I know what I'm talking about.

Smile and you'll be a lot more popular.

Are you serious?

You know I'll remember this forever, right?

Well, that's what therapy's for.

And he told me I wouldn't be pretty

unless I smiled.

Sweetie, you are very pretty.

And thanks to the puberty app

on my phone, we can see

what lies ahead.

Wait. This can't be real.

I already had braces.

Oh. Well, I-I'm afraid you have to get them again.

The man we thought was your orthodontist

was actually a rogue periodontist.

Rogue periodontist.

This family cheaps out on everything.

Homer took me to a "psychiatrist."

After three sessions, I figured out

it was a goat with glasses.

Never went b-a-a-a-ck.

Braces? Again?

Why am I, the only one in this family

who needs braces?

Don't look so smug, boy.

Let's try this app on you.

Hello, Aaron Eckhart. Prrrrr!

Whoa-ho! Puberty!

Let's see what comes next.

Cool.

Homie, look. We got this in the mail today.

Aw, what is it?

Did I get drunk and buy useless stuff

on eBay again?

Let's get more.

Hello, Simpsons.

It's me, Artie Ziff,

in pre-recorded form.

So you can't talk to me.

I can't?

No, you can't.

Pause for laughs.

And thank you.

Artie Ziff? Isn't that the rich guy

who could have been our dad?

I am the only man your mother has ever been with,

and she doesn't have a single regret.

- Well... - You stay out of this, Marge!

Great news: I'm getting married, and you're invited!

- Oh. - Why, you ask, am I getting married?

I've found my soul mate!

Jealous?

April 12th, very rich man's wedding.

Regrets only.

Chicken or fish.

Or vegan.

Bye!

So, what else is in the mail?

We got a flyer from Lowe's!

Three-quarter plywood.

$20 a sheet!

I'm a-comin'!

Oh, I don't have a car.

You're not really thinking of going, are you?

That jerk kept trying to break us up.

Now, I am sensing conflicted feelings.

If you come, I promise you

a wonderful time.

Champagne, caviar,

deep-fried ice sculptures, a guy who guesses your weight,

who always guesses low!

Thank you.

And now to celebrate, here's Tupac Shakur!

How do you turn this off?

There's no off to the Artie show.

- I decide when... - Please set me free.

Oh, here it is.

God bless you.

Now everyone's favorite: Rinse and spit.

And I'm done... with the top braces.

We'll put the bottoms in next week.

And after that, just a lifetime

of wearing retainers.

Well, they're practically invisible.

I can't close my mouth.

The brackets are holding up your lips at the edges.

They'll adjust. The main thing is you're happy.

I'm not happy.

Have a little nitrous.

Oh, they should revoke your license. Ha!

More, please.

- That's enough. - No, it's not!

Yeah, give me that.

I thought your name is "Kidzrule."

Shortened from "Kidzrulovitch,"

which is Romanian for "kill all the children."

Hmm.

That elevator has the capacity for 32 people!

We brought a rhino up here last week.

Hmm.

Hmm.

- Hmm! - My headaches are so bad.

Jealous?

Feet.

You're one in a million.

Literally. Don't fall off the roof.

Homer Simpson!

The man who beat me to planet Marge.

You've done all right for a billionaire.

Hey, I'm not made of money.

Although, actually I am.

After my parole, I got rich

selling fireplace logs that look like cash,

i.e., Money to Burn.

That is the greatest.

It says "Money to Burn."

It looks like you're burning money!

Yes, that's the idea.

No, no, no.

It's so funny. Don't you get it?

Of course get it. I thought of it.

No, no, no. Listen, it says "Money to Burn,"

but it's actually...

I know! I know! Talk to someone else.

Hey, pal, you're a news guy. Give it to me straight.

Is this wedding on the level?

Here's the scoop. It's legit!

In other news, local newsman hopes

to score with caterer.

This just in: she knows I'm married.

Coming up at 11:00: nothing.

Now, Homer, as this is a bachelor party,

I want to show you something.

But, uh, no word to the wives.

How did you meet your wife, by the way?

Usual: boy meets girl, girl meets bank account.

Now, shut your eyes.

You've never seen a body this enticing.

Oh! Exactly what I imagined!

Food coma. He'll be fine.

Huh?

Hmm.

Hey, girlfriend!

Uh, who, me?

Lisa, did you get your eyebrows waxed?

You look amazing!

I don't have eyebrows.

Well, check out these twin caterpillars.

Huh? Huh?

What's going on?

Her smile makes me feel full,

like I actually ate dinner last night.

If you never eat, how come you're so fat?

-Ooh! - Ow!

Americans can be fat and poor.

That's what makes us so great.

And so, after saving Wilbur,

Charlotte crawled off to die,

as all barn spiders do in the fall.

Bravo, Lisa.

What a positive note on which to end the class.

Positive? Positive?

Charlotte died alone at the saddest place on Earth,

an empty fairground.

Well, your smiling face made dying alone fun.

And believe me, that's where I'm headed.

So as long as I'm smiling,

it doesn't matter what comes out of my mouth?

Or your nose.

I don't need these anymore.

This'll go good in Willie's stew.

Can it really be that people are this shallow?

Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!

And am I shallow enough to enjoy this?

Ah! I am!

I'm so happy, I could sing!

Ow, ow, ow.

That really hurts with the braces.

- Take your pick. - What is it?

No idea. The labels are in Spanish.

- Hey, gorgeous. - Hey, Bart.

Lisa? Oh, yuck! I didn't know that was you.

It's the smile.

It's totally changed how people see me.

Well, I just want you to know,

you'll always be gross to me.

Oh, thank God. I was having doubts,

trying to figure out if this is sexist.