Better Off Ted

Veridian Dynamics.

Every day, something we make makes your life better.

Power- we make that.

Technology- we make that.

Cows- Well, no. We don't make cows.

Although we have made a sheep...

and medicines...

and airplane engines...

and whatever this is...

and all sorts of things.

Veridian Dynamics.

Every day, something we make makes your life better-

usually.

Veridian Dynamics. Life. Better.

I have the best job in the world.

We want to make a metal that's as hard as steel...

but can bounce like rubber... and is edible.

We can do that.

I'm the head of a research and development department...

for one of the largest companies in America-

- Veridian Dynamics. -

Veronica's my boss.

We need a mouse that can withstand temperatures up to 195 degrees.

We can do that.

Uh, computer mouse or a live mouse?

I'll get back to you.

Every day there's something new waiting to be discovered.

- - Computer mouse.

Easier.

We do everything: industrial products, biomedical...

- cryogenics, defense technology. -

We want to weaponize a pumpkin.

Then so do I. Because?

There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins...

and would welcome additional uses for them...

as well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.

Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.

Pie.

Halloween and pie.

I've been at Veridian three years. Last year I got a promotion.

Now I run a team of some of the smartest people in the world.

Whoa.

There we go.

Okay, people. We need to turn this simple, festive gourd into a killer.

I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how nature does it...

because nature is a fantastic killer of things.

- Dr. Bamba. - Thank you.

Nature attacks and annihilates the pumpkin with powdery mildew disease...

which can be mutated and designed to attack human cell structure...

causing enemy soldiers to grow a magnificent soft downy coating and die...

as mold.

- Oh, my God. - Spores in uniforms.

I think we get the picture.

Uh, Cindy, Lester, Jerry, you're with Dr. Bamba on this.

The rest of you, you're welcome.

Ted, the drones working on the spy drone came up with this cheap fabric.

Find another use for it.

It's a good texture, coloration. Maybe a breakfast meat.

Are you serious? We want to be in that business.

No. You have to lighten up.

Maybe I'm too funny.

Maybe I was joking about not getting your joke.

Um-

This is Lem.

He's a genius.

Seriously.

For 10 years, Lem has been research partners with...

Phil, who's also a genius.

I'm so angry about the toilet paper. Why couldn't they leave it next to the toilet?

That proximity was so elegant.

They think if it's harder to reach that we'll use less of it.

They've destroyed going to the bathroom for me.

Used to be just a weird human function. Now it's actively stressful.

Okay, look. Just take the roll off of the dispenser...

and bring it with you before you sit.

- That's what I do. - That's not normal, Phil.

It becomes normal... if you keep doing it.

Everything does.

Look, you can put up with their crap if you want to. That's fine. That's who you are.

But I'm not like that. I'm a fighter. lfight stuff like this.

No, you don't.

Shut up, Phil. I would if I thought I could win.

No. Because remember, there was that thing last week...

that you thought you could win and you still didn't fight?

Remember?

- With the sandwich? - Yeah. I should've fought that.

- I thought so. - Hey, fellas.

See if you can make this fabric into a line of office chairs.

It's very strong and, well, dark.

Do you think I don't fight injustice enough?

Is this about the sandwich?

Because I think instinctively you knew you wouldn't have won that.

- Your mom's tough. - She once killed a bat with a People magazine.

That is tough.

But one thing she's not, someone who can create something out of nothing.

Like you can. So make me an office chair.

- He's a better man than you. - Agreed.

The next step for any product is testing.

Testing is one of the things Linda does for us.

People are squirming. The fabric's not comfortable.

Squirming, or...

are they just enjoying it so much they want their whole body to rub against it?

Ted, I know you're an R & D legend with magical R & D powers...

but the chair, just no.

Never give up. That's what I always tell my daughter.

She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can't...

because that would be giving up.

- Look at these numbers. - You scared me.

What's with the creamer?

Nothing. They're mine. What's up?

Productivity increased when people used the chairs.

I like creamer. I've only worked here six months. Is there a rule about that I should know?

When people can't get comfortable, they don't daydream or get distracted.

So, they're more productive.

And more filled with hate.

And the scratchier the fabric...

the more uncomfortable people are...

and the harder they work.

Get it off me!

Get it off me! Get it off!

Up to a point, then they go mad.

Is it wrong to invent a deadly pumpkin?

Or an irritating chair that makes people work harder?

Thing is, work's not about right and wrong.

It's about success or failure.

- Your department's using too much creamer. - Does it matter?

It's not Katrina, but it is a problem.

Ted, there's been a spill- Oh, hi, Veronica. It's nothing.

Hi, Phil. Actually, you're the reason I'm here.

- Oh, really? - Yes. You can go now.

- But, uh- - I'm here to talk about you, not to you.

I'm sorry.

We want to freeze Phil.

Excuse me?

Phil. The company wants to cryonically freeze him.

Just for a year, to see if it's possible. We think it is.

You think it's possible?

Yes, Mr. Negative, we do. We have developed a chemical...

which allows us to rapidly freeze live animal tissue without it exploding.

And, fingers crossed, we're ready for human testing.

Your presentation sucks. And why Phil?

Well, for P.R. reasons, they want an employee.

And in the unlikely event something goes wrong...

well, there are people here we would, you know, miss more.

Well, you be sure to tell him that when you try to get him to do it.

I see where this is going.

Your guys will do anything for you, Ted. They've got-

What's that thing again? Underlings have it. Loyalty!

This is huge for us. You need to make it happen.

Well, I'll try. But Phil hates the cold and he freaks out in small spaces...

so this assignment is not ideal for him.

Yeah. Well, they originally suggested Lem.

But freeze the black guy? They're not stupid.

If I'm gonna ask Phil to do something potentially dangerous...

I need to make sure that it's potentially safe.

So I've asked Linda to check out the data.

No. The zebra and the toaster are friends.

- - I have to go.

No. That makes the toaster too mean. He's not a sociopath.

He just doesn't want to make toast anymore.

Hi. Is that a new shirt?

Oh, that's cool. Let's pretend that that phone call wasn't odd.

I'm trying to write a children's book.

My illustrator doesn't get... just most of it.

Well, what's, uh, not to get?

A toaster that doesn't wanna make toast.

And, of course, there's a zebra.

You do the same thing every day. You please everyone around you. At some point you say...

"Making toast is fine. It's opened some doors. But I need more."

"So I'm running away. I don't know how.

I'm plugged into a wall. I don't have legs. But I'm doing it."

You totally get the toaster...

and his complicated love/hate relationship with the outlet.

Who has all the power.

Ted. That's lame.

You laughed.