Saturday Night Live

>> WELL, IT'S THE LAST SHOW BEFORE CHRISTMAS, GIRLS. >> HOW ARE YOU GUYS GONNA SPEND

BEFORE CHRISTMAS, GIRLS. >> HOW ARE YOU GUYS GONNA SPEND THE HOLIDAYS?

>> HOW ARE YOU GUYS GONNA SPEND THE HOLIDAYS? >> MY HOLIDAY IS GONNA BE SUPER

THE HOLIDAYS? >> MY HOLIDAY IS GONNA BE SUPER SPECIAL THIS YEAR.

>> MY HOLIDAY IS GONNA BE SUPER SPECIAL THIS YEAR. >> Both: DO TELL.

SPECIAL THIS YEAR. >> Both: DO TELL. >> I'M SPENDING IT WITH MY NEW

>> Both: DO TELL. >> I'M SPENDING IT WITH MY NEW GUY.

>> I'M SPENDING IT WITH MY NEW GUY. >> SO AM I.

GUY. >> SO AM I. >> ME TOO.

>> SO AM I. >> ME TOO. >> WHAT'S HE LIKE?

>> ME TOO. >> WHAT'S HE LIKE? >> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.

>> WHAT'S HE LIKE? >> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. [ PIANO PLAYING '60s-STYLE

>> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. [ PIANO PLAYING '60s-STYLE POP MUSIC ]

¶ I'VE GOT A NEW MAN THIS HOLIDAY ¶ ¶ SOMEONE WHO WON'T LET ME

HOLIDAY ¶ ¶ SOMEONE WHO WON'T LET ME DOWN ¶

¶ SOMEONE WHO WON'T LET ME DOWN ¶ >> ¶ A GUY WHOSE EYES ALWAYS

DOWN ¶ >> ¶ A GUY WHOSE EYES ALWAYS SPARKLE ¶

>> ¶ A GUY WHOSE EYES ALWAYS SPARKLE ¶ ¶ A MAN WHO CAN SHOW YOU THE

SPARKLE ¶ ¶ A MAN WHO CAN SHOW YOU THE TOWN ¶

¶ A MAN WHO CAN SHOW YOU THE TOWN ¶ >> ¶ MY BOYFRIEND KNOWS WHEN I'M

TOWN ¶ >> ¶ MY BOYFRIEND KNOWS WHEN I'M SLEEPING ¶

>> ¶ MY BOYFRIEND KNOWS WHEN I'M SLEEPING ¶ ¶ HE ALWAYS TREATS ME RIGHT

SLEEPING ¶ ¶ HE ALWAYS TREATS ME RIGHT >> All: ¶ HE KNOWS IF I'VE

¶ HE ALWAYS TREATS ME RIGHT >> All: ¶ HE KNOWS IF I'VE BEEN BAD OR GOOD ¶

>> All: ¶ HE KNOWS IF I'VE BEEN BAD OR GOOD ¶ ¶ BUT WHEN I'M NAUGHTY, HE

BEEN BAD OR GOOD ¶ ¶ BUT WHEN I'M NAUGHTY, HE THINKS IT'S NICE ¶

¶ BUT WHEN I'M NAUGHTY, HE THINKS IT'S NICE ¶ ¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND

THINKS IT'S NICE ¶ ¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ¶ OH, YES, SANTA'S THE ONE

¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ¶ OH, YES, SANTA'S THE ONE THAT I LOVE ¶

¶ OH, YES, SANTA'S THE ONE THAT I LOVE ¶ >> ¶ I BELIEVE HE IS REAL

THAT I LOVE ¶ >> ¶ I BELIEVE HE IS REAL ¶ BECAUSE I CAN STILL FEEL

>> ¶ I BELIEVE HE IS REAL ¶ BECAUSE I CAN STILL FEEL ¶ THE TOUCH OF HIS FURRY, WHITE

¶ BECAUSE I CAN STILL FEEL ¶ THE TOUCH OF HIS FURRY, WHITE GLOVE ¶

¶ THE TOUCH OF HIS FURRY, WHITE GLOVE ¶ >> All: ¶ AHH

GLOVE ¶ >> All: ¶ AHH ¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND

>> All: ¶ AHH ¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ¶ OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE

¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ¶ OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE LIKE THIS ¶

¶ OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE LIKE THIS ¶ >> ¶ WHEN HE COMES DOWN MY

LIKE THIS ¶ >> ¶ WHEN HE COMES DOWN MY CHIMNEY ¶

>> ¶ WHEN HE COMES DOWN MY CHIMNEY ¶ >> ¶ I GET WEAK IN THE KNEES

CHIMNEY ¶ >> ¶ I GET WEAK IN THE KNEES >> ¶ BECAUSE IT'S HIS KISS

>> ¶ I GET WEAK IN THE KNEES >> ¶ BECAUSE IT'S HIS KISS THAT'S FIRST ON MY LIST ¶

>> ¶ BECAUSE IT'S HIS KISS THAT'S FIRST ON MY LIST ¶ I LIKE IT WHEN WE JUMP IN HIS

THAT'S FIRST ON MY LIST ¶ I LIKE IT WHEN WE JUMP IN HIS SLEIGH AND HE TAKES ME TO THE

I LIKE IT WHEN WE JUMP IN HIS SLEIGH AND HE TAKES ME TO THE NORTH POLE.

SLEIGH AND HE TAKES ME TO THE NORTH POLE. >> Both: AIN'T HE THE GREATEST?!

NORTH POLE. >> Both: AIN'T HE THE GREATEST?! >> HE TOLD ME HE LOVES THE TASTE

>> Both: AIN'T HE THE GREATEST?! >> HE TOLD ME HE LOVES THE TASTE OF MY MILK AND COOKIES.

>> HE TOLD ME HE LOVES THE TASTE OF MY MILK AND COOKIES. >> Both: HE TOLD ME THE SAME

OF MY MILK AND COOKIES. >> Both: HE TOLD ME THE SAME THING!

>> Both: HE TOLD ME THE SAME THING! >> WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IS

THING! >> WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IS PUTTING UP THEIR STOCKINGS, HE'S

>> WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IS PUTTING UP THEIR STOCKINGS, HE'S TAKING MINE DOWN.

PUTTING UP THEIR STOCKINGS, HE'S TAKING MINE DOWN.

TAKING MINE DOWN. >> All: YOU GET THE PICTURE.

>> All: YOU GET THE PICTURE. ¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND

>> All: YOU GET THE PICTURE. ¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ¶ HE KEEPS ME WARM IN THE COLD

¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ¶ HE KEEPS ME WARM IN THE COLD WINTER SNOW ¶

¶ HE KEEPS ME WARM IN THE COLD WINTER SNOW ¶ >> ¶ HE'S JOLLY AND KIND

WINTER SNOW ¶ >> ¶ HE'S JOLLY AND KIND >> ¶ AND I DON'T EVEN MIND

>> ¶ HE'S JOLLY AND KIND >> ¶ AND I DON'T EVEN MIND ¶ WHEN HE SEES ME AND SHOUTS

>> ¶ AND I DON'T EVEN MIND ¶ WHEN HE SEES ME AND SHOUTS >> All: ¶ "HO HO HO"

¶ WHEN HE SEES ME AND SHOUTS >> All: ¶ "HO HO HO" ¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND

>> All: ¶ "HO HO HO" ¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ¶ AND WE'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL

¶ SANTA'S MY BOYFRIEND ¶ AND WE'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE ¶

¶ AND WE'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE ¶ ¶ I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE TIME

LIFE ¶ ¶ I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE TIME WHEN HE'LL TRULY BE MINE ¶

¶ I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE TIME WHEN HE'LL TRULY BE MINE ¶ ¶ AND LEAVE HIS BITCH OF

WHEN HE'LL TRULY BE MINE ¶ ¶ AND LEAVE HIS BITCH OF A WIFE ¶

¶ AND LEAVE HIS BITCH OF A WIFE ¶ >> HE'S GONNA LEAVE HER, RIGHT?

