Mike & Molly

Isn't this great?

A hot bowl of soup and sportscenter.

Doesn't get better than this, does it?

please tell me that's not true.

I'm just saying, it's nice to be at that point

In our relationship where we don't have to get dressed up

And go out every night.

No, I think it's great

That we're this comfortable with each other.

But that doesn't mean

We're never gonna leave the house again, does it?

***

Hey, pancake.

Is your mom ready?

Yes, vince, she was ready over an hour ago.

What can I tell ya? I was unavoidably detained.

What happened, they extend the two-for-one

Lap dance special at the boob shack?

Don't kid yourself,

That two-for-one deal's a racket.

They don't mean two broads, they mean two songs.

And you couldn't take a minute to call my mother?

I was stuck in traffic!

Plus, I don't like cellular phones.

Read somewhere that it numbs your nads.

And at my age, boners are like money.

You really have no filter at all, do you?

Mom! Prince charming's here!

Oh, the thrilla in manila.

You know, I was there.

The ali-frazier fight? That must've been amazing.

Oh,yeah.

Manila's a great town.

For 20 bucks, you can get a broad,

A silk suit and a steak the size of a fat baby.

Hey, vin.

Don't you look handsome tonight.

Ooh! And look at you.

If the couch potatoes weren't here,

I'd take you on the rug right now.

Oh, by the way, have you thought about my offer?

Vin wants to buy me breast implants.

Isn't that generous of him?

Oh, yeah, always thinking of others.

Hey, I'll use 'em as much as she will.

Night.

Be careful walking in those heels.

The only thing I want you pulling is me.

Oh, god! That man just repulses me.

Why?

Why? Are you kidding me?

He's a horny little piglet with a pinky ring.

My mom deserves a decent man who's loving,

And respectful and, you know, pays attention to--

Pow! There goes the mouthpiece!

You know, like what I've got.

Now that's more like it.

So, I guess you're officially done courtin' me, huh?

Look, tomorrow night, I promise we're out

To a nice dinner and a movie afterwards.

Promise to keep your pants buttoned?

Boy, it's never enough with you, is it?

What did I tell you, they haven't budged.

Well, we had a wonderful night.

We ate moroccan food.

Oh!

A little spicy for my taste.

I hope it cools down before it bids me adieu.

And vin knows the owner, so we got free lamb kabobs,

And a belly dancer came right up to our table.

Swell-lookin' broad.

Little long in the tooth,

But her rack hasn't completely tear-dropped yet.

What is it with you?

Were you not breast fed as a child?

Joyce: Hey, vin,

I'm gonna go up and run a hot bath and light a few candles,

If you care to join me.

You kiddin'?

Between the viagra, the belly dancer

And watchin' you eat with your fingers,

I got enough lumber to build a coffee table.

Meet you upstairs.

Go ahead and start the engine.

I'll be up in a minute to back it out of the driveway.

What does that even mean?

Hey, mikey, if you're interested,

I got a couple extra bull tickets

For tomorrow night's game.

Against boston? I thought that game was sold out.

My moroccan pal gave me his season tickets.

A little payback for getting him a deal on rat traps.

The quiet kind, so they don't freak out the customers.

Oh, man, bulls-celtics! I'm in.

Mike, I thought you and I had plans for tomorrow night.

We can go to a stupid movie anytime.

We're talking about the bulls and the celtics.

Third row behind home bench.

And I rented a limo.

Oh, my god! Third row behind home bench!

And he rented a limo!

Just consider it a thank-you for keeping the streets safe

From all the perverts and scumbags.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go throw her mom one in the bathtub.

Where do you keep your gun-- is at home or in the car?

Can you believe this? Third row.

You're actually going?

Well, there's two tickets. We can both go.

No, I'm not taking anything from that man.

He's just trying to worm his way into my family.

And what a great way to do it.

Third row. Bulls tickets.

Welcome to the family, vince moranto.

All right, if you feel comfortable

Taking what is clearly a bribe,

Then, by all means, have a good time.

I'm a cop.

People give me free stuff all the time

And I don't do squat in return.

That's what would make it a bribe.

I'm not going.

But if you want to go, that's up to you.

You know what? Fine.

I won't go.

Really?

Sure, what the hell.

It's just a basketball game,

And I promised I'd take you to dinner and a movie.

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

Aw, come on! You gonna hold me to that?

Ah! What are you reading?

Book.

The sisterhood of the traveling pants?

Yes.

Wow, you're already halfway through it.

I started in the middle.

A good book can grab you anywhere.

Mike, I know you're upset with me.

What makes you think that?

Because you're pretending to read.

Hey, I can read.

I can't believe because you don't like vince,

I don't get to have any fun.

Look, I just don't trust the guy.

And I'm guessing the minute he gets what he wants from my mom,

He's out of here.

Oh, and you really think your mom's

Been holding something back?

Boy, that's not what I'm hearin' through the walls.

Mike, listen to me,

I'm not telling you you can't go to that game.

You're not?

No. That has to be your decision.

So whichever way I go, you'll be okay with that?

That's my decision.

You're killing me.

Samuel, let me ask you a question.

We come in here all the time, right?

If we covered you in vinyl, we could use you as a booth.

And once in a while,

You've been known to give us the occasional free meal.

And dessert, coffee to go,

Curbside service for when you're too lazy

To button your pants and come inside.

Right, right.

And in exchange, have we ever given you

Any extra protection or surveillance whatsoever?

I've never even heard a thank-you.

I rest my case.

I believe, once, we were even robbed

While you were sitting here eating your free oatmeal.

You see? Nobody can bribe mike biggs.

She doesn't like the guy, so I don't get to go to the game.

Crazy, right?

Yeah, it's crazy.

But your problem is you're trying to approach this thing

Using logic and common sense,

And that ain't the way women work.

So when she told me she didn't care if I went to the game...

She meant "if you do go to that game, don't bother coming home""

It's like when you offer me a bite of your dilly bar.

I know you don't mean it,

And I know you don't want me to have it.

That's true. I don't.

Look, in relationships, it's all about solidarity.

You gotta like who she likes and hate who she hates.

Even if it makes absolutely no sense at all?

Especially when it makes no sense.

That's when her convictions are the strongest.

I thought relationships were supposed to be

About give and take.

They are-- she gives you sex

And you take whatever crazy bs she throws at you.

I guess the bottom line is

I won't be sitting third row at tonight's bulls game.

Third row? Oh, man, that must hurt like a bitch.

But still, you gotta back your lady, no matter what.

I can't believe this.

I'm passing up two tickets to a bulls-celtics game.