Kevin Smith: Silent but Deadly

Hey, man, I'm Kevin Smith.

And moments after we shot the show you're about to watch,

I came into this room downstairs at the theater in Glendale,

and had a massive heart attack.

They talk about, like, "I killed onstage.

I died onstage." I thought I killed that night,

and I came backstage and almost died.

So enjoy the special, but know that the guy

who is telling jokes for the next hour and stuff

is about to face the infinite.

And I'm alive to stand here and tell you that I didn't die.

Now, on with the show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Kevin Smith!

Hey!

Thank you!

Stop. Don't. Stop, fucking don't encourage me.

Um... thank you all for being here tonight.

I had stuff that I wanted to-- prepared and what not.

But before we go anywhere, I have to share some shit

that just literally happened before I got here.

If you don't know me, you're like,

"Oh, he's ready to do a show."

If you know me, you're like,

"Fuck, he's more high than I've ever seen him in his life."

Right when I was getting ready to leave,

my daughter comes in, and she just got her license.

So she comes into the room and she's just like,

"Hey, man, can I use your car?"

She says to my wife Jennifer, "Let me use your car

to go to Target and get my nails done."

And Jennifer was like, "Absolutely not.

Oh, my God, no. Like, you'll crash for sure."

And I saw my moment to jump in and be the good parent

and be like, "Let her do it." You know?

Like, she's gotta try it by herself for the first time.

This is the first time she's gonna drive by herself

in the car with a license and stuff.

I was like, "Let her do it, man.

What's the worst that could happen?"

And my wife was shooting fucking daggers at me.

Just like, "You fucking piece of shit."

So... so I was like, "Yeah, man, let's just let...

She can do this. You can handle this, kid."

I said, "Just don't speed or anything like that.

Trust that she's a good driver. You've been in the car with her.

She's not fucking terrible." And so...

Trust that she can do this and stuff.

So, you know, I was like, "All right, man. Have fun."

And I stood at the front door and watched her pull away

and stuff, which was nerve-racking

because she had to do a K-turn and she backed out

without even looking and another car was coming down the hill.

And they had one of these moments.

And you heard skidding and I didn't know

which one it was and shit.

Finally, she corrects herself and then there's a moment

where the dude behind her clearly wants to go faster.

And my kid, the novice driver, I'm watching this go,

"Let him go first. Let him go first."

But she's my kid, very competitive as well.

And I saw my driving in her. All of a sudden,

she guns it past this fucking dude down the street.

And my wife is like, "Yeah,

she's ready to drive by herself."

So I was like this is fucking nerve-racking, man.

And she was like, "You shouldn't have let her do this."

I was like, "I need a joint." And so I started smoking.

And I was like, "What do we do? Do we chase her down?"

She's like, "No, that doesn't show any trust whatsoever."

She's going, "I have Find Friends on my phone.

And so I can track her every movement."

And so I was like, "Are you fucking serious?

Open that shit up, man!

Let's watch this car wreck in real time." Like...

So we were just sitting at the desk

and I'm fucking smoking away, watching the screen

on my wife's phone, watching this dot,

like I'm fucking Bill Paxton in Aliens and shit. You know.

I'm like, "She's all over us, man!"

'Cause every time the dot stops on the map,

we're like, "What's the fucking story here?

Did she get in a fender bender? Is she buying cocaine?

What is going on?"

Then finally, it pulled into the fucking Target plaza.

And I was like, "You gotta fucking text her."

And she's like, "No, she'll know we've been watching her.

You gotta fucking play it cool."

And we're both sweating fucking bullets, man.

And I've smoked a joint all the way down

to the fucking filter and shit.

All of a sudden, the kid calls us on the phone.

And she's like, "I did it! I did it! I did it!"

She's like, "I did it. I didn't get in an accident."

And we tried to play it cool. We're like,

"Well, big deal. We do that all the time."

Um, it's weird, man because the kid's all grown up now.

She, like, graduated last year from high school and shit.