A WIFE ¶ >> HE'S GONNA LEAVE HER, RIGHT? >> WELL, OF COURSE HE'S GONNA

>> HE'S GONNA LEAVE HER, RIGHT? >> WELL, OF COURSE HE'S GONNA LEAVE HER.

>> WELL, OF COURSE HE'S GONNA LEAVE HER. HE PROMISED.

LEAVE HER. HE PROMISED. >> THEY ALWAYS PROMISE, AND IT

HE PROMISED. >> THEY ALWAYS PROMISE, AND IT USUALLY WORKS OUT, RIGHT?

>> THEY ALWAYS PROMISE, AND IT USUALLY WORKS OUT, RIGHT?

USUALLY WORKS OUT, RIGHT? >> All:

>> All: ¶ OH, LI-I-I-I-I-VE

>> All: ¶ OH, LI-I-I-I-I-VE ¶ OH, LI-I-I-I-VE FROM

¶ OH, LI-I-I-I-I-VE ¶ OH, LI-I-I-I-VE FROM NEW YO-O-O-O-O-RK ¶

¶ OH, LI-I-I-I-VE FROM NEW YO-O-O-O-O-RK ¶ ¶ IT'S "SATURDAY NI-I-I-I-GHT"

NEW YO-O-O-O-O-RK ¶ ¶ IT'S "SATURDAY NI-I-I-I-GHT"

>> Announcer: IT'S A "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.

>> SO, WHAT'S THIS MEETING ABOUT?

>> SO, WHAT'S THIS MEETING ABOUT? >> I DON'T KNOW.

ABOUT? >> I DON'T KNOW. IT BETTER BE ABOUT OUR TOOLS.

>> I DON'T KNOW. IT BETTER BE ABOUT OUR TOOLS. MY HAMMER IS FALLING APART IN

IT BETTER BE ABOUT OUR TOOLS. MY HAMMER IS FALLING APART IN MY HANDS.

MY HAMMER IS FALLING APART IN MY HANDS. >> ELVES CAN'T BUILD WITH TOOLS

MY HANDS. >> ELVES CAN'T BUILD WITH TOOLS LIKE THIS.

>> ELVES CAN'T BUILD WITH TOOLS LIKE THIS. >> I'LL NEVER BE DONE WITH MY

LIKE THIS. >> I'LL NEVER BE DONE WITH MY TOYS BY CHRISTMAS!

>> I'LL NEVER BE DONE WITH MY TOYS BY CHRISTMAS! >> AW.

TOYS BY CHRISTMAS! >> AW. >> EVERYONE, SETTLE DOWN.

>> AW. >> EVERYONE, SETTLE DOWN. THIS IS WINTER'S BREATH.

>> EVERYONE, SETTLE DOWN. THIS IS WINTER'S BREATH. HE'S AN ELF FROM THE HOME

THIS IS WINTER'S BREATH. HE'S AN ELF FROM THE HOME OFFICE.

HE'S AN ELF FROM THE HOME OFFICE. >> CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION

OFFICE. >> CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT, BECAUSE YOU'RE

>> CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT, BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WHAT?

FOR A MOMENT, BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WHAT? YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE HAMMER,

TALKING ABOUT WHAT? YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE HAMMER, BITCHING ABOUT THE QUALITY OF

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE HAMMER, BITCHING ABOUT THE QUALITY OF YOUR WOOD, SOME PIXIE YOU'RE

BITCHING ABOUT THE QUALITY OF YOUR WOOD, SOME PIXIE YOU'RE TRYING TO SCREW?

YOUR WOOD, SOME PIXIE YOU'RE TRYING TO SCREW? LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING

TRYING TO SCREW? LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT. PUT THAT COCOA DOWN!

IMPORTANT. PUT THAT COCOA DOWN! >> WHAT?

PUT THAT COCOA DOWN! >> WHAT? >> COCOA IS FOR COBBLERS ONLY.

>> WHAT? >> COCOA IS FOR COBBLERS ONLY. YOU THINK I'M SCREWING AROUND?

