The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

The one that got away.

The biggest heartache of my life was not

my husband and the father of my children leaving me,

it was never being able to truly land Manniford McClaine.

Yes, that was his real name,

and he was fabulous.

He was the captain of my high school football team.

He was the leader of the pack.

He had a jawline you could stab your sister with.

He was so gorgeous that

after years of having my mother tell me,

"Your virtue is a garden, keep it watered,

but behind a fence,"

I bring him over for dinner, she takes one look at him,

and suddenly it's like, "You know what?"

"It's not a high fence.

"Just hop on over."

Here, step on my hands, I'll give you a boost."

- -We almost went to prom together.

- Ooh! - As friends, but still.

Then his old girlfriend, Satan, moved back from Rhode Island

and they got back together, got married,

had four kids and bought a waterfront mansion

- in Oyster Bay. - Ooh!

Yes. And...

Hey, is there any more onion dip?

Shh!

Sorry.

Is there any more onion dip?

Continue, please.

Anyhow, the other day I picked up a newspaper

and there on the front page is a headline:

"Wall Street golden boy, Manniford McClaine,

caught with head of wife in trunk of car."

That's right.

Manniford murdered his wife,

then drove around with her head for an hour

before getting caught. I couldn't believe it.

It-it had to be some other Manniford McClaine.

But there he was, in the paper, handcuffed,

being perp-walked into the station.

And I just thought, "My God..."

he still looks fantastic."

No, I mean it,

better looking than high school. I know,

my first thought should've been, "Dodged that bullet."

Instead it was, "I don't know, he's single, I'm single."

If he beats this thing..."

- -Okay, I'm gonna stop talking now.

Harriet's brother is supposed to play something for us.

Tommy? Play me off!

Thank you.

Oh. Thanks.

Onion dip.

Vivian, you're out of glasses.

Thanks for pointing out the painfully obvious, Frederick.

Stay vigilant!

I think I'm in love with Frederick.

Frederick? He's with Letty in toiletries.

Letty dumped him days ago.

I heard he was in love with Carroll in the back office.

- Who's she? - He.

How very Grecian.

That is a terrible rumor to spread.

These are getting heavy.

Counter.

Use plastic cups next time.

Pay for 'em and I'll use 'em.

Give me that. Were you raised by bears?

Thanks, Mary.

Coming through!

Careful.

Watch it.

This is a balance issue, people.

Well done.

Oh, I'm so Dasen-offen-upsetten-gruber.

I'm sorry?

Fraulein, please help me. I'm so lost.

- I'm looking for the Reichstag. - The Reichstag?

You don't know this famous German building?

Gaudy, very big, and no elevator?

Oy, those steps will leave you uber-pooped! Ha.

You look very familiar to me.

- Do I know you? - No, no,

I just have one of those punims.

What's your name?

My name, well, it's Ay-Rolf...

that's the first name...

"Jawohl," that's it.

- Not very common. - Ay-Rolf.

Uh, and your last name?

Hitler... burg.

Well,

I've got to tell you, Mr. Ay-Rolf Hitlerburg,

you're a pretty long way from the Reichstag.

Well, that bitch Himmler sent me off completely unprepared.

Did I say "Himmler"?

I meant "Himmlerstein."

Well, what were his directions?

He said to take a left, and another left,

- and then the Third Reich. - "Right."

That's what I said: "Third Reich."

- "Right." - Glad you agree.

Well,

you are a long way from the fatherland.

Was is das?

Your German vocabulary's quite impressive, by the way.

- Danke. - You are in New York City.

New York City, interesting.

Any place you can recommend for a quick bite to eat?

I'm feeling a bit peckish.

Oh, well, there's an excellent deli around the corner.

Yeah, deli's not really my thing.

Okay, what do you like?

Whatever's fascist. Fastest!

Oy, what a day this has been.

Pizza's here! Everybody pay up!

So, I'm not really Ay-Rolf Hitlerburg.

Well, you had me fooled.

I'm Randall, Vivian's fifth favorite cousin.

Midge, Vivian's 34th best friend.

My what?

Nothing.

- Couple of comedians. - Are you?

- Am I what? - A comedian?

Oh, bad sign if you can't tell.

- No, you're hysterical. - I'll take your pity.

Yes, I've been at it a while. Almost made my living from it.

Got an agent, got a manager, toured, did a little TV.

In fact, I got to go.

- I got a set downtown in a half hour. - Oh.

Crappy time slot, but, oh, well.

- You ever try a brisket? - A brisket?

Personal joke.

See you again.

And don't be funny without me.

You can't have Randall, I'm in love with him.

He's your cousin, Vivian.

Twice removed.

Let's talk, sweetie.

Hey, Jack Webb. Do I look like someone who

would use anything you sell in this store?

Follow the men shopping for their mistresses.

It's bound to be more fun.

This is a personal favorite.

But this one's a little bit more dramatic.

You let me know if anything speaks to you.

Oh, I don't know.

I've never worn much makeup before.

This was my daughter's idea.

Blue would be a wonderful color on you.

I don't know.

- Which one is that again? - Mermaid Ice.

Would you like to try it on?

- I don't know. - Here.

My daughter said I should try more.

She says I should live a little before it's all over.

Before what's all over?

My life. She said it's a failure.

I don't participate; that's why my husband won't talk to me.

She's been very outspoken since she went to Radcliffe.

There.

What do you think?

I don't know.

Excuse me, is that Mermaid Ice?

I'm sorry, I'm in a big hurry. My man's coming over

and I am all out of my Mermaid Ice eye shadow.

And if I am not wearing that when he gets home,

all hell breaks loose.

- Really? - You kidding?

I couldn't get him to give me the time of day,

much less give me the, you know, time of day.

And then I came in here...

- you remember when I came in here? - I do.

You came in here and we talked about...

I told you my life was crap, you sold me the Mermaid Ice,

and now my life is a fat, fuzzy peach.

I mean, I-I'm going broke 'cause this stuff costs a fortune,

but, man, is it worth it.

- Well, my goodness. - Yeah.

If it worked for you...

- I'll take two. - Wonderful.

You will not be sorry.

Margo, would you mind ringing up Mrs. Winters

while I help my return customer over here?

Hello, I can help you right here.

Well, well, well.

Just call me the closer.

I'm a little surprised to see you.

Well, it's been a while and last time we...

words were said and...

So, you're sorry?

- Sure. - Good.

It's behind us.

So, this is where you hang out now?

Well, you know I never like to be more than

three feet from a lipstick.

I do.

It's a good job. The girls are really nice.

And there's a vending machine in the employee break room