South Park

Okay, children, let's take our seats.

I know there's a lot of things going on

and we're all a little bit worried.

I've heard some of you express concern over current events,

so I think we should discuss what's happening.

It is true --

Rick and I did get into a fight over the weekend.

Now, I don't know what you've heard and what you haven't,

but Rick was wrong, okay?

He's the one that needs to apologize.

We're not worried about that. We're all worried about Putin.

Putin? It was just a little noise when I pulled out.

Nobody was "pootin," okay?

And anyway, you kids shouldn't be talking about that stuff!

Geez!

Uh, kids, I need your attention!

We're doing an emergency drill this morning, m'kay.

A drill?

M'kay, now, we haven't done these in a long time,

but we need to be prepared if the Russians decide to nuke us.

Now, when you hear this sound...

The Russians are nuking us.

...then you need to quickly and calmly get out of your seats

and get to the gymnasium, m'kay?

The Russians are nuking us.

The Russians are nuking us! Go!

Go, go, go! We're all gonna die!

Come on! Come on! The missiles are coming!

They've lost their minds! Run!

Get to the gym! Get to the gym!

Come on!

Come on, we're getting nuked! Everyone to the gym!

It's our only chance!

Under the bleachers! Go!

Come on, move! Everyone's going to die!

M'kay. That was...22 seconds.

That's not bad, m'kay.

Now, if this were real, we would just all stay here

and wait to hear from our government and maybe,

maybe listen to some appropriate music,

like we did back in the '80s.

Starring...

...and the comedy of...

Hi, Katie!

Hi, Kelly!

Oh, my gosh. Pixie looks so pretty today.

Thanks! I braided my pony's tail.

Hi, Josslyn! Hi, Staci Mae!

Hi, Butters.

Alright, pony riders.

We've got a big competition this weekend,

so let's line up and do our rails.

Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!

Don't wave at us, Butters!

Judges hate when they wave. He needs to not do that.

Okay, Staci Mae, nice trot. Here comes the jump.

Good. Very nice. Okay, next.

Good, Heather.

That's good control of Sunshine. Good.

Okay, Butters, come on. You're next.

Come on, Butters. Come on!

Oh! He clunked it!

It's okay. It's okay.

Good job, Butters. Good job.

We should just pull Butters out of dressage.

He sucks at this.

Oh, we can't pull him out. He loves it.

Don't you understand, Linda? I'm scared.

The big competition is this weekend.

Butters will be going up against the Russians.

Oh, look, here comes the Russian now.

- Boo! - Boo!

Boo, Russia! Booooo!

Hey, what are you booing a little kid for?

Don't you know who that is?

That's Dan Solokov's kid!

Dan Solokov who works at the Ace Hardware over in Meeker?

Even the kid's pony is a Russian Etruscan!

You piece-a-shit communist!

You won't take our freedoms away! Boo, Russia!

Yeah?

Mr. Mackey, I'd like to have a word with you.

Oh, yeah, yes, of course, PC Principal.

I see that you've, uh, called for another

nuclear emergency drill this afternoon?

Yes, that's right. We are going to be prepared.

Well, Mr. Mackey, this is the seventh drill

that we've done in two days.

And I see that you also put in the budget for a bomb shelter

and 20 VHS copies of "Red Dawn."

VHS is still really the best format when you think about it.

Mr. Mackey, I'm starting to worry that this is sort of...

nostalgic for you,

like you're kind of enjoying this.

Enjoying it?

My job is to have this school ready.

Kids need to know what Russia is capable of.

Ah-staff meen-ya if pahk-oye.

You speak Russian?

No, but I watched "Hunt For Red October"

like 200 times.

Mr. Mackey, I'm not asking you.

I'm telling you -- stop with all the drills

and stop putting ideas into our students' heads.

No, you -- you're right, of course.

I'm -- I'm over-reacting.

Okay.

M'kay.

Alright, Butters, you've just got two more days

before the dressage competition.

I'll do my best, Dad.

You're gonna have to do better than that, Butters.

You see that little Russian kid over there?

That kid doesn't give a shit about you.

He just wants to win

and take what little patriotism our country has left.

That kid?

You didn't live through the Cold War, Butters, but we did.

This tournament is gonna be turned into

a political spectacle, and you have to win.

Otherwise, I'm afraid we'll have to give your pony away

to communists who slaughter ponies and donkeys

to make skin cream.

That's mostly the Chinese, but a commie's a commie.

Better dead than red, Butters.

Oh, Jesus! Not Melancholy!

Now, that little prick is trying to intimidate you.

I want you to go in there and show him how an American rides.

Come on, boy!

Butters! Butters, what the hell are you doing?!

Well, I dunno!

You have to learn control!

Come on, Melancholy, come on!

Butters, what the hell is that?!

What is what? Oh, geez!

Put that thing away, Melancholy!

Jesus, Linda, what are we gonna do?

What are you up to, you piece of shit?

Hello, sir.

I just needed to talk to somebody.

I've been having some problems at home.

Uh-huh, m'kay, that's nice. That's good to hear.

Why don't you just, uh, sit there and tell me about it?

Well, it's just my parents.

You see, a few months ago, I saw this little girl

riding a pony and I said, "Whoa! I wanna do that!"

So we found a stable and a trainer,

and I started to learn dressage.

And I got to lease a pony, and his name is Melancholy.

Yeah, yeah, that must be tough.

I'm sorry to hear that, m'kay.

Well, I love to ride Melancholy.

But now I'm feeling all this pressure to win.

My parents said I have to win

because it's against the Russians.

M'kay, we--

The what?

It's the Russians.

I mean, I guess they're just really good at dressage,

But now my dad says it's a matter of national security.

M'kay. Butters.

Don't move your head.

Don't move my head? I --

Uh, uh! They're probably watching us,

so keep acting like you're asking me for help.

Well, o-okay, but I kind of am asking you for help, ya know,

because I'm feeling really lost and miserable.

That's good. Now listen carefully.

What did your parents tell you?

Well, they said if I don't do well at dressage,

it could mean the end of all of our freedoms.

Jesus Christ.

M'kay, well, Butters, you know,

sometimes troubles at home can be bad, m'kay.

I need you to tell me everything you know

about dressage.

We need to have a serious talk, Melancholy,

and I need you to listen.

There's a time to poop, and there's a time to work.

And the best thing is to poop when your work is done.

I-It's like when I'm in the classroom,

sometimes I have to poop,

but I have to wait until lunch break.

If I really have to go, I can raise my hand to ask politely.

But if you stop and poop while we're competin',

the judges are gonna deduct points.

And then the Russians will beat us,

and then you're gonna get turned into Chinese skin cream!

We have to do this, Melancholy.

You and me have to focus like never before.