The Book of Job

Um.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

Uhh...

it's been...

I don't even know, that's how long it's been.

I don't know if I'm doing this right, am I...

Am I doing this right?

Um.

Hello?

Yes, my child?

Um, I should probably start with, uh...

Is that you, Job?

Yes, Father Bentley.

Oh, well this is a pleasant surprise.

You know, I haven't seen you since that...

that weird play that I...

Uh, yeah, yeah, I was actually gonna bring that up here.

Oh, okay.

So, um,

what sins have you come to confess today?

Pride.

Lust.

Idolatry.

- Being an asshole. - Eh, language!

Oh, I'm sorry, I...

Ha, I'm just joshing ya.

I really don't give a damn.

All right, so, uh,

let's have at it.

I'm all ears.

Well, we should probably go back to the first day of school.

I mean, that's going back a bit,

so I might get some of the details wrong, but...

The first day of school was fantastic.

- And why is that? - It was senior year.

I was done with all the tests and college applications,

and crap like that, so it would just be a year

of coasting along and doing whatever I wanted.

I see.

Ah, Maria.

She's a wonderful mom.

That's my mom.

It looks great, Mom.

That's what moms do.

It seems pretty silly now to actually

be excited to go to school, but that's how I felt.

- Morning, Father Bentley! - Morning, Job.

Hey, that's me.

It's Job.

Hey, mailman, keep on, uh, delivering that mail, man.

That's my job.

- Yo, hold up, is that Job? - It is!

- Job! - Job!

Job! Job! Job! Job...

Oh, my God, it's Job!

Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, my God, Job.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

Yo!

Benjamin, Benjamin,

the man with the plan...

jamin.

- How are you? - Hi, Job.

- You ready for the day? - Uh, yeah, let's do it.

This is your agenda for the day.

First class is AP English, followed by European History.

Sounds good, sounds good.

Lunch is at 12:30 in the cafeteria.

- What do you wanna eat? - Uhh, I think I'll just

have a little bit of everything, yeah.

The day could not have been going better.

I mean, what more could I ask for?

Wait, did I mention it was my birthday?

It's pretty crazy, right?

A little too crazy.

I assume you're...

embellishing things a bit?

Okay, I mean, well, you get the point.

Well, I guess so.

So, was there anything else important that happened?

Yeah, there was.

Okay, so who's this one... is this one from you?

Oh, I know, you always have the most...

Job Dugan.

Please report to Principal Vanderbilt's office.

Job Dugan.

I can't make a decision until I know more about it.

I'll advise the administration to follow up on it.

Mhm.

Okay, bye-bye.

First day of school and there's already drama.

Yes, well, speaking of drama,

your friend Sasha submitted this for the fall theater production.

Catchy title.

What's the problem, too many F-bombs,

little nip slip?

Became apparent that all the characters in her story

were based on various faculty members

and students at the school.

If you look at the cast list,

there's a Coach Titus,

a failed football player who only succeeded as a tight end

- when it came to his rear end. - I wonder

if I'm in here somewhere.

Knowing your history with Ms. Berringer,

I wanted to know if you had any part in writing this.

What? Uh, no, no, this is all new to me.

- Is it? - It is, I mean,

I wish I'd come up with some of this stuff,

but I didn't.

Well, suffice it to say that

the school will not be producing this.

I've already spoken to Sasha and let her off with a warning.

Sweet, coolio.

Can I keep this?

Just don't let Coach Midas see it.

Okay, awesome.

So,

who's happy to see me?

It was total bullshit.

Okay, yeah, I wrote about everyone at school

and I shat all over them, like, a lot.

But, that's not the point, it...

it's supposed to be tongue-in-cheek.

I mean, it criticizes that way of thinking,

that kind of negativity, ya know?

- Who are you texting, huh? - Oh, I was just texting Benjamin

about how you said Mr. Decklin

dreams of being in Dickland.

What, I thought it was funny, what?

Look, I even wrote "LOL" in all caps.

And I know Todd is going to get it now.

Yeah, yeah.

Screw Todd, Todd sucks.

How did you work on this all summer without telling me?

I mean, I could've ragged on so many of these people.

Okay.

Why are you still looking at that?

Haven't found my character yet.

Oh, that reminds me, you egomaniac.

Whoa, I was just...

Here, take.

- Really? - Happy birthday.

What? It's practical.

- You don't wanna come over? - No, I will.

I'm just a little frazzled right now.

Okay, just 'cause Vanderbutt put the kibosh on your play

- doesn't mean it's bad. - I guess.

I mean it, plus we can start working on something

for the spring.

Yeah, maybe.

Jeez, yeah, you are frazzled.

Okay, yeah, go home and unfrazzle yourself.

Okay, I'll call you.

Mom?

Hey, Chuck.

That's marvelous, Jim, the same old form

but 10 years ago, eh?

Hey, Jerry, I want you to meet Jim Thorpe.

- My nephew, Jerry Miner, Jim. - Hello, Jerry.

Hello.

Good timing.

This is the best part.

Already?

Did you clean your room yet?

Nope.

Look, I know it's your birth...

What are you doing?

- I don't believe you. - What, I was hungry, whoa!

Yeah, well now you're not gonna eat your dinner.

I will, I will do that!

I will be hungry again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- If I doubt that you could... - How about you hush?

No, I remember all this.

Yeah, I remember how we almost died.

Hey, this was your idea,

and there wasn't even a ghost.

You were glad there wasn't a ghost.