American Housewife

- Punch Porsche red! - Ow!

Punch Porsche gray!

What are you two lunatics doing?

Playing Punch Buggy.

Every time you see a Volkswagen Beetle,

you yell out the color and punch someone.

But we made it Punch Porsche

because in Westport, there's more of those.

Punch Porsche red!

Ow! Punch Porsche gray!

Your turn, Mrs. Otto!

Ow!

Franklin, new rule.

Don't punch me or anybody I'm related to.

Unless it's Oliver

and he's talking about French cuffs.

Then go for it.

Wait, that Porsche isn't even gray.

Franklin, it's blue.

I'm colorblind, so everything looks gray to me.

Punch Porsche gray!

Anna-Kat needs some new friends.

Franklin talks weird, he dresses weird,

he even sees color weird.

He's like the Michael Jordan of not fitting in.

How about at lunch today, you don't sit by yourselves?

Invite some new people to join you.

Nah. I won't go into detail,

but kids don't like to watch Franklin eat.

Ugh. Damn it!

We're out of gas.

Taylor took the car out again without filling it up.

- Punch Porsche gray! - If you do it,

you better knock me out, 'cause I'm gonna punch back.

What you working on, Oliver?

I'm trying to come up with a topic

for my persuasive essay for Earth Day.

So far, I have "bring back plastic grocery bags."

How about writing about something

that's good for the planet, like recycling?

It's easy to be persuasive when you're talking

about something as sexy as saving Mama Earth.

Eh, recycling is out.

It's the fanny pack of causes.

No, recycling never falls out of fashion.

This woman does a podcast while kayaking

through the garbage island in the Pacific.

Every episode is just the sounds of her paddling as she sobs.

I'm gonna paddle right past that recommendation.

Oliver, you might want to think

about doing your paper on recycling.

I'd help you.

You'd get an "A" from your teacher,

and if you played your cards right...

a spot on the Recycling Committee.

You mean with you and three janitors?

And Bill Doty.

Taylor, get down here!

I just had to walk 10 miles, and I'm not happy!

It was three blocks.

You go to the petting zoo and say you saw a unicorn,

I back you up.

What happened?

We ran out of gas.

Because Taylor didn't fill the car up last night

after she used it.

I had to ditch it and walk Franklin home.

You should've checked the gas when you started the car.

Even beginner drivers know that,

and you're far from a beginner.

You old.

You want to go to this concert in New York with Trip,

but how can I trust you if you're not responsible enough

to fill the car up with gas?

With what? I don't have any money.

Good point.

So if you don't have money and you need money,

what do you do?

Become a YouTube star?

- Rob a bank? - Make counterfeit bonds?

At least no one said stripping.

No! You get a job!

Mom, Westport kids don't do that.

- Well, you're gonna. - That's not fair.

You put gas in the car and you don't have a job.

What did she just say to me?

Taylor, run!

Start a new life.

If you need to change your name, you look like a Jennifer!

Why are our kids so resistant to doing what's best for them?

I know. How do they think they've been alive this long...

making their own decisions?

Of course not. They're idiots.

Remember when Oliver was 6

and we told him that he couldn't ride a bike without a helmet

so he made one out of a Fruit Roll-up?

Idiots.

Yeah, they don't know what's good for them.

I'm gonna make sure Taylor gets a job.

And I'm gonna make sure Oliver writes his paper on recycling.

And I'm gonna get Anna-Kat new friends.

Hey, about the time that Taylor wanted

to run her track-and-field event with scissors

so she could cut the ribbon at the finish line?

Ugh. Idiot!

They're idiots.

All of them.

Mom said to give you this.

Now let's find some new kids

for Anna-Kat to be friends with.

Maybe her.

Next.

He looks nice.

But all sociopaths do.

Pass.

I don't even have to say why I don't like that kid.

Ooh. Todd and Mia Anderson.

Normal, fun, popular.

Just the kind of friends Anna-Kat needs forced on her.

Anna-Kat, why don't you play

with Todd and Mia at recess today?

They seem nice.

But I'd miss Franklin's vacant stare

and giant nose-bubbles.

I love Franklin. Love him.

But sometimes when you play friendship roulette,

you got to scatt the chips on some other numbers.

Mama, when it comes to friendship roulette,

I always bet on gray.

Aww.

Still, kid's weird.

And with a million plastic bottles bought every minute,

recycling might be our last hope.

Wow, Dad.

- Great stuff, really. - See?

You were a little reluctant at first,

but now you know the high I feel

every time I sink one into that beautiful blue bin.

I hear you.

Don't tell your mother,

but I've been saving up to adopt a highway.

- You in? - I'm good.

I think I have everything I need.

In fact, the first sentence is already coming to me.

Say no more. Go get 'em, son.

Change some minds.

I think I will.

I want Anna-Kat to set her sights higher,

so I arranged for two new kids to join our carpool...

Todd and Mia Anderson.

Ooh, the Anderson twins.

How'd it go?

Let's just say, what a feeling.

Take it, Todd!

Nice pipes, Todd!

Hit it, Franklin!

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America.

Oh, Franklin, you are always on.

Soon, Anna-Kat will be best friends with Todd and Mia,

and her social circle will keep expanding,

and then her friends will be...

I'm sorry, Doris, am I boring you?

I always tune out the Anna-Kat stuff.

How's the blonde one with the hot boyfriend?

What's her deal?

I'm forcing her to get a job against her will.

Just one job?

White parents are so soft.

How does Taylor feel about having to get a job?

Well, Angela, as her mother,

I don't care how she feels about it.

You're terrible.

Yeah, Mom, you're terrible.

Taylor, what are you doing here?

I got a job like you told me.

I'm your waitress.

But this is where I go

to get away from you and the other two.

Mom, if I would've known I could only get jobs at places you wouldn't be,

I would've applied at a bookstore.

Ooh-hoo, slam! Katie don't read!

She doesn't read at all.

- Good one. - Mnh-mnh.

What can I get you?

A toast to Taylor,

our first child getting her first job.

I've had jobs.

You've had schemes, Oliver.

We don't toast to schemes.

Waitressing is so fun.

And it's perfect because I have first period free,

so I can do the morning shift without missing class.

I'm so proud of you.

Give her the old fake smile.

Hold it.

I am so good at this.

And you are going to love this.

At work, they have a nickname for Mom.

"Flannels and Flapjacks?"