Stan Against Evil

Previously on "Stan Against Evil."

What is that thing growing up by the station?

When the first flowers bloom, the portal will open,

and the Land of the Dead

shall corrupt the Land of the Living

for time without end.

Should we get a new map now?

Constable Eccles was the only witch.

Did you ever think that it might be possible

to save the life of someone you lost?

I can go back and save Claire.

I got to figure out how to travel back a year

to save my wife, and the only way

I'm going to be able to do that

is if I find this guy, Gerard DuQuette.

She has much milk in her this morning.

When I think of how much money

this milk will fetch at market,

it's as if her teats were full of diamonds.

I know if my manly bosom could produce diamonds,

I would fill bucket after bucket.

Of precious, precious man-boob diamonds.

You're out of milk.

Let's do this.

These, uh...

These are the eyeballs of that thing.

It came up out of Evie's grave and tried to kill us.

Looked like... a big pile of crap covered in bullshit.

Oh, I remember, Sheriff.

The Wraith?

Why do you want to go into the past?

Not that I consider you particularly "modern."

Oh, you got that right, buster.

This country ain't been the same since Evel Knievel died.

Here's the bottom line...

I got to back to last year and save my wife's life.

No! No! No!

Absolutely not, Mr. Miller.

- See? - I...

Evel Knievel. They told him no, too.

You can't jump over Caesar's Palace.

He did. You can't jump ove

13 double-decker busses.

He did.

You can't jump over Snake River Canyon,

and he damn sure did.

No, he didn't.

He crashed every one of those times.

But he tried. He tried like a man.

A man in a skin-tight leather jumpsuit

with a beautiful cape, good hair, a helmet, and...

I've gotten off-topic.

Listen to me.

I got to find this guy, Gerard DuQuette.

So?

So...

That's where you come in.

He's been dead for 400 years.

He's some kind of black magic, sorcery assface.

Won't you do it for Claire?

Please?

The hell is that?

Sage. It purifies the room.

Smells like a pregnant raccoon died in your chimney.

Eh.

From the Great Lady and The Seven Winds,

I summon Charon,

blessed ferryman of the river Styx.

We summon Gerard DuQuette,

denizen of the Otherworld.

Yeah. What she said.

Ow!

Nails.

Da Rakom, Ossun, Hekuba, I summon thee all,

Da Rakom Ossun, Hekuba, I summon thee all.

Now what?

Does the doorbell ring, he pops out of a cake,

and gives me a nobjob?

I don't understand.

I... I've had weak responses before,

but never just nothing.

Well...

Maybe he was gonna show up,

but then he got a load of that crap you burnt.

I know what I should have said.

It smells like somebody popped a balloon full of clown farts.

Worst...

Seance...

Ever.

Hellooo?

What?

Denise?

Is that you?

I don't think so.

Are you...?

I am.

- Constance Eccles told me... - I know.

Why weren't you at the seance?

I had a thing.

Lookit.

- I got to figure out ow to... - How to use

the eyes of the Wraith

to travel back just one year instead of 400

so that you can save your dear wife's life.

- Correct? - Exactly!

This is terrific.

How do I do it?

Do you like riddles?

No, I'm straight.

The first person is your passage

on the time-travel express.

You can go wherever they go,

on the day they're laid to rest.

You have 24 hours to solve the riddle.

You fail, you die.

That's a little different than the way they used to do it

in the Reader's Digest.

Makes it fun for me.

24 hours.

Later, tater.

Hey.

How do I die?

Maybe you'll do something so horrible

that the people of Willard's Mill

will band together and kill you themselves.

Oh, crap.

Denise, honey, you, uh...

You're good at pu...

puzzles, aren't you?

Oh, Leon called to say "Thank you for the fudge."

I beg your pardon?

Apparently you went down to the station this morning

and you brought him some fudge.

That...

wasn't me.

Are you sure it wasn't you?

Why would I lie about fudge?

Well, we've all made a bad batch of fudge before

and we lied about it.

Shame Fudge is real,

but we don't let it get us down.

We get back in the kitchen, we roll up our sleeves,

and we try agaaain!

Oh, shit.

Oh.

Leon!

What the hell happened to you?

The fudge.

The fudge happened.

I don't know what you put in it...

That wasn't me.

Oh, yes, it was!

Maybe you'll do something so horrible

that the good people of Willard's Mill will kill you themselves.

Leon.

Wheeee! What was in the fudge?

Freedom!

I only got 14 hours. I got to go.

Wait!

- Oh, no! - I got a better idea.

Why don't I kill you and you go to Heaven

and you call me, tell me what you see?

I'm scared.

Oh, hi.

Did you want to try the seance again?

That sounds delish.

J'entre?

Sure.

Love the house.

You were just here yesterday?

Oh, snap.

Are you looking at my bum?

No, Leon.

Geranimo! Leon.

We're gonna need the others

- if we're gonna... - I had a bucket like this once.

Okay.

Company!

Oh, hi, Gordy!

Hello.

Gordy the mailman?

You come in here, you rascal.