>> COCOA IS FOR COBBLERS ONLY. YOU THINK I'M SCREWING AROUND? I AM NOT SCREWING AROUND.

YOU THINK I'M SCREWING AROUND? I AM NOT SCREWING AROUND. I AM HERE FROM KRIS KRINGLE.

I AM NOT SCREWING AROUND. I AM HERE FROM KRIS KRINGLE. I'M HERE FROM THE NORTH POLE,

I AM HERE FROM KRIS KRINGLE. I'M HERE FROM THE NORTH POLE, AND I AM ON A MISSION OF MERCY.

I'M HERE FROM THE NORTH POLE, AND I AM ON A MISSION OF MERCY. YOUR NAME IS HONEYDEW?

AND I AM ON A MISSION OF MERCY. YOUR NAME IS HONEYDEW? >> YEAH.

YOUR NAME IS HONEYDEW? >> YEAH. >> AND YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ELF,

>> YEAH. >> AND YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ELF, YOU SON OF A BITCH?

>> AND YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ELF, YOU SON OF A BITCH? >> HEY, I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN

YOU SON OF A BITCH? >> HEY, I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS!

>> HEY, I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS! >> YOU CERTAINLY DON'T, PAL,

TO THIS! >> YOU CERTAINLY DON'T, PAL, BECAUSE THE GOOD NEWS IS, YOU'RE

>> YOU CERTAINLY DON'T, PAL, BECAUSE THE GOOD NEWS IS, YOU'RE FIRED.

BECAUSE THE GOOD NEWS IS, YOU'RE FIRED. THE BAD NEWS IS, ALL OF YOU HAVE

FIRED. THE BAD NEWS IS, ALL OF YOU HAVE GOT ONE WEEK TO REGAIN YOUR

THE BAD NEWS IS, ALL OF YOU HAVE GOT ONE WEEK TO REGAIN YOUR JOBS, STARTING WITH TONIGHT'S

GOT ONE WEEK TO REGAIN YOUR JOBS, STARTING WITH TONIGHT'S BUILD.

JOBS, STARTING WITH TONIGHT'S BUILD. >>

BUILD. >> >> OH, HAVE I GOT YOUR ATTENTION

>> >> OH, HAVE I GOT YOUR ATTENTION NOW?

>> OH, HAVE I GOT YOUR ATTENTION NOW? GOOD, 'CAUSE WE'RE ADDING A

NOW? GOOD, 'CAUSE WE'RE ADDING A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THIS MONTH'S

GOOD, 'CAUSE WE'RE ADDING A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THIS MONTH'S TOY CONTEST.

LITTLE SOMETHING TO THIS MONTH'S TOY CONTEST. AS YOU KNOW, FIRST PRIZE IS A

TOY CONTEST. AS YOU KNOW, FIRST PRIZE IS A SHINY, NEW TOBOGGAN.

AS YOU KNOW, FIRST PRIZE IS A SHINY, NEW TOBOGGAN. ANYBODY WANT TO SEE SECOND

SHINY, NEW TOBOGGAN. ANYBODY WANT TO SEE SECOND PRIZE?

ANYBODY WANT TO SEE SECOND PRIZE? SECOND PRIZE IS A BOX OF CANDY

PRIZE? SECOND PRIZE IS A BOX OF CANDY CANES.

SECOND PRIZE IS A BOX OF CANDY CANES. THIRD PRIZE IS, YOU'RE FIRED.

CANES. THIRD PRIZE IS, YOU'RE FIRED. EVERYBODY GET THE PICTURE?

THIRD PRIZE IS, YOU'RE FIRED. EVERYBODY GET THE PICTURE? YOU LAUGHING NOW, HUH?

EVERYBODY GET THE PICTURE? YOU LAUGHING NOW, HUH? YOU'VE GOT TOOLS.

YOU LAUGHING NOW, HUH? YOU'VE GOT TOOLS. SANTA PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THOSE

YOU'VE GOT TOOLS. SANTA PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THOSE TOOLS.

