Succubus

Jean.

Jeanie.

If you get this, it means...

Well,

you already know what it means.

I can't imagine what they're going to say about me.

And I know you're going to believe it.

Which is okay.

I mean, I already put you through so much.

I only hope...

I only hope you can forgive me.

But please, Jeanie,

and I know you're not going to want to do this.

You must publish my research, everything.

And if the journals won't take it, I mean,

just, just give it away.

Put it online, just some place people can find it.

I know you think I'm delusional, but you must do this for me.

You must.

Anyway.

If you do this I...

I think I could be at peace.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I have been waiting for this all my life

I was a worm and now I am a butterfly

I'm going through it all like, 1, 2, 3

Is someone waiting for someone like me?

You're getting high I'm getting so fucked up

I wanna dance with all the lights turned up

I made a wish into the bottom of a well

Got you under my spell

Ohhhhhhhh Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Oooooooh

Ohhhhhhhh Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Oooooooh

Hey, Mom.

Did you mean to call?

Oh, hi. Hi.

You're on the-- You're on the camera thing. Hi.

I just was calling to make sure

that you have a cover for the weekend.

You know, I could drive up and help--

No. No, I've got it, we're fine.

-How was that interview you did? -It wasn't a...

I'm starting a company.

-Another one? -We've been over this.

It's not another app, is it?

I mean, how do you even make money from those things,

aren't they free?

It's a complicated...

But you never even studied computers.

I'm more on the business side, Mom.

You didn't study business either. I don't understand.

-It's really hard these days-- -Mom.

...to survive on one income.

-It won't be one income... -And with that house, my God...

I shouldn't have cosigned that loan--

If either of those had gone to market--

way too much money, and it doesn't even

have a third bedroom.

Wait honey, what's-- what's wrong?

Are you okay? Oh.

Oh. My sensitive boy.

I have to go feed Mikey.

Okay.

Christopher...

You don't cry like that in front of Sharon right?

Because despite what all these new wave feminists say

-women really want a strong man. -Bye, Mom.

You wanna get me like that

I'm just a sucker for love

I wanna know you like that

I'm just a sucker for love

Look at this DILF. You look good, Bro. Look at you.

Yeah. Say hey.

Hey, there's the man of the house, cute little fucker.

I might need a drink too.

Don't stress, Bro. It's all just temporary.

You got to think of it more like a solo vacay,

you know, a little sexual tune up,

get somebody to check under your hood,

check the oil if you're into that sort of thing

so you can be refreshed and focused for Sharon.

Saved my marriage, many times.

You're divorced.

You're a dick.

Dude, really? The camera cover?

Nobody's trying to watch you jerk off, you jerk off.

Come on, snap snap.

Share your screen.

What do we got?

Yeah, that's your panty dropping pic?

Who are you trying to fuck? Mormons?

I look good there.

Ugh.

Dude, this is fucked. Open your iCloud.

Don't blame me.

Chop chop, man. Let me see them dick pics.

-Jesus, man. -I know, I know. Power through.

Just close your eyes. Scroll down.

I got it. Scroll down.

Down.

Down.

Ansel Adams, what's with all the nature photography?

-Will you just-- -Wait!

Scroll that shit back up.

Oh. Oh, yes.

-I should start jogging again. -Camping photos, bro.

So rugged, so approachable. I love it.

Beautiful. Make it public.

I don't know, man.

You and Sharon are separated. You're not doing anything wrong.

I know, man. But, like, what if I match with this, like,

hot twenty-something year old, right? And I lose perspective?

I gotta think about Mikey, too now.

I just...Just for me, I would like to clarify...

That your concern

is that you're going to be so irresistible

to all the hot, young tail out there?

Look, can we just do this another weekend

when I don't have my child?

My guy, I love you.

But my worry is that if we put this off,

you're going to start projecting

even more sad sack, broken man vibes.

Chicks dig confidence.

Fun, strong.

We got to hit a window

where we can pretend you're at least one of those things.

-It's only a trial separation. -Oh, my God.

Please? Please.

-Okay. -Don't you tease...

-Yes, okay, fine. -Do it. Fucking do it.

Yeah!

Shut up! Wooh!

Fucking swipe. And honestly, dude, just all rights.

You don't have to meet with them. Just get some matches.

Standards low right now.

Don't let me see you go fucking left. Right.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

When Charlisse and I were first talking about

having kids, and the idea

the idea, mind you, of a sperm donor came up.

Yeah, sure.

So, Harry, he raised her, but he's not her biological father.

Okay.

So Patty thought it would be a good idea

if we got the sperm donation from Harry.

-Oh. Oh, God. -Yeah.

And she said it all like, "oh, well, you know..."

"Harry never got to have kids of his own..."

Like that's not the most fucked situation ever.

Charlisse literally turkey basting--

Oh, god.

-her step-dad's splooge and-- -Don't say that.

-fucking jamming it up-- -Oh, oh, oh shit.

What?

That was... that was someone we know.

Shit. Yeah, that's Karoline.

-She goes to our gym. -Does she know Sharon?

They talk on the ellipticals.

Bro, she's pretty hot.

Fuck, fuck! Fuck man.

Calm down. Just undo the match.

I don't know how to do that.

Just unmatch. You hit the chat icon.

I don't see the chat icon.

The chat icon. It's right at the...

Top right of your screen, man.

There's nothing in the top right...

It looks like the bobble-head sperm.

-There's no bobble head sperm. -The circle is the bobble-head

You're just making things up now.

The fucking international symbol of chat!

I'm just gonna delete the account.

She already saw it. You might as well just

delete the photos, change the profile.

There's unmatch. There it is.

Maybe she was swiping fast like me and didn't notice?

Absolutely.

That smoke show was definitely just saying yes to everyone

for sure.

Oh dude, ignore her. She's got no evidence.

Deny, deny, deny.

Shaggy that shit. "Wasn't me."

How did this happen?

Fucking algorithm,

probably knows you guys go to the same gym.

I wasn't even going to do anything.

Fucking algorithm...Oh.

-My food's here, sorry. -Dude.

What? It's a gray area. You guys are separated.

We have only been separated for two weeks.

-Hey, I tipped on the card. -Eddie!

Hey, man, don't shut me out.

I can help. Don't you do that--

Fuck.

Is everything okay?

I was just on my phone and I'm...