Your Family or Mine

I don't need your help, Kelli.

I can carry this big box by myself.

No problemo.

I did not say "problemo."

I did not say "problemo."

I'm sorry.

I do think it's really sweet you did all this

to welcome your parents back from their anniversary trip.

Mm. I am totally gonna win their anniversary this year.

I'm finally gonna beat Jason at present-giving.

And you know how?

You got your parents an amazing gift.

I got them an amazing gift. And you know how else?

You didn't tell Jason what you're getting them.

I didn't tell Jason what I'm getting...

okay, you already know.

When they see that I built them a porch swing

exactly like the one they had when they were first married,

- you know what they're gonna do? - They're probably gonna lose it.

Oh, they're probably gonna lose...

you don't have to answer me every time.

You can just let me do my thing.

Hmm.

Man: Okay, everybody look at me.

S01E09 Presents

Oli, that thing is huge.

You sure you can assemble it in time?

Yeah, yeah. It shouldn't be too hard.

I'll have it put together before mom and dad get home,

plus flowers, plus champagne equals victory is mine!

You want help doing the swing?

No, baby, I'm good.

But, hey, can you do me a favor

and grab that awesome wedding portrait

that my mom keeps on her vanity?

I think it'd be great to have it, like, on display

- when they get back. - You got it.

- Hello? - Hello, hello, Oliver.

Hello, hello, mom. How was the trip?

Are you on your way home?

It was wonderful.

It felt so good to go to a country that's clearly troubled,

spend some money, and help bring those people

up to the standards of the rest of the world.

Mom, you were in Canada.

And, hey, you shouldn't be on your phone while you're driving.

It's dangerous.

Oh I am not driving. Your father is.

What, dad is driving?

Oh, my God, that's so much worse!

He's fine. He's a great driver.

Raccoon!

I'm just calling to confirm

that you are coming over to dinner tonight.

Look at that. There's another one, huh?

Is dad still talking about raccoons?

Are you sure you shouldn't drive?

Please drive.

Don't be ridiculous, dear.

All is well.

Road.?

Oh.

The picture wasn't on the vanity,

so I started looking around,

and look what I found

all the way in the back of your mom's closet.

Oh, her old junk box?

Try every gift I've ever given her.

Uh-oh.

I can't believe she took all my presents

and turned them into some kind of gift graveyard.

Honey, or maybe it's just like a...

like a treasure chest

where she keeps things that she loves so much

that she just... she just did...

like, she can't... I don't know.

I can't make that work.

There is great stuff in here.

Okay, maybe this wasn't the best idea.

"It's wine o'clock somewhere"?

Honey, my mom is very literal,

and technically, wine o'clock is not a real time anywhere.

I can't wait to see how she tries to get out of this.

Okay, listen.

You have every right to be upset,

but can you maybe not say anything about it today?

Because today is the day that I finally beat Jason.

No.

Today's the day I finally beat your mom.

She always makes me feel bad.

Today, I'm gonna make her feel bad.

No way she can defend this one.

Mnh-mnh. Honey, you're right.

She can't. But she will.

She always wins in the end.

She's like the Liam neeson of moms.

The rest of us are just vaguely ethnic terrorists with bad aim.

Hey. A gift card?

Who doesn't want a gift card?

She sees them as coupons, and coupons are tacky.

It's just money.

I know, baby.

But listen, I really do need that photo of them,

so would you please?

Fine, but only because I love you.

And because I want to see

if she has a box of Clairs fts, too.

Hi, Oliver. Have you seen...

Oh, Claire, no!

You guys aren't supposed to be here for another few hours!

It's not "you ys." It's just me.

Oh.

Jason's not with you?

Well, that's good.

Then I'm still winning.

Hey, watch your step here because, uh,

I'm working on a little project for...

for nothing.

I thought I would find Jason here.

"Find" him? What do you mean, "find" him?

Oh, I don't know.

He was out late with his doctor friends,

and then he texted me this morning

saying that he got called into the hospital,

but the hospital said he hadn't been there.

Hey, he probably got them

a really great anniversary present.

Do you happen to know what that is?

I think it was a clock or something.

A clock!

That's hilarious! He's so dead.

Oh, my God, that's what I think, too!

Oh.

I didn't mean that he's actually...

You're amazing at that.

I'm pretty good at putting things together.

I assemble all the kids' stuff for christmases and birthdays.

And Jason doesn't help?

No, he helps.

He watches and he says,

"could you hurry it up with that, Claire?" A lot.

That's why I'm so fast.

Yeah.

I should thank him for that if I ever see him alive again.

Jason?

Are you okay?

Oh, Jesus.

You know how sometimes guys in their 20s go out partying

and wind up with a drunken tattoo

they instantly regret in the morning?

Yeah.

Well, I went out last night partying

with some of my doctor friends,

and we ended up with some drunken

vasectomies.

You got a drunken vasectomy?!

That's a thing?!

Drunken vasectomies?!

How are you even allowed to do that?

We're doctors.

We can do whatever the hell we want.

Oh.

Dude!

Ow!

Ow.

God, I'm such an idiot.

You know, I told Claire that I was done having kids.

And, you know, now I'm not so sure.

Like, maybe I want to try for a girl someday.

So Claire doesn't know?

No, and you can't tell her, either, okay?

God, she's gonna be so pissed.

Jason, I'm so sorry.

I'm with you, though.

I'm ha a prettyig problem, too.

I found a box in the back of your mom's closet

that has every gift I've ever given her.

What?

That doesn't even compare to my thing.

I have tubes inside my ballsack cut up by a drunk doctor.

And I bought some pretty nice gifts

that were thrown in a box like garbage.

So, you know, samesies.

Oliver, I have a question for you.

Okay, shoot.

What would you say if Kelli told you

she had something that you didn't want?

Like what?

Uh, like a tiny, little you.

You mean Iike an Oliver action figure?

Why wouldn't I want that?

I'm pregnant.

- What? - Yeah.

Claire, are you serious?

- Yeah! - That's amazing!

Yeah. It is!

But it's also terrible

because Jason says he doesn't want any more kids,

and now he's gonna have another one.

And he jokes about divorcing me