SANTA PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THOSE TOOLS. YOU CAN'T BUILD WITH THE TOOLS

TOOLS. YOU CAN'T BUILD WITH THE TOOLS YOU HAVE, YOU CAN'T BUILD

YOU CAN'T BUILD WITH THE TOOLS YOU HAVE, YOU CAN'T BUILD GARBAGE?

YOU HAVE, YOU CAN'T BUILD GARBAGE? YOUAREGARBAGE!

GARBAGE? YOUAREGARBAGE! HIT THE BRICKS, PAL, AND BEAT

YOUAREGARBAGE! HIT THE BRICKS, PAL, AND BEAT IT, BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING OUT.

HIT THE BRICKS, PAL, AND BEAT IT, BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING OUT. >> H-H-HEY, OUR TOOLS ARE WEAK.

IT, BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING OUT. >> H-H-HEY, OUR TOOLS ARE WEAK. >> YOUR TOOLS ARE WEAK?

>> H-H-HEY, OUR TOOLS ARE WEAK. >> YOUR TOOLS ARE WEAK? THE F'ING TOOLS ARE WEAK?

>> YOUR TOOLS ARE WEAK? THE F'ING TOOLS ARE WEAK? YOU'REWEAK.

THE F'ING TOOLS ARE WEAK? YOU'REWEAK. I'VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR

YOU'REWEAK. I'VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR 615 YEARS.

I'VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR 615 YEARS. >> HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

615 YEARS. >> HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME? >> SCREW YOU.THAT'SMY NAME.

>> HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME? >> SCREW YOU.THAT'SMY NAME. AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY,

>> SCREW YOU.THAT'SMY NAME. AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY, MISTER?

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY, MISTER? BECAUSE YOU RODE A HEDGEHOG TO

MISTER? BECAUSE YOU RODE A HEDGEHOG TO WORK, AND I GOT HERE ON A

BECAUSE YOU RODE A HEDGEHOG TO WORK, AND I GOT HERE ON A TALKING MOOSE.

WORK, AND I GOT HERE ON A TALKING MOOSE. THAT'S MY NAME.

REMEMBER, BOYS AND GIRLS, "A,"

ALWAYS, "B," BE, "C," CLOSING.

ALWAYS BE COBBLING.

ALWAYS BE COBBLING.

>> THAT'S INCREDIBLE. >> WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, PAL? >> WELL, YOU'RE SUCH A HERO.

>> WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, PAL? >> WELL, YOU'RE SUCH A HERO. YOU'RE SO RICH.

>> WELL, YOU'RE SUCH A HERO. YOU'RE SO RICH. WHY ARE YOU COMING DOWN HERE AND

YOU'RE SO RICH. WHY ARE YOU COMING DOWN HERE AND WASTING YOUR TIME WITH A BUNCH

WHY ARE YOU COMING DOWN HERE AND WASTING YOUR TIME WITH A BUNCH OF BUMS?

WASTING YOUR TIME WITH A BUNCH OF BUMS? >> YOU SEE THIS GUMDROP?

OF BUMS? >> YOU SEE THIS GUMDROP? YOU SEE THIS GUMDROP?

>> YOU SEE THIS GUMDROP? YOU SEE THIS GUMDROP? THIS GUMDROP COST MORE THAN THE

YOU SEE THIS GUMDROP? THIS GUMDROP COST MORE THAN THE MUSHROOM YOU CALL A HOUSE.

THIS GUMDROP COST MORE THAN THE MUSHROOM YOU CALL A HOUSE. YOU SEE, PAL, THAT'S WHOIAM,

MUSHROOM YOU CALL A HOUSE. YOU SEE, PAL, THAT'S WHOIAM, AND YOU'RE NOTHING.

YOU SEE, PAL, THAT'S WHOIAM, AND YOU'RE NOTHING. NICE GUY? I DON'T CARE.

AND YOU'RE NOTHING. NICE GUY? I DON'T CARE. GOOD FATHER? ELF YOU.