Last Man Standing

Eve just called.

She and Kristin will be here any minute.

Crap.

Wh-What'd you think the banner was for, Kyle?

Uh, no, no.

I'm-I'm trying to DVR my favorite show,

but it's not on.

Oh, well, maybe it got canceled.

You know, the TV business

can be a heartless bastard.

Canceled? Why would they cancel

a popular show that everybody loves?

Maybe they're a bunch of idiots.

-Just try another channel. -Oh, Mike. (scoffs)

They don't just take a show off one network

-and put it on a different network. -(laughs)

Hey, there it is.

-You were right, Mr. B. -Oh.

*

Am I wrong or is it, like, way better

-on this network? -(chuckles)

Way better. Way better. I'll be damned.

I've never heard of this happening before.

Well, it's pretty rare.

Show must have a lot of loyal, kick-ass fans, huh?

Mandy, honey, where are you? They're here.

-(horn honks) -Hey.

Uh, just a heads-up.

Mandy's kind of mad at me right now.

Yeah?

Well, she changed something about herself,

and I can't figure out what.

Marriage is kind of like karate, right?

You're new at it. You're, like, a white belt.

Me, I'm a black belt.

So welcome to my dojo, huh?

Mom, Mom. This is really weird,

but I got lost upstairs.

Mandy.

I like it.

She looks exactly the same.

-Oh, my baby's home. -Hi.

: Oh!

Oh, my dignified academy cadet.

Oh, I missed my mommy.

Hey, sis.

Whoa, Mandy!

I love it.

You guys are so sweet.

Oh, Dad.

Dad, Dad, Dad. You haven't changed a bit.

Well, that's the good thing about me.

No matter how long you haven't seen me,

I'm still the same old guy.

*

-Uh-oh, military's here. -Oh.

But don't worry, Chuck, she's on our side.

Eve!

Or should I say... cadet.

-At ease, jarhead. -(laughs)

-There she is. There she is. -Ed.

The best thing that'll happen to the Air Force.

Well, next to those things that keep the geese

out of the engines.

Good to see you back, kiddo.

Now you'll be able to relax a bit, huh?

Oh, she's a cadet at the Air Force Academy.

She's not gonna relax, right, Eve?

Well, last night I slept in my footie pajamas, so...

Hey, Chuck,

I need some help with my computer. It's frozen.

Uh, you could try command-alt-delete.

Or command-Chuck-do-it.

Hey, Baxters.

-Hey, Baxter. -I wanted to get Boyd

and finish his birdhouse. Where is he?

Uh, he's at home with his father.

-Mr. Sunshine. -Ooh.

I haven't seen Ryan in a while.

How's he adapting to the new and improved America?

Watches TV all day, and he screams into a pillow.

You know, I get it. People see me in uniform

and assume I want to hear their hot take

on what America really needs.

Spoiler alert: I do not.

Hey, I told you I'd spring for that fancy dinner later

at Outdoor Man Grill. Be hungry.

I was born hungry.

Well, I've eaten since then, but I'll be hungry again.

-Want to join us? Uh, no.

I'm gonna grab Boyd and bring him back here.

And since Ryan'll be there, I'll stop by

and pick up a nice bottle of gloat.

Yo.

-Hey. -Hey, Boyd.

You ready to go?

Uh, Dad's still making me dinner.

Did the part come in for the dirt bike?

: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think you mean "birdhouse."

And yes, the part for the 65cc birdhouse came in.

-Hey, Ryan. -Hey. (sighs)

Uh, Boyd, dinner's in the kitchen. Fried chicken.

You fried a chicken?

Yeah.

I get to eat an animal,

-and it's not even Christmas. -Wow.

I don't get it.

Why eat healthy? Whole country's going to hell.

Oh, God, you are in deep.

What happened to that whole thing about,

"chickens are people, too"?

Don't start with me right now, okay? I'm not in the mood.

You don't have to be in the mood. Just listen.

Or we can watch TV.

I mean, how can you not watch TV

when the whole world is going nuts?

See? Look, another breaking news alert.

It's almost like they're deliberately forcing us

to stay glued to our TVs.

I mean,

how is it that one person can create such a mess?

Well, a lot of people didn't like the last eight years.

Okay, but at least your bad guy was a good guy.

And more importantly, he was attractive.

It's always the pretty people that cause the trouble.

Are you enjoying making fun of me?

Yes, I am, as a matter of fact.

Come on, listen. Politicians, politics always change.

Sometimes it's my guys.

-Sometimes it's your morons. -Okay.

But it is way worse now, and this is the world

that my son is gonna have to grow up in.

Not if you keep giving him fried chicken.

-Please don't block the TV, Mike. -Just...

Come on, come on, come on.

I have daughter and a grandson that need you

to think less about this and more about them.

-I think about them all the time. -No, you don't.

-All you do is sit in... -Yes, I do, which is what

drives me crazy, because there's nothing I can do about it.

'Cause you can't change the world.

But there are certain small things you can do

to control your own life, like this. Give me this.

Watch this. Look, watch. Oh!

This is weird. I can still hear it in my head.

Give yourself a break. Go somewhere.

There's a march on Saturday.

How about something relaxing?

Protest yoga.

I wasn't aware they had such a thing, but that's...

Th-That sounds great.

-Hey, honey. -Hey, baby.

I made your favorite breakfast.

Ooh, spinach frittata and roasted tomatoes?

No, I think actually I made my favorite breakfast.

-A pan of ham, man. -(Vanessa laughs)

Well, hide that.

Ryan just pulled up, and I don't want him to get scared away.

You know, we hardly see him anymore.

-You know, I actually think I fixed that. -Yeah?

I went over there and gave him

a Mike Baxter inspirational speech.

I think we're all good.

I'm kind of like Gandhi but better 'cause I bring ham.

-Knock, knock. -Hey.

Hey. I come bearing homemade gifts.

Those are the best kind. Hi.

Which is why you can never find a parking place

at House of Felt.

As a thank-you, Mike, for talking me out of my funk,

I brought some fresh jars of my homemade elderberry jam.

Hey.

Not necessary. Or wanted.

Oh, Mike. But he's berry glad

for help from his elder.

Making it worse, honey.

Oh.

How are you doing?

Uh, I'm good.

Actually, you made me realize

that it's time to get serious and to stop being a victim

and take some control of my life.

Just needed a little push.

So I'm moving the family to Canada.

You're moving to Canada?

Look, I know it's kind of sudden,

but please try not to overreact.

You're ripping my grandbaby from my arms.

So there's a "no."

I'm a "no." What does Kris think?

She's mulling it over.

Kind of loudly.

So there's three "no's." And I'm sure

Canada's not all that happy about it.

Look, I know that it's big news,

-but I'm not actually asking for your permission. Wha...?

But... what are we gonna do, Mike?

Not gonna do anything about it.

A lot of people say they're moving to Canada.