And that was like the moment my wife had been waiting for,

for, like, four years. 'Cause my wife used to travel

with me wherever I went. If I went to make a movie,

we'd go, leave the house, and go someplace

for a couple months or something like that.

We'd pull the kid out of school 'cause she was little.

It's like, what is she gonna fucking learn?

ABC's? Come with us. We'll show you the real world.

You know.

You know, I was like, I started traveling by myself.

I started doing more and more like standup gigs

and live podcasts, and so I used to travel with Jen,

and now I just wound up traveling by myself.

Because she stayed home for the kid.

Like, I was like, "Why aren't you going anymore?"

She's like, "The kid's in fucking high school."

Somebody has to stay home to let her in the fucking house, man."

So... I was like, fair enough.

So I got used to going out on the road without her.

And then the kid graduated and my wife was like going crazy.

She was like, "Oh, my God. My fucking...

I'm finally getting sprung

from this goddamn gilded prison and shit."

I was like, "What are you talking about?"

She's like, "This kid is fucking done.

I don't have to be the bitch mother anymore.

Like, I'm tired of playing this role.

I don't wanna wake her up and fucking make her do shit,

do your homework. Now she's fucking done.

I'm gonna be done, and I'm getting my life back,

motherfucker." She goes,

"Which means I'm taking over your life.

What are you..."

She's like, "You're always fucking going somewhere.

I'm going with you wherever you're fucking going next.

Man, you're always going to some fucking rocking place.

What rocking city are you traveling to next?"

And I was like, "Spokane, Washington."

And she was just like, "You know what, man?

I heard about that shit on Frasier.

I'm fucking going with you."

So she came with me to Spokane, Washington.

I had two gigs. I was doing a gig at 7:30

and then another gig at like 9:30

or something like that.

So we got to the hotel,

and I'm not a, like, hotel snob at all.

All I care about when it comes to a hotel room,

'cause I see a lot of fucking hotel rooms now,

is the balcony. 'Cause that's--

As a stoner, that's where I live is on the balcony.

So the room could be like a fucking crack den

with roaches everywhere and shit.

I will tiptoe over human piles of shit,

as long as the balcony is wide enough and secluded enough,

I'm like, I don't give a shit.

I'll sleep on the fucking balcony. So...

We checked in the hotel, great fucking balcony.

Like it was looking over a stream

and fucking foliage and shit. It was really pretty.

You can see the mountains.

So I was like, "I love this fucking balcony."

And she's like, "When are you coming back?"

"I got two shows, so I'll probably be back

at like 11, 12." She's like, "I might be sleeping."

I was like, "I'm so glad we traveled together."

And so... and so I went off to do my show.

I was so excited because I was like fucking

weed legal Washington.

I'm gonna get to fucking do a show there.

They're gonna let me fucking smoke weed onstage

while I do my show. That is not the case at all, man.

They got all sorts of fucking even more rigid laws and shit

like that where you can't do that.

So much so that I was at the place between gigs,

I told the management, I was like, "Hey, man.

So I got like an hour to kill between gigs.

I'm gonna go in the green room and make it green.

You know what I'm saying?"

And he's like, "No, you're not, you animal.

You do that outside."

I was like, "Fucking liberal Washington." You know...

So I went outside to smoke, but there were people lined up

for the next show. I didn't wanna be like a Walmart greeter

at my own show where, you know...

I'm like, "Hi, how are you? Welcome.

Yes, it is me." You know.

So I was like fuck it, I'll go back to the hotel.

Hotel's close, it was like literally

across the street and shit.

So I was like I'll go back there.

And I went back to the hotel room,

'cause I was like I'll smoke on the balcony.

But when I walked in the room, like my wife had set up shop,

like in a big, bad way. She had made the place her own.

She had, uh, she was on the balcony,

she had taken the mattress off the bed

and moved it over a chair on the balcony

to create this kind of chaise lounge affair.

And she was laying on it like the Queen of Sheba,

reading a thick-ass book.

And she had this big-ass goblet of wine in her hand.