Nobodies

Sia, I just want to thank you so much

for agreeing to do this.

I didn't agree to do it. I don't know why I'm here.

In what universe would me, Sia, the pop star,

sing a theme song to a TV show?

That's so...

What a wonderful, ironic question.

In my universe.

Your manager and I had a little dinner last night,

somebody drank two bottles of wine,

and he signed several things for me,

so I technically own you.

Are we clear about that? That's why you're here.

In what universe you would be here is in my fucking universe.

I've given you jewels in the shape of lyrics

and I would like you to parrot them for me.

Shall we give it a go?

Okay, we're singing with an American accent

'cause we want people to like it.

- I'm singing in American. - Thank you.

And America thanks you.

Five, six, seven, eight...

It's "policy." Not policy-ya.

Are you saying your own goddamn name?

I put my name in all my songs.

You get your red bow in the fucking game, Sia.

You're a mean woman.

Well, you're gonna find out.

Uh, Melissa, I'm sorry, but that was way too long.

That was 52 seconds and this needs to be 15.

Fifteen seconds?

Well, that would have been handy to know ahead of...

You know what? Let's get rid of that.

Ben wrote that line, most of that...

Well, we actually exchanged numerous e-mails

and we had a few phone calls

and there was that meeting yesterday, so...

I would have liked one of those e-mails.

Anything, actually, at all.

Let's take this out, this out, the third one,

go back to the second, then probably loop around,

and I want...

I want to hear the thunder from down under.

Five, six, seven, eight!

Twelve seconds. Fuck you.

What are they doing?

That grill's broken.

He's been trying to fix it all day.

He said I did something to the OPD valve.

I don't know what the hell you did to this OPD valve,

you sorry son of a bitch.

Anyone find it odd that you're having a big celebration

for basically, your in-laws moving out of your house.

No. But it's also for our pilot.

And, um...

But mostly for them leaving.

So how are you gonna manage your 50 kids?

I forgot to tell you, we got an au pair.

That's her right there.

You don't have to pay 'em,

you just gotta give 'em lodging and an American experience.

Maybe you should give her an American experience.

Single guy.

How about maybe I don't?

Oh, my God.

It's the United Way.

They really want that $100,000.

- Hey, Hugh. - Hi.

Larry told me about you and Sam.

I'm so sorry.

I think it's probably for the best, so.

Oh, that's Rachel and Mark-Paul!

- Hugh! - Whoa!

Hey, kiddo.

I'm so glad you're here.

Nice to see you too, Lois.

Larry.

So sorry we're late.

It's totally my fault.

I forgot this, we had to go back.

Ah, what'd you guys bring?

Some sort of a yummy dessert?

It's a bunch of boneless, skinless chicken breasts.

I'm doing a 24-hour mud run this weekend.

Ah, so no pizza, huh?

I wish.

Getting really tired of these chicken breasts.

Mmm. That is good pizza.

Yeah, it does look good, yeah.

What kind of pizza is it?

Little Caesar's.

- Three meat treat. - Mmm.

Have a bite. Try a bite.

- What's one bite? - Mm-mmm. He can't.

Hi, I'm Jen, I'm Larry's wife.

- Oh. - I'm such a fan.

Good to meet you. You have a beautiful house.

Oh, no, it's such a mess, I'm so embarrassed.

I... I didn't know that you were coming.

Oh, it's... It's not messy, you have kids.

This is what a house should look like.

Can I get you a drink?

We have beer, wine.

No, he can't, he's an alcoholic.

- Recovering. - Recovering.

- Right. - Mommy, look!

Jack, your penis is private.

- Put it away. - Oh.

Where's Sam?

Uh, not here.

Oh, she's still laid up.

Mm-hmm.

Who's Sam?

Hugh's girlfriend.

Uh, Hugh's former girlfriend.

We broke up.

Oh, man, I'm sorry to hear that.

Really?

Uh, honey, why don't... Why don't you go play?

- Mom! - Lois.

Not with Jack, though!

So what happened?

You must be television's Larry Dorf.

Hey.

You're a hell of an improvement over the real-life Larry Dorf.

Ah, no, no, no.

What are you guys talking about?

About how much better I like this kid than you.

About how I wish he were my son-in-law.

That's wonderful.

- Here's your water. - Thank you.

- You don't drink? - No.

Jesus.

I can't get out of this queer town fast enough.

Sleeves up or down?

I don't care.

Are you nervous?

No.

What a bunch of random people in a focus group

think about our show? What do I care?

Well, you should care.

If they hate it, CBS isn't gonna pick it up

and then we'll be out of work

and we'll have to kill ourselves.

What if they like the show,

but they don't like your character?

I don't like my character.

What kind of person would agree to be in a focus group?

Team Fartlemans!

- Oh, my God. - Hey.

Hey, I just focus-grouped your show, Davidson.

I saw your acting! Boop.

But, hey, Dorf, you know what?

I like the guy playing you.

I think I live TV Dorf better than real-life Dorf.

Oh.

So did people like it?

They liked it okay.

Well, was there anything they didn't like?

Uh, Davidson.

But the main thing they said was, it's an interracial family,

but there's no reason for it.

I mean, either talk about it or don't,

but if you don't, then why'd you do it?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I think we do know what you're saying.

They're not gonna pick it up.

We are gonna be out of work.

Maybe we can get our job back at "The Fartlemans."

"The Fartlemans" was canceled.

Really? Wow.

Well, Allen still loves us.

He'll put us on one of his other dumb cartoons.

Alan's in jail.

- What? - What?

Yeah, he killed his wife.

He killed his wife?

- How? - With a sword.

- Why? - Why does anyone do anything?

For love.

Excuse me.

They're ready to see you.

Overall, there's a lot to be encouraged by here.

Sure, hindsight being 20/20, we probably should have made

some adjustments to the script once we decided

to make the cast more diverse,

so we'll need to do some reshoots,

but first, we'll want to tweak the script.

Oh, well, that's easy.

I mean, we've written for, um...

African Americans.

African Americans.

Before we wrote "Open Dorf Policy,"

we were writing a movie called "Robbin' Hood."

Yeah, it's a modern retelling of Robin Hood

with all African-American people.

In this version, Robin is robbing from the rich