I Love You Forever

-Oh, uh, wait, wait. -What?

I just wasn't totally ready for my underwear

to come off yet, but that's fine.

Do you have a condom?

Uh, do we have to?

Well, have you had sex with anyone else

in the last few weeks?

Weeks? Uh, yeah, obviously.

Well then, yeah, we... We have to.

I can't stay hard with a condom on.

Don't you want me to fuck you?

I mean, not without a condom.

Okay.

Okay.

-(YAWNS) -How'd you sleep?

-Um, don't interrupt. -What?

Um, I need to complete this yawn,

and every time you make a sound, I have to start over.

So just, uh, you know, don't move or talk, okay?

Okay.

-It's... It's contagious. -It's just interrupting.

Sorry.

I hear you doing it.

I'm not doing it.

Okay, I don't care.

Um. Yeah, what are you, uh, what are you up to today?

You working?

No, um, I actually,

I got a lot of studying done this week,

so yeah, I'm free.

What are you doing?

Might get breakfast with the guys.

Cool.

Love the guys. Okay, I'm gonna go.

Aw, I wasn't kicking you out.

And you could have stayed for like 15 more minutes?

Hi.

Did you just leave?

No, five minutes away.

You're so full of shit.

You've never been five minutes away in your whole life.

Do you hear me?

If you were five minutes away, you'd be up here.

This is five minutes away. You're giving 17, okay?

You're giving me Blair Witch fucking Cloverfield energy.

I have to go. It is dangerous for a woman to walk

-while being on the phone. -It is not.

It is safer with me, with my voice, on the phone.

You hear me? Stay away from her!

Fuck!

Oh, I forgot to get her something.

What did you get her? Can we... Can we split it?

What? No. I got her a cupcake.

Good idea.

I mean, that's a lot of friends that you have.

Happy birthday.

I um, I... I got you an ice cream cake.

An ice cream cake?

Lucas, Lucas, she got me an ice cream cake.

That is so n... You know me so well.

I was really hoping I could shit my pants tonight,

and now, with your help, I think I can finally do it.

So thank you.

You don't have to eat it. It can just be like for vibes.

No, I... I get it.

It's like, what do you even get your lactose intolerant friend

who's also struggled with an eating disorder her entire life?

Sorry.

Like, who am I? Marie Antoinette?

Pretty sure Marie Antoinette wasn't a total bitch.

Has Evan still not responded?

Have you ever seen something more humiliating

in your entire life?

No, seriously, be honest.

Well, actually, yesterday I double-checked my dating apps

to make sure they weren't paused

because I haven't had a match in three months.

So, yeah.

Well, he actually was in my dream, though.

Like, I know that's something people say as an excuse

to text someone, but he actually was in it.

So if anything, it would be weird like not to tell him.

Better to regret than to wonder.

Well, no, 'cause the problem is

now I can't invite him to my party,

and he's not not the reason

I decided to throw one in the first place.

Jake once went nine months without ever texting me at all

and now I get a meme, like once a week.

Yeah, you and your sociopathic fuck buddy

aren't really like goals.

Well, I just... I kind of think that's the closest thing you can get

to a real relationship now.

No one is supposed to know

this many opportunities exist for them.

He's supposed to know three women and then choose me.

So your ideal dating scenario is like

Little House on the Prairie.

Yeah, or like the distant future

where everyone else is dead.

You know, in the apocalyptic future,

they won't have Matcha. Probably.

Will you survive without Matcha?

No, Ally, you do not have to do this.

No, no, no, no, no. Do not move it to your mouth.

No, no, no. Give that to me. Kill me instead.

-I'll take the fucking bullet for you. Oh, no.

I got it. I got the gun.

Everyone back the fuck up. Okay?

The gun is now a cat.

Do we even want to go to this anymore?

Your birthday party? There's nothing there for me.

It'll be fun.

And if not, I'm sure you'll get a great story out of it.

Conversational or Instagram?

Conversational.

I bet if we go through your phone,

we can find you someone else to hook up with tonight.

Or we could do an activity

that would have you guys pass the Bechdel test.

You know, the guy Cooper actually liked my photo yesterday

after not engaging with my profile for like a year.

Perfect.

I gotta make a toast. I always do.

To Ally.

Just another year older.

Always beautiful.

To the infinite wisdom you bestow upon us.

Whether it's the benefits of ingesting hyaluronic acid

or the merits of applying it topically.

Ally!

My friend is at the door. Can you help her get in?

They shouldn't have a problem. Just tell them to say my name.

The bouncer said they're at capacity.

At capacity.

-Bet you didn't see that coming. -I did.

So smart telling me to invite every guy in my DMs.

-Did I say that? You know her.

She's really...

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Excuse me. -Sorry.

-I'm s... I'm sorry. -No, no. I'm so sorry. I...

You were just standing there. I'm sorry I opened the door.

Opening a door doesn't require an apology either, so.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry. You probably want to use the restroom.

Oh, I do. Yeah.

-Yeah. Of course. -Yeah.

-Sorry. -(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

-Are you bored? -No. Why?

Well, you're on your phone at a party.

Right. Well, I didn't want to seem creepy,

you know, standing here just staring at people.

So I'm on my phone for the benefit of others, really.

Did you think I looked creepy

standing alone, not looking at my phone?

No. I thought you looked cool and mysterious.

Only I look creepy.

Well, for the record, I... I felt really weird.

Hence me forcing you to talk to me.

Well, I'm glad we can make each other feel less socially inept.

Yeah. It's good. It's a good thing.

Uh, I'm Finn, by the way.

-Mackenzie. (CHUCKLES) Lovely to meet you.

How do you know Ally? I... I don't.

My friend Alex texted the person in his contacts

who does the most cocaine, and that's where he was going,

-and... -Oh, okay.

Yeah. -Oh, wow.

Look at this beautiful baby right here.

This is Harrison.

This is Alex. These idiots are my friends.

Hi.

These fellows are, for the lack of a better word,

-on the prowl. -Sorry about that.

-Yeah. -They don't...

-My girlfriend died, but I'm over it. -Oh.

Should we get some drinks?

Mmm-hmm. Yes. -Yes?

-Thank you. Sorry.

-I swear to God, I'm here for moral support. -Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I don't usually go out unless I absolutely have to.

Why would you?

I mean, the... The cons so outweigh the pros.

The only pro is that you could actually meet somebody.

Yeah, and of course the worst-case scenario is you could die.

Mackenzie. -That...

Sorry. Uh, I'm gonna...

Who the...is that?

I have been stuck outside the entire night