How to Be a Gentleman - First Season

Previously on "How to be a Gentleman" ...

Your "How To Be A Gentleman" column is just too tame.

I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

Oh, that's 'cause it is!

Excuse me, Andrew Carlson? Yeah.

Dead arm!

Bert Lansing from high school!

This is my gym. Bert's Body Shop.

: No one cares about being a gentleman anymore.

You know everything about being a gentleman,

but nothing about being a man.

Your ex-fiancee dumped you, ripped your heart out

and left you doubting your manhood on a level so primal,

you can't even see it.

Yeah, sure, fine.

You didn't just hire me to get your body in shape;

you hired me to get your whole life in shape.

That means I got to be with you 24-7.

You can't be with me 24-7.

That would mean you'd have to move in.

Bingo.

Hey, look, farm-fresh kiwis.

That's the name of my a capella singing group back in New Zealand.

Andrew?

Lauren!

I thought that was you.

Hey.

Hey... Hey!

Hi. Oh! Sorry.

That was a bit awkward? Sort of a hybrid kiss/hug.

Hi, Mike. Nice to see you.

Hi. I'm not very good in awkward situations.

I tend to blurt.

Last time I saw you, you were engaged to Andrew,

and then you... and then you weren't.

So what's, uh, new?

Um, are you still dating Tom?

Uh, well, Andrew, Tom and I got engaged.

Ooh...

I shouldn't have made that sound.

Wow.

That's, uh...

That's... I'm hap... hap...

Congratulations.

I... sorry. I was going to send you a wedding invitation,

but I didn't know if that would be awkward.

No, not awkward at all.

Please, send me an invitation.

It was great seeing you.

This all happened three months ago?

Why did it take you so long to write about it?

It's an emotionally charged issue. So, what do you think?

If I could give you one tiny adjustment for this story:

Instead of giving Lauren a smile,

you have sex with her on a fruit cart.

Jerry, I write a manners column.

You know where the new management is coming from.

You see your column as

"an honest portrayal of the human condition."

They see it as just

"words that keep the sex-pill ads from hitting each other."

But we want an Internet presence.

Guys search the Internet for things like hot chicks,

beer, ass, nachos and... golf.

Make it about those things, and get it to me by Monday.

Oh, I can't. I'm going camping with Bert this weekend.

Well, Andrew, I can't tell you how to do your job.

Wait a minute, I can. I'm your boss.

You get a new ending, or I am gonna have to bump

your column for this hard-hitting exposé.

"How to Drink Beer and Eat Nachos off a Hot Chick's Ass.

Golf."

Yeah, Monday.

Hey. What's up?

Hey.

I'll take two boxes of thin mints.

This is my camping outfit.

I got all the supplies.

I got a tent, a portable stove, and something that's either

a hat or a bathroom. Hopefully not both.

We're not going camping.

What?! But I slept in my sleeping bag last night,

just for practice.

That was just a smoke-screen so you'd keep the date open.

We're going to your ex-fiancee's wedding.

What?! No, I RSVP'd "no" to Lauren's wedding.

And then you left it on the counter.

And I opened it up and RSVP'd back "Yes plus one."

I also got a kosher meal.

Why would you possibly do that?

I don't know, I've never had kosher food; I'm curious.

No! Why would you open up my mail and change my response?

Because you need to face your biggest fear.

My biggest fear is that my roommate-slash-trainer

is going through my mail... and spiders with human eyes.

No, I think your biggest fear is seeing Lauren with another man.

You haven't accepted that she's moved on,

and that's keeping you from moving on.

That's why you avoid her.

You don't know that.

You've only lived here like a month.

I'm like a ninja looking over you.

Watching your every move.

I stare at you when you sleep.

That's worse than spiders with human eyes.

You hired me to turn your life around.

In order to do that, I need to get inside you.

Do you hear yourself when you speak?

Look, so what if I avoid my ex-fiancee?

That is a normal thing to do, Bert.

It's been over a year. Look at the route you take

to get to work just to avoid the possibility of seeing her.

You can get there in five minutes if you take a right.

But you always take a left

so you avoid driving by her apartment.

You need closure.

You need to accept that she's moved on.

And the best way to do that is to see her get married.

I have totally accepted that she's moved on.

Have you? Yes.

Have you? Yes!

Have you?

No.

Hey, why are you at Mom's?

I'm here for dinner, dumbass. What are you doing here?

I just wanted to get a little tan

off the ray of sunshine that is you.

I also wanted to tell everyone

that I decided to go to Lauren's wedding.

I thought Bert was taking you camping this weekend.

That was a smoke-screen to get me to keep the date open.

By the way, do you know anyone who could use a $60 toilet hat?

Mike will take it.

Don't you think it's going to be hard

for you to watch Lauren getting married?

I mean, if it were me, I'd leave town.

What do you think, Janet?

Will Lauren mind that she's not going home

with the most handsome man at her wedding?

Ooh, busted!

You guys are going to the wedding?!

I knew Lauren before you did. I introduced you.

I thought you were going camping.

It was a smoke-screen.

Oh, clever.

Look, if you don't want us to go, we won't go.

But you should know, they're having a mashed potato bar.

Fine. You can go.

I suppose there are weirder things

than your sister attending your ex-fiancee's wedding.

Okay, now this one is more appropriate

for a daytime wedding,

but this one fits me better.

You're going to the wedding, too?

No. What wedding?

He's going, too, Mom.

I thought you were going camping.

It was a smoke-screen. We're all fooled.

Why are you going to Lauren's wedding?

Lauren and I got to be close over the many, many years

you dated; she's like the daughter I never had.

She says in front of the daughter she did have.

Honey, honey, you know what I mean.

Her own mother is a horrible snob.

And-and Lauren called and she personally asked me to be there.

But if you don't want me to go, it's not a big deal.

Does he know about the mashed potato bar?

Quick pre-game before we go in?

Bert, it's 11:00 in the morning.

No one wants to... I will.

Here you go. I'll take a nip.

I can't believe she's getting married.

We were together five years.

Not that I didn't have opportunities to stray.

I don't know if I ever told you guys this story,

but Lauren's cousin Tabitha...

Not the Tabitha story.

I can't hear this again.

Oh, God. Please, no.

It's a good story!

Lauren's cousin Tabitha hit on me at Lauren's birthday party.

So that's the story?

Not exactly Goodfellas.

No, it's a great story because it shows

how committed I was to Lauren.

Ah, we were great together. You ever meet someone

and you just feel like, "I can fall into this woman and I will

never see the light of day again..."? Okay, okay, that's enough.

That's enough. That's enough.

Look, uh, this is going to be a two-step closure process.

Step one: You're gonna see Lauren get married.

Step two: You are gonna hook up with the second hottest girl here.

Who's hooking up with the hottest...? Oh, right, you.

Actually, if you want to hook up

with the hottest girl, you should be with your sister.

That sounded better in my head.

All right, step one complete. You watched her get married.

Yes. I had my eyes closed.

Whatever. On to step two: hooking you up.

I saw some cute girls back there so I switched us to their table.