Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Hey, Boyle,

I need a recommendation for a good restaurant.

It's Marcus' birthday and I want to do something...

Nice.

Ooh. Do you want like, classic, romantic?

- Or gastro-sensuous? - Ugh. Never mind.

I know those categories. You guys are talking dates.

Here's what you do:

Invite him over, order some fancy take out,

throw it in a pot, and act like you cooked it.

I got the idea from yahoo! Answers.

Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot. We're not married.

Mm-kay, you know what time it is?

Because my hoodie does.

Look at that. Mm.

I have either two or four words for you.

Drag queen.

Dim sum.

You're talking about this friday night?

Everything's gonna be booked.

We're only 72 hours out and we're still

in the brainstorming phase?

You gotta postpone.

You can't postpone a birthday, Amy.

But, if you can't get a reservation,

you can always go home and shampoo his hair.

Please stop always recommending that.

Well, it's always romantic.

You can go to the top of the empire state building,

that's every romantic.

Hm. Maybe I will.

You can pee on the whole city from up there.

Come on! What? Come on!

Take it.

Take it.

Come on!

This stupid machine won't take my dollar.

That's half a dollar taped to a pizza coupon.

It's good for a cheesy bread worth $2.50.

You would've made money on this deal, machine.

Hey, sarge, can I borrow a dollar?

No. No more loans.

You already owe me way too much.

The bank of Terry is closed.

What, are you sailing away on a tugboat?

Man, I love tugboats.

It's not a tugboat!

I'm locking the vault!

All right, fine, how much could I possibly owe you?

50, 60 bucks?

$2,437.

Dollars?

Wait, of course dollars, why was that the part

I was surprised by?

Jake, I would appreciate it if you paid me back.

Well, that's the craziest thing anyone's ever said to me.

"I would appreciate it if you paid me back"?

Good. So you heard it too.

I've been in debt to him forever

and he's never cared before.

Something's up.

I'm gonna drop everything and figure out

why he's acting weird.

Or you could just pay him what you owe.

Hilarious, Rosa.

Hilarious.

Santiago, whenever you can, please drop of those case files.

You got it, partner! Be right in!

"Partner"?

What is going on?

Is this a make-a-wish thing?

Are you dying?

Is it from loneliness?

I found a mistake in one of the Captain's old cases

and he asked me to work it with him.

As partners.

We're taking our relationship to the next level.

From awkward underling to awkward colleague.

This is a real ugly duckling story.

We're gonna bounce ideas off each other,

eat street meat while we stake-out some perp,

bond over burned coffee...

Santiago! Hm?

Now means now!

You got it.

See? He can't wait to work with me.

He's clearly pumped.

Hello, Terry.

I just thought I'd stop by and let you know

that I'm on my way to the bank.

That's right.

I'm gonna pay you back because I know your secret.

What are you talking about?

I don't have a secret.

Oh, really?

Fact the first:

After years of not caring about my debt,

you weirdly want me to pay you back now.

That implies to me that there is a sudden,

unexpected expense.

Or I got sick of waiting for you to do the right thing.

Not plausible.

You have endless patience for my shenanigans.

Fact the second:

You've had dentist appointments twice in the past two weeks.

No one goes to the dentist that much.

I haven't been in seven years.

You should go to the dentist, Jake.

Probably. My teeth hurt all the time.

Fact the third:

I'm really liking this "fact the" thing.

I think I'm gonna stick with it.

Fact the fourth:

I found this on your desk.

It's a list of names.

Nathaniel Jeffords, Alexa Jeffords...

Those are my cousins names.

Lies!

There is but one conclusion.

You, Terry Jeffords, are pregnant.

The names are baby names.

The dentist? An obstetrician.

And the money is for baby things.

Like diapers.

What are you talking about, man?

Yeah.

That is crazy. Yeah.

Damn it!

Does anybody else know?

No, just you, and your wife, and crash.

That's what I think you should name the baby.

Works for a boy or a girl.

Listen up, Jake.

We just found out Sharon is pregnant

and it's way too early to tell anyone.

This is a secret.

- Do you understand me? - Yeah.

Do you?

Do you understand me?

Oh, this got physical very quickly.

This is adult stuff, Jake.

Be serious!

Look, I promise I won't tell anyone, all right?

My lips are sealed.

Good.

Do I even weigh anything to you?

No.

It's like holding a couple of grapes.

Okay, partner, let's bang this out.

Should we grab a cup of coffee,

bounce some theories off each other...

I solved it already.

Oh...

Then should we grab a cup of coffee,

you could tell me what you found out and...

No, we can do it here.

The fires were set by Richard Wilcox,

the firefighter who was first on the scene

at all three fires.

Okay uh, now we just have to work backwards,

figure out why...

He was up for a promotion and wanted to look like a hero.

Yup.

But how are we gonna find this bastard?

After all these years, you know, it could take...

He owns a store.

I have the address.

Okay.

I could drive.

No, you don't know where we're going.

But if you'd like a cup of coffee,

there's an old bakery in that neighborhood.

The coffee there is terrible

but I would enjoy the nostalgia.

I love terrible coffee.

Now let's put away Richard Wilcox,

that no-good punk.

He's 86 years old.

You don't outgrow punk, sir.

There you are, sergeant.

Installment one of TBD.

1,200 bucks, that's everything I have.

You should also note it's all in singles

because it takes so many bills to fill up a briefcase.

Thanks, Peralta.

You know, it's nice to finally have someone

to share this secret with.

I'm pregnant, man!

Yeah! We're pregnant.

"We" because I convinced you not to get a vasectomy.

So if it wasn't for me, you'd have no penis.

You still don't know what a vasectomy is.

Hey, so listen, I was thinking,

now that I've proven I'm fiscally responsible,

how you feel about me being the godfather?

How about this?

You don't tell anyone about the pregnancy

for four weeks, and I'll think about you being the godfather.

Yes!

Oh also, I put a list of baby names in there.