Two and a Half Men

Previously on Two and a Half Men:Larry, where can I

put this poop?This is my sister Gretchen. She just moved here.

Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman.

Larry and Lyndsey are in Palm Springs for the weekend.

You want to... come inside?

That's what she said!That's what she said!

No, I really like Gretchen.

I can't do this.

Jeff Strongman can't.

But Alan Harper can.

Works for me.

Oh, ho, ho, boy.

What?

Just got an interesting e-mail.

If it says, "Local horny housewives looking for action,"

it's a lie.

It should say, "Local police entrapping confused citizens."

It's an Evite from Kate.

She's opening a boutique in LA.

Who's Kate?

Eh, it's a long story.

It's not that long.

Kate was the great love of Walden's life

who he met by pretending he was poor.

But by the time he told her the truth,

she'd become a successful clothing designer

and moved to China.

At first they e-mailed frequently but...

you know, it tapered off over time.

Now he just uses Google Earth to try to look

in her bedroom window, but the image hasn't refreshed

in months, so he just stares for hours at this picture

of this Hong Kong cab driver named Bai Ling, it's...

I never told you any of that.

Well, it's kind of my job to know

the ins and outs of your life.

No, it's not.

Look, if you don't want me know this stuff,

come up with a harder password than

"QD-backslash-seven-two-dollar symbol-big-C-little-K."

Look, she-she says, "I hope to see ya."

That's good, right?

Is it "ya," Y-A,

or "you," Y-O-U?

"Ya." Y-A.

Ehh. Mm.

Why ehh? She hopes I can make it.

I say "ya" when I want to blow somebody off.

See ya.

Call ya.

I have "chlamydi-ya."

She's right.

Get out of here, "ya freak."

Never done this before, have "ya"?

I'm your cousin, what's wrong with...

"ya"?

It doesn't matter whether it's you or ya.

The important thing is she wants me to go.

On the other hand,

it could be a mass e-mail.

I'd hate to show up and have her talking to some guy

named Jacques or Filippo.

Okay, those names are awesome.

Hi, it's-a me, Filippo.

I live with my mother but it's-a not weird 'cause I'm Italian.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Just go and see.

And Filippo...

your fly's open.

Scusi.

Hey.

Is that your stuff?

Is it... h-happening?

Are you moving out?

You're cute. I'm not leaving

till I'min a box.

No, I, uh, I dug out all our old board games

for my couples night with Larry.

You know, Monopoly, Parcheesi, Clue.

Wow, first you have sex with this guy's girlfriend,

now you're having sex with his sister?

I'm going with Larry, in the living room, with the lead pipe.

Larry actually wants us to spend more time together

now that I'm dating Gretchen.

How's Lyndsey taking you moving on?

Pretty well. Uh, last night she said, "I still want you."

"You." "You."

I heard him, I heard him.

West Side Story.

Ah, ding, ding, ding, ding.

We have a winner.

How the hell did you get that?

Oh, you know, fin, shark, Sharks and Jets,

and I know how my Jeffy loves his musicals.

My favorite musical is My Fair Lady'cause

it reminds me of my Gretchie.Aw.

I think I'm gonna wretchie.

You guys are tough.

Well, it's like I can read her mind.I think it.

And I say it. Well...

Larry and I are the same way.

Watch. It's a movie.

A duck. A beak. A duck.

Flying ducks. Uh...

Duck's ahoy. Donald Duck.

Daffy Duck. Duck and cover.

Duck, duck, goose. Duck Dynasty. Mighty Ducks.

Mighty Ducks 2.

Mighty Ducks 3.

It's not a duck.

Aflac.

Ben Affleck.

Good Will Hunting.

Hunting ducks.

Ducky, from Pretty in Pink.

It's The Wizard of Oz.

There's no duck in The Wizard of Oz.

What the duck is wrong with you?

I need a drink.

Uh, anyone else want a refill? Gretchen?

Why don't you just read her mind?

Oh, okay, um...

Sex on the beach.

And not the drink.

Looks like my fairlady is more like my naughtylady.

Can you guess what I'm thinking, Lyndsey?

Ducks.

Whoa, that is spooky.

Lyndsey!

Hey, Alan.

Let's see if you can read my mind.

I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with duck.

Oh, oh, I'm-I'm not sure that's a good idea.

I just came in for a little dessert.

Okay, uh, well, there's, uh, there's pie, there's cake,

there's : gluten-free cookies.

Hey, Jeff?

Lyndsey?

Hey, hey, how did I get here?

Am I sleepwalking?

Lyndsey?!

Thi-This isn't what it looks like.

It looks like you're cheating.

O-Okay, I-I can explain, thi-thi... uh...

I'm not stupid. I know what's going on.

You're never gonna fit in that wedding dress

if you keep cheating on your diet.

Yes, the-the-the diet.

He's not stupid.

You're right, honey. I am weak.

I-I... This is all my fault, Larry.

As best man, it's my job to make sure that

nothing goes into her mouth that shouldn't be there.

Exactly. You can't let her blow it.

Oh, my God. I'm so nervous.

Do I look nervous?

I don't want to be nervous...

Dry mouth, it's...

Is that weird? I don't want to be weird. Am I weird?

There she is.

Hi, handsome.

Hey, bring it in.

Oh, wow!

I-I forgot how beautiful you are.

That's a lie.

I think about it every day.

You look beautiful, too.

Thank you. I'm using a new seaweed scrub.

It makes me smell like dead fish, but I get a glow.

This is Barry and Jenny.

Uh, they're my...

new Alans.Oh. Hi, it's nice to meet you.

You, too.

You look different than your satellite photos.

Whoa, Barry.Can you hang on one second?

I just have to say good-bye to this magazine editor.Uh, yeah, sure.

Okay, I'll be right back.Okay.

Oh, uh, uh, if you can't find me,

just follow the smell of dead fish.

Oh, my God, if I die tonight, that's gonna be

the last thing she remembers me saying.

Would you just relax?

She's obviously into you. I mean,

she looks at you the way that...

he looks at me.

Like... she wants to eat me?

Exactly.

Barry, when I said, "bite me,"

it didn't mean what you think it means.

Just-Just ask her out.

What... And then what? Then she goes back to China,

and I get left heartbroken again?

Think about it this way:

You can either spend the next two days hanging out with her

or the next two days hanging out with us.

Kate...?

Come on, Barry.

Let's get drunk and grope models.

That's nice.

Oh...!