Two and a Half Men

That's a cool snake tattoo on your back.

Thanks.

It's Anacoth, the demon who eats human souls.

My friend Jeffrey has a dog that eats his own poop.

He tries to lick our face, but we don't let him.

Okay.

Who's that one?

That's the Goddess of the Damned--

she whose name cannot be spoken.

Why, is it hard to pronounce?

What?

We have a friend at school like that.

He's from India.

We just call him Rusty.

No kidding.

Does it hurt to get tattoos?

Yeah, but it's worth it, you know?

Sure.

Once I bit my tongue really hard eating a frozen Milky Way,

but it was totally worth it.

Good morning.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

Hi, I'm Alan, Jake's dad.

Isabella.

She's a friend of Uncle Charlie's.

I would hope so.

Yeah, and she was showing me her tattoos.

Oh, lucky you.

There was a time when you had to pay a quarter

and go into a tent to see that.

Now, it's right at your breakfast table.

Uh, go get dressed.

I want to see the rest of her tattoos.

Go.

I have a quarter.

Jake.

All right.

Um...

Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy,

but we try to keep the house smoke-free.

I'm sorry.

Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.

Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always

on the same page as his penis.

Morning, baby.

Hey.

If you don't like it, don't watch.

I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower.

You want to join me?

Sure. Just let me get some fluids in me,

so I got something to work with.

Hurry.

Anacoth is hungry.

"Anacoth is hungry"?

She's referring to her snake tattoo.

Oh.

Her vagina's called Linda.

Pretty name.

Uh, listen, I don't want to overstep my bounds.

This is your house and you're free to bring into it

whoever or... whatever you choose.

But I-I do think that I have the right to protect Jake

from being exposed to certain people.

Then you better take him to a hotel for a couple days,

'cause that girl ain't leaving till one of us is dead.

Come on, Charlie.

No, no, no, you come on.

You see a little body ink and a cigarette

and you immediately condemn her, but let me tell you something.

She's smart, she's got a great sense of humor, and in bed,

she moves like one of those paint shakers

at Sherwin Williams.

Nevertheless... I would rather she didn't hang around Jake.

Fine. I'll talk to her.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, unless you want to lather up my fanny,

I'm gonna go hop in the shower with Anacoth and Linda.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men. *

* Men.

Isabella, I, uh... I didn't hear you come in.

You weren't meant to.

So...

You think I'm a bad influence on your kid?

Uh, well, gee, I-I wouldn't put it that way.

But, you know, kids are, uh, impressionable

and the violent, psychosexual imagery of your...

body art... um, not-not to mention the smoking

aren't necessarily something a young boy needs to...

Why are you taking my hair?

Just a little quirk of mine.

Uh-huh.

I used to collect stamps.

You know, people like you have been persecuting

people like me for thousands of years.

Hmm.

Well, that's a bit hard to believe, seeing as

people like me have historically been victims and food.

But, uh, just for clarity,

who exactly are the people like you?

Those whose eyes are open to a greater reality

than you could ever imagine.

I see.

And do they all collect hair?

Don't mock what you don't understand.

I'm sorry.

I tend to resort to mocking when I'm... totally creeped out.

I don't like you.

Yeah, well... I'm rubber, you're glue...

something, something, something you.

So be it.

So be it.

So be it.

Ow!

Ah, damn it.

Ow!

What the hell?

( Isabella chuckling maliciously )

* Men.

I don't think so, Mom.

First of all, I'm just not a big fan of costume parties.

Well... yeah, Jake likes "The Wizard of Oz,"

but I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out

with a bunch of drunken real estate agents

dressed like Judy Garland.

Okay, I'll get him.

Mom wants to ask you something.

Hi, Mom. No.

What happened to your face?

Nothing, I just thought I'd put

little blood-soaked pieces of toilet paper on it.

What do you think?

It suits you.

Hmm.

What's the deal with your eye?

I don't know. I think I'm getting a sty.

Huh.

Might be a bit much with the toilet paper.

I'd go with one or the other.

Thank you for your input.

No problem.

Where are you going?

Isabella's taking me to a party.

She said it's going to be out of control.

Can you imagine what this girl considers to be out of control?

Well, let's see.

Uh, biting the head off a live chicken?

Vivisecting homeless people and playing hacky-sack

with their still-beating hearts?

What the hell are you talking about?

Do you have any idea what Isabella's really into?

So she's a little kinky.

No, no, no, kinky is a feather duster up your butt.

I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.

Oh, please.

Who of us hasn't done that?

To know you is to curse you.

She took my hair.

She took your hair?

Yeah.

Yeah, and then she laughed like

Oh, well, that's different.

So you see my concern?

Yes, I do.

Good night.

Where are you going?

To pick up a bottle of wine and a feather duster.

You sure my Mercedes is okay parked on the street?

I mean, I gave that crack whore $10 to watch it,

but now I'm thinking, who's watching the crack whore?

Don't worry about your car.

Okay.

So where are all the guys?

How come I'm the only weenie in this pot of beans?

Because this party is in your honor.

Really? What'd I do?

You're a vessel of the masculine life force.

You picked up on that?

I tell people that all the time and they just get snotty.

These women are all my sisters.

They all want to please you.

Well, gosh, that's swell.

Then you're okay with this?

It was my idea.

Let me tell you something, Isabella,

you are just tops in my book.

Hey, this is very tasty.

What'd you say this was?

Secret elixir.

Secret elixir, huh?

Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy,

but, push comes to shove,

I don't know what the hell's in that, either.

Oh, boy.