American Housewife

I just did the impossible.

You actually changed the toilet-paper roll?

No. I taught Anna-Kat to put herself to bed.

But I like her bedtime ritual.

We tuck her in, untuck her,

tuck her in again, untuck, tuck, untuck.

You know what? I've come around on this. Great job, Greg.

Think about it... If Anna-Kat puts herself to bed every night,

that frees up 10 extra hours a week.

I could re-read Proust, but in French.

Why am I so attracted to bad boys?

Ow!

I hit the pointy part!

I told the kids a hundred times to close the cabinet doors.

Forget the Lamaze breathing. Just swear, Greg.

Any swear word plus the word "face" works really well.

You know I don't like to swear.

And that's why the kids don't listen to you.

Until they bring back hitting, swearing at them

is the only way we get them to do what we want.

- Hey, Ottos! - Hey, Viv!

Just barge right in.

Remind me... what are the specifics on Stand Your Ground?

Did you bring us gifts?

No, these are my clothes. But don't worry.

It's all high-end stuff, so it wouldn't be your style anyway.

Could've stopped at "These are my clothes."

Can I leave these here for a bit?

Alan gets annoyed when I buy things,

so I hide the clothes until he leaves.

Hmm. Do you always hide purchases from your husband?

Of course. Doesn't everyone?

No, Viv. Everyone does not.

And why does Alan care what you buy, anyway?

Aren't you guys rich?

No. Alan and I are wealthy.

Rich people are just regular people with boats.

I had a dinghy.

Ohh, Greg, don't make this conversation

any stupider than it already is.

But it's not about the money.

Alan just gets cranky when I do things without his permission.

Permission?

Well, not permission exactly.

It's just, if I want to do something

and he doesn't like it, he doesn't let me do it.

That's permission!

Viv, that is not how a marriage works.

A marriage is supposed to be 50/50.

I'd kill for 50/50.

70/30 sounds nice.

I hear you,

but things would be easier if Alan didn't see these,

so can you hide them for me?

Okay. Fine.

Thank you!

But I get to keep what's ever in this bag.

I'm just picturing you putting on my leather pants.

Bye!

Please don't.

Don't what?

Get involved.

Just stay out of Viv's marriage.

But Viv's husband is awful.

We've never even met the guy!

Remember when you both were pulling out of the driveway?

You waved at him, and he didn't wave back.

He never waves at me, but I'm not a waver.

You're a waver, Greg.

Look, Alan may not be great, but getting involved

in other people's marriages is never a good idea.

Wrong. It's always a good idea.

See how I disregarded what you said?

Viv should do that.

I don't just give advice. I practice what I preach.

Screw her.

I'm gonna get these pants on.

Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh!

Aren't you two forgetting something?

Happy birthday?

I don't know. I took a shot.

Here's a little thing I call "closing the kitchen cabinets."

Sorry, Dad.

We'll do it next time.

Did you see that?

Ring, ring! Hello?

Parenting magazine?

Why, yes, I'd love to write an advice column.

You closed the cabinets for them.

If you want them to listen, you got to swear at them.

And if you want to slap them around a little bit,

I think that's a... wink... bad... wink, wink... idea.

Hola, Ottos!

Thanks so much for stashing those clothes for me.

Viv, I was thinking about it,

- I'll get your bags. - and...

Why don't you just go outside?

Katie, you stay here,

and we'll all stay involved in our own lives.

Viv, come sit down.

You shouldn't have to hide your new clothes

from your husband at your neighbor's house.

Why not? This way, everyone's happy.

You're not happy.

- I'm not? - No.

You need to tell your husband to stop being so controlling.

I'm just not great at that sort of a thing.

Well, then, let's practice. Let's do a little role-play.

- Oh. - Okay, you be Alan, and I'll be you.

Okay.

This is gonna be so much fun!

You ready?

That is so how I talk! How are you so good at impressions?

Well, it's very easy, because you only have two voices...

higher and higher!

You're just as fun and cheerful as I am!

Hey, Viv, what do you think of my new outfit?

I love it!

Hey, Viv, what do you like most about yourself...

your hair or your smile?

I've really put you in an impossible position.

Okay, stop it. You're supposed to be Alan.

This is clearly not working.

Ugh. You're you again.

How about this time, you be you and I'll be Alan?

Okay.

- Vivian. - Ooh!

The flannel shirt and that deep voice...

You're like a lumberjack.

Why did you purchase a sweater with no sleeves?

Because my arms look amazing.

- And it cost...? - $2,000.

$2,000?!

Do you know how many people I could take to Buca di Beppo with $2,000?

Wait. Are you saying that as Alan or as you?

'Cause he's never been to Buca di Beppo.

Both. But that's not the point.

The point is, you do not need to be nervous

around your own husband.

$2,000!

I'm getting off track.

Don't hide things from Alan because you think he'll get mad.

Get mad at him for making you hide things!

You're absolutely right. Alan is not the boss of me.

- Mnh-mnh. - And I'm gonna tell him that

the second he gets back from the city!

- Aw, man. -

FYI... I did not fit into those pants.

I thought they might be stretchy, but they were not.

Here you go.

Ugh!

What's Daddy doing?

Passive-aggressively reminding me

that he went to childbirth classes

while I stayed home

and watched the finale of "Joe Millionaire."

That's it. Taylor, Oliver, I am taking away your allowance.

Eh, it's only 10 bucks a week.

Plus, you always forget to give it to us anyway,

so, yeah... eh.

Way to discipline, Greg.

What are you gonna take away next... the chores, homework?

- - Viv: Knock, knock, Ottos!

Saying "Knock, knock" when you're in the house defeats the purpose.

It's like saying "Heads up" after you've thrown something.

Oh!

Heads up!

So fun!

Hey, Katie, I wanted to tell you something.

I confronted Alan.

I followed your advice and told him everything!

Good for you.

After I'm done with this mom thing,

I'm gonna be a marriage counselor.

He didn't like it, so I left him.

- You what? - Right?

So I'm gonna need to stay here for a while.

Greg, bring in my bags.

You love me.

Ooh! Greg, you're sweating all over my stuff.

Sorry... I'll try to curb my body's natural response to lifting things.

Love it.

You just had to get involved.

Don't get mad at me! It's not my fault!

Katie, thank you so much

for telling me to leave my husband.

I never said "leave."

You never said "don't leave."

Okay. Guys, no kombucha.

Is this where you keep the food for your workmen?

- I can't see you glaring at me. -

Just out of curiosity,

is there anyone else you could stay with?

Let's see... I'm an only child.

My mother is dead, my father is dead.

My best friend was in a parasailing accident.

I pulled the plug.

Now I'm in a legal battle with her family.

So, what I'm hearing is that there's an empty bed somewhere.

How about a hotel?