The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Africa's that way...

Elephant.

What? No witty comeback?

Why?

He was talking about you, wasn't he?

Big Wang equals elephant trunk.

That sort of thing. That's how I read it.

Mm. I mean, I sort of read it as,

like, a dig on your general fluffiness.

Hey...

Whatever helps you sleep at night, bro.

All I know is I am happy

that this hellhole of a week is almost over.

Oh, TGI-Thursday, bro. - Why?

Our weekends are just like our weekdays.

Except lonelier.

We have no cool friends, no license, no fake I.D.

Hey! Patterson's having a party this weekend.

We can try and crash!

Oh, that's a good idea.

Let's go hang out with the same assholes

that beat us up all week.

Well...

In that case, RJ, it looks like another weekend

of fingering that sweet, sweaty box.

Xbox!

Are there even elephants in Africa?

There are, actually.

Boys...

Uh, listen, RJ...

Your mommy and I are ducking out of town

for a European couples weekend tomorrow morning,

and we've arranged for a sitter for you.

- Uh, what? - That is bullshit.

I am 15!

Honey, we know you're a responsible young man.

We would just feel more comfortable

knowing you were being looked after.

Well, if you insist on finding a babysitter for sport here,

I mean, I'd like to throw my hat in the ring.

Granted, I have zero experience,

but I defy you to find a better bargain.

Not happening.

Oh, that's probably her right now.

- Mom, a babysitter? - Okay, seriously?

I'm straight-up embarrassed, Suzanne.

I mean, what has he ever done to earn this lack of trust?

Well, there was the time

the two of you blew up the oven.

- Okay. - And there was the time

I found the cat in the lettuce crisper.

And I'm not gonna name names,

but I still can't find my personal massager.

Miles?

I thought I returned that.

We have a cat?

RJ...

I would like you to meet your babysitter.

This is Jenni.

With an "I", like, I love babysitting.

My name is RJ Berger.

And I can't wait for the weekend.

Okay, boys, before we go

I wanna go over a few ground rules.

- Dad, uh-huh. I know the ground rules.

Right? Have a safe...

First, don't go in mommy and daddy's special room.

- I.E. sex dungeon. - Second,

you can have a few friends over, but no parties.

Yeah, we'll see about that, right?

And miles, please remember to break up

those big poops of yours with the toilet brush.

You know, they clog the toilet,

the next thing you know, the bathroom's flooded.

She... she's kidding.

And okay, guys, we just got the carpet cleaned.

So if you do have friends over,

please ask them to take off their shoes.

And you know we're okay with the birds and the bees,

but let's take it easy with too many of these.

Glug, glug, glug.

Jenni, keep your eye on these two, okay?

Will do, Mrs. Berger.

Okay.

Thank you, thank you. Okay.

- Bye! - Bye.

Bye, RJ! Love you.

Well, see you inside, RJ.

Dude, your parents are outta town.

By law, you have to throw a rager.

Absolutely not, dude.

I've got a smokin' hot girl living in my house.

I think I'm gonna keep that to myself, thank you very much.

You selfish son of a bitch!

You have a one in a mill...

dude...

Wait here while I chisel a statue of that with my boner.

you have a one in a million shot with her.

I'll take those odds.

And I'm not gonna lower them by inviting over

a bunch of drunk douche bags to compete with me.

This discussion isn't even close to over.

Meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes.

You know what, RJ?

High school is lame enough

without having to take the bus.

Want a ride?

Heh.

good thing I drove instead of you.

Why?

Because you were looking at my boobs

the whole way over.

Relax, I was just messing with you.

I don't mind.

Huh?

What is wrong with this picture?

Uh... Thank you for the ride.

Uh, I'll see you...

All weekend long, RJ.

Peace.

What's the deal, Berger?

You got a hot stepmom you didn't tell me about?

Actually, Max,

she's a part-time pilates instructor

who doesn't mind that I look at her boobs.

And we're living together.

What?

- Oh. - Have a good day.

Ah, I guess when I said

"meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes,"

you took that more as an, "if you feel like it" thing.

Dude, I'm sorry.

Jenni gave me a ride to school.

Oh! That's great for you, man!

Way to include a friend in on that.

- Miles. - Hey, so I think

I found a solution to our party issue, dude.

There's no issue because we're not having a party.

We're not having a party indeed.

Because what we're gonna have

is a small, sophisticated cocktail soiree, all right?

All class, strictly enforced no douche bag policy.

I'm talking those little French bread pizzas,

and those tiny, not-so-absorbent napkins, bro.

Okay, that actually sounds pretty awesome.

Right.

It's the perfect way to show

a certain smokin' hot babysitter

that you're sophisticated college material.

Here's the only thing.

Every time I say yes to you,

my life turns into a steaming heap of animal diarrhea.

So what did he say?

Well, technically... He didn't say no.

Better get that mustache waxed, Lily.

We're having us a party.

Big plans tonight?

Looks like you're heading out to a rager.

No. Well, heck no.

No, no, I'm not into the whole high school scene...

keggers, and what have you.

No, no, I'm... I guess I'm just a little bit

more sophisticated than that.

You know, I prefer my Friday evenings

to just, you know, make a mean cocktail.

Unwind.

Just let the stress of the week

just melt into my loafers.

Well, okay then.

Well, okay then.

Dog fancy?

You're into dog breeding?

I'm into... All kinds of breeding, Jenni.

Actually, I almost enjoy it as much

as I enjoy the economy

and empowered female talk show hosts.

Wow, you're passionate about so many things.

I guess you could say that.

Yeah.

I could also say that you're full of shit.

Look, you're cute, RJ.

But "a," I'm, like, ten years older than you,

"b," I have a boyfriend, and "c," I'm your babysitter.

Now, if you're not going out tonight

then why don't we just kick it

and find a movie on TV or something?

Does that sound sophisticated enough?

Yes. That... that would be fine.

But I was serious about that cocktail.

Can I make you one?

I'll take a rain check, thanks.

I'm not gonna, like, tell my mom or anything.

I know, it's just I tend

to be a little much when I drink.

You know, let me know if you change your mind.

- Oh, and RJ? - Mm?

You can probably lose the vest now.

Did you order pizza or something?

No.

Who's ready